They say they forget I'm here sometimes ... that's fine by me, I like my cubicle, it's at the end of all the "excitement".

So today The Man's Secretary, Snide, struck up a conversation with The Man.  Mind you they were around the corner from me and I was busy looking up Express Pants on eBay ... Errm building a database ... yeah ... I was busy building a database.  Snide starts bagging on the Gerbil, to The Man!

Apparently the Gerbil, after getting her paycheck - which had a raise on it and pro-rated pay, didn't understand why they took so much out in taxes.  She asked Snide if it was right, because they never took that much out before.  So Snide tried to explain to her that it was because she grossed more this month, it's a percentage that is taken out, the same as our retirement, they took more out for that too because the check was larger than normal.

Now Snide and another Corporate Slave were chuckling about it with The Man.  The other Corporate Slave remarked "Oh we all know how she has those blonde moments" and Snide replied "Yeah, you should have seen her face!"

I was kind of laughing to myself too as Snide presented the same question I was thinking ...

"Doesn't she have a B.A.?"

To which The Man replied "Hahah, I think it's more of a BS"

To which they all just laughed and laughed and laughed.

I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around ... At least I'm nice enough to just share my gossip anonymously with the world via internet.

Every so often the Gerbil will send off a sentence or so en español, then end it with "Ah, ah, ah, ahhh" much like the count from Sesame Street. 

Personality Disorder?  Identity Issues?  Or is she joining me in the ranks of crazy Cubicle Dwellers ...

I was in the kitchen, getting ready to make myself a cup of coffee and used the last of my creamer and open the new bottle I'd brought.  I label the tops C.D. as I am the only person in our department to have those initials. 

As I'm washing out my cup she is rummaging through the mini fridge trying to fit her fat ass cup inside and pulling stuff out.  She pulls out my old bottle, which has just about enough creamer for the cup of coffee I'm about to pour.  She goes to the gal who sits close to the kitchen, shaking the bottle saying "C.D. who is this, it's empty, I'm going to throw it away" 

I reply "That's mine.  My initials are C.D. - Cubicle Dweller.  There is enough for the cup of coffee I'm about to pour"

She then looks at me and shakes it with this look that says "No there isn't" when you can totally hear liquid sloshing around. 

So I snatch it from her and say softly to myself "It doesn't take a genius to figure out who C.D. is"

She overhears and says idiotically "Well, it could have been Candy Federick"

So I snap "That's C.F. this obviously says C.D. as in Cubicle Dweller" 

She just kind of waddled off.

So I went to my drug therapist last night.  I realized that he is a rather attractive man, bald head, gorgeous eyes, stylish frames, and an accent.  ME-OW!

Okay anyway.  I told him about the gerbil incident at work, and how they are always eating chips and salsa or whatever.  He asked "Where do you work?!"  I shrugged and said "In an office - " ... he immediately made the association ... "Aww yes, I know what you are talking about, they do this" (he gestures with both hands going back and forth from his mouth as if he is putting food into it) "and then they do this" (he gestures with both hands that he's getting wider) "and it's crunch crunch chomp all day long".  Okay, so you don't have to be crazy to be annoyed by this, or maybe he is crazy ... they say it's the shrinks that need the shrinking.

I told him how they took my headphones away.  He said "Well, loosing your job would be no good because of your bi-polar ... I think you need a mood stabilizer, you are doing worse"

Thanks for being so blunt.

"We won't do Zyprexa, that made you fat"

Yes sir it did ... and I'm still trying to loose that excess weight, thank you very much.

"Let's try Geodon, do you want to try Geodon?  It will give you a longer fuse"

(The gerbil, just made a mimic crunch noise, then said "Crunch crunch crunch" ... I think the guy on the other side of her might actually be bugging her with his obsessive chip eating this morning.  So far it hasn't bugged me, that much ... but he is further away and a cubicle wall blocks us)

Sure why not, give me more drugs.  Yippee.  Now I get to take 3 different pills, but 4 a day.  

