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OK - some of you folks already know I have a Golden Retriever.

What you don't know is it's probably the only Golden Retriever in the world that doesn't actually "RETRIEVE" anything!

So, ol' Ace, retired you know, with all this time on his hands, decides he's gonna teach his old dog a new trick - retrieving.

But after months and months of trying, all I can get the damn dog to do is come to me when I PICK UP the paper, then, open its mouth and grab the paper from my hand and take it into the house.

Well, it's better than nothing right?

So, we've been doing this for a few weeks now. The dog actually looks forward to going out into the front yard and waiting for me to hand her the morning paper so that she can carry it into the house and hand it back to me.

Now - some further background - my dog does her business - pooping, peeing, throwing up, etc. - in our backyard. Before I take her anywhere, I always send her in the backyard first, so, you know, I don't have to manicure my neighbor's yard. Right?

OK - so today we go out the front door, after she's supposedly done her business in the backyard, to pick up the morning paper.

I pick up the paper, I call for the dog. Hmmmm - she's busy peeing on my front yard. Well, that's ok, it's only pee. I call her again, slap the paper against my thigh, and she comes running and snaps the paper out of my hands.

But then, INSTEAD OF HEADING FOR THE FRONT DOOR, she goes back onto the front lawn, doing her little "circling,circling, circling, gee, I gotta take a dump, dance".

Then to my horror, and despite my screaming "STOP, NO, WAIT, STOP, NO!!!!!!!," she drops the paper, takes 4 more steps forward, then proceeds to drop a massive, steaming load of dog doo on, not my lawn, BUT MY MORNING NEWSPAPER!!!!!!!!!!!

Geezuz - I know she did that on purpose!