Diary of a Corporate Slave
Don't make me go postal ...
A blog about Personal Journals.
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Budget Cuts
Today I received an email regarding recent budget cuts, I also learned that they were possibly going to be remodeling our cubicles. Well, at least I'd have a door.
EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Man
8 comments from 7 users
1
posted by
dweaver3
on Aug 21, 2008 at 10:36 AM
This is hilarious! posted by
twinkie
on Aug 21, 2008 at 12:38 PM
I love it! hahahaha posted by
zero
on Aug 21, 2008 at 06:39 PM
read it out loud at work....and we lold
ha! posted by
zero
on Aug 21, 2008 at 06:41 PM
and the pictures.....DAMN! nice posted by
gbriano
on Aug 21, 2008 at 07:05 PM
That prank took some serious dedication. We shrink-wrapped every item in my boss's office. Like, took everything apart wrapped it then put it back together. But we didn't create a computer system and desk. man. posted by
CubicleDweller
on Aug 22, 2008 at 12:12 PM
Gbriano, that youtube prank was great! Amazing, hahah! Now, shrink-wrapping everything is dedication that I must give you kudos for! posted by
AnnieLWhite
on Aug 22, 2008 at 02:40 PM
my co worker sent it to me. hahahaha so funny posted by
likhy2
on Aug 22, 2008 at 05:38 PM
HILARIOUS!!!
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