"It will not make you zombie, more like, yeaaah ... okay" (as he sat back and made a stoner looking face) "you'll feel more relaxed.  That will be good, okay?"

"Sure, that sounds good"

Then he sent me out and said "We get you happy, yes?"  I smile and nod. He says "It was nice seeing you again"  Okay then.

So I'm eating instant oatmeal because he said it absorbs better with food or milk.  He said it might take a few days to fully work, and I might feel sleepy for a few days.  I should figure out if I should take it in the morning or at night, but to start in the morning.

I love the little crazy car symbol on the bottle ... the "use caution while operating a car of dangerous machinery" symbol.  It makes me think of the curves ahead road signs.

It will be interesting having a longer fuse if this works.  He wants me back in 4 weeks to see if it is working, apparently some people it does not work for.  If it does work, I can tolerate more of the dumb-asses in the world.

So I'm sitting here, minding my own business.  Normal office noises surround me, it's all good.  Until she decides to start eating seeds like a gerbil.

Now on any other given day I'd of just stuck my headphone on and ignored it.  No big deal ... but we all know how that was deemed a no no by the head leader.

So I took deep breath after deep breath.  Then I couldn't take it anymore.

"It sounds like a gerbil is at your desk"

"A gerbil? What?"

"Haven't you ever heard a gerbil eat?"

"No"

There was a pause in the seed eating ... then one more, but a bit quieter, then another.  Then she stopped.  My co-workers are going to think I'm a real bitch.  But you know what?  Don't take my earphones away.

I remember once in highschool a guy behind me was biting his nails in math class.  I finally had enough and said "Doesn't your mother feed you breakfast?!"  To which he gave me a dumbfounded look.  So I continued "Need some salt with your nails?"  The jerk actually said "Ooh, look who stepped off their broom stick" and I replied "Actually, I rode my vacuum today.  I broke my broomstick over some other idiot's head"

Tonight I have an appointment with my therapist.  I'm going to let him know about the newest development.  Maybe he'll finally give me xanax so I can just pop that when I start freaking out.  He gave me Klonipin for anxiety, but I can only take that at night, it knocks me out ... and lately has made me sleep so soundly I keep sleeping through my alarm, not good.  Or maybe he can write a note to my boss.

I still think I need the xanax.  I haven't been able to go to the movie theater lately without having a panic attack - unless I sit in the very top row.  I have this horrible feeling that someone is just going to pull out a gun or knife and shoot or stab me from behind in the dark.  Yes, I'm paranoid.  No, I have no idea why I think this - I was like this years ago and always had to get to the theater early so I could sit in back, then it went away for a while.  I used to be afraid of needles in the seats.  My boyfriend said that I must be afraid of death.  No ... I'm just afraid of having someone take my life.  Death doesn't scare me as long as I'm in control of it ... passing away naturally or suicide doesn't even make me blink an eye (not that I'd consider that second option).  

Yeah ... okay ... right ...

Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.  It's 12:39 am and I'm still not in bed, even though I'm freakin tired.  Blame it on the internet.  Hello, my name isCubicle Dweller, I have an addiction.

Anyway, onto the Courtesy Flush ...

Today my co-worker and I were going to walk to Bite Me on our break for iced tea.  About 10 minutes before break time I emailed her that I was going to the 2nd floor to take care of some business (if you've read any of my blogs and actually paid attention, you know exactly what I mean).  Afterward, I rode back up to the 5th floor to get her.  On our way out she needed to use the little girls room and we headed into the 5th floor bathroom.

The person in the stall next to her kept flushing her toilet.  At first I thought she was done and it was just the water pressure acting up ... that she was flushing to get everything down.

Nope, the smell gave away the fact that she was doing "courtesy flushes" to cover up the fact that she was taking a huge smelly shit.  Geez man, if you can't take it to the 2nd floor at least grab the can of air fresh that's in the basket next to the sink. Don't sit there and freaking draw attention to your smelly ass by repeatedly flushing the toilet. 

I was almost a bit scared that I might be wrong and maybe her shit was just backed up and at any moment would come flooding out and onto the floor.  Ick.  After a double check that her pants, skirt, whatever was still at her ankles I knew it was just the courtesy flush routine and breathed a smelly sigh of relief as my friend washed her hands.

"I've been eating yogurt with fiber in it because I'm not regular.  I only poop like every 3 days" ...

Okay, so its morning, I'm bored, and the titillating subject of bodily functions was enthralling.

She continues that they come out easily, but just not that often.  So it was my turn to reassure her that that is perfectly normal in some people and as long as she's not popping a vein getting it out, she's fine.  I told her to look at it this way ... her body is more fuel efficient, it burns more off so she has less waste.  Then I offered to bring her "Everybody Poops" to read.

She told me she felt much better now.  She said that whenever she is cranky or bitchy her family says that it's because she doesn't poop enough.

Oi.

"I have baby weeds growing all over my backyard!  I looked out and thought AWW they're cute.  I thought weeds were yellow, but they're green!"

On gardening...

"I didn't know I was supposed to wear gloves.  Now I have calluses on my hands."

After a discussion of how her mother pulled up her barely sprouting bulbs because she thought they were weeds.

Mind you, I have my iPod drowning most of The Gerbil's drivel out ... but the callus comment came along between songs.  Oi.

Now The Gerbil's showing paint chips to the colorblind boss asking his opinion ...

First off, today The Gerbil came in at 9:30 ... forgetting that she was scheduled to come in at 10:30.  That's not too bad.  We all have our moments.

"Cubicle Dweller, did you hear about my blonde moment for today?"

"No"

"Well, I had a guy on the phone and was getting directions to Shafter.  I'm really bad with directions and you have to be really specific, like give me land marks and everything.  He said to make a right on General Shafter Road, that I can't miss it, there is a big microwave tower there.  So I asked him if it looked like a big microwave, cause I don't know what a microwave tower it"

Okay, alot of people don't know what microwave towers are ... but I sure as hell wouldn't ask if it looked like a big microwave. 

The heifer in the hole next to me won't stop eating hard candy.  I swear it's been a barrage of smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, crunch, crunch, wrapper rustling, smack, smack, smack, smack, crunch, crunch for the last 30 minutes or more.

OMFG she is opening another one!

Ugh, I can't stand this anymore.  I'm going for a walk and hopefully once I get back she'll be on lunch, then she'll fill herself up and won't suck on hard candy anymore.

I walked into the bathroom on my floor and immediately upon entering I heard it ... the sound of a juicy squirty turd coming out of someone’s ass.

I entered the next stall, thinking how uncomfortable she must feel since I walked in while she was in the middle of her business.  How she was probably trying to hold in the next one until I made some noise or left.  Sure enough, as I rattled the seat cover holder she squirted out another ... then as I pulled onto the toilet paper roll, another. 

Good god it stunk.  I couldn't pull my pants up fast enough.  I did not need "ode de shit" stench, and I figured the faster I got out of there, the faster that poor soul could finish.  As I washed my hands I was thinking "Yep, that's why I go down to the deserted 2nd floor bathroom and do my business"  Thank you very much.  That bathroom has like 10 stalls, is usually dark, and very private.  The bathroom up here has 3 stalls, it's well lit, and echoes like a mofo.

Normally I sing twinkle twinkle little star in my head as I wash my hands ... but all I could manage was a quick squirt of soap, a hasty rinse, and a grab of paper towels to open the door with.  I kind of shuddered as I went back down the hall to my little slice of corporate hell.  Oh and I couldn't help but take notice of the shoes ... my sick curiosity of maybe later finding out who the culprit was.

Damn the man who put me down.  It's a conspiracy, I swear.