I'm assuming that means boobs.

Chatty and another co-worker have gathered around the Gerbil's desk.  I didn't tune in until I heard "Look they are breast feeding" which she repeated several times along with "Look at his floppy tail" Then "look at their little ba tetas, aren't they cute!"

On a side note ... this weeks calender has all of my male co-workers attending a sexual harassment training.  My mind floated to some TV episode that had the corniest sexual harassment training video.

Speaking of the devil ... The Ancient One just stopped by my desk.  She's retired now, but has a home business of selling personalized products.  She was dropping of some Polo's to another department and stopped by to ask if I'd decided what graphic to put on my order.

She became very pleasant to me after I left her department and didn't feel threatened by my salary.  Hahah!

Fire, brimstone, whatever, this new assignment was the anti-christ.  Disguised as a very cool position as the Director's assistant, paid very well and my very own office.

Once again I can't give details of what I did at this job, it would give away the location ... but I can tell you about the characters I worked with.

My boss was a woman who looked like a man ... an ugly Harpo Marx to be precise.  She was a sarcastic SOB and talked horribly about everyone behind their backs.  She had been without a permanent secretary for a while, just temps that breezed in and out.  The office showed, there were piles of paperwork stacked in the kitchen/file cabinet room that connected our offices.  I was again doing the job of a head secretary, okay, that's fine, handling payroll is pretty easy - but then I had to learn how to do PO's.  They were in the middle of opening up a huge event (3 million dollar thing) and there was a lot of stuff to purchase and square away.  If it hadn't been for the lovely lady in the Purchasing Office walking me through with all my daily phone call questions I don't know what I would have done (I made friends in lots of departments while I was an Office Nomad and to this day that helps me get the upper hand and lee-way Slowpoke needs when he crunches a deadline).  I didn't even bother trying to sort out the paperwork mess - whoever became her permanent would just have to deal with that.

I was told I would be there 3 months, and my boss worked with my school schedule giving me Friday's off.  Even though I walked in there with the promise of just doing light duties to help her out and some fun arts and crafts, then ended up with a load of crap to do, I did what I did, and I did it well.

I also learned to keep my mouth shut.  The bosses would get together in the conference room outside my office and just talk shit about people.  I knew when people were going to be fired, yelled at, promoted, or demoted.  One woman, I'll call her The Snake, was just evil.  She was out to get everybody.

One particular meeting I overheard The Snake and Harpo making plans to fire a woman who was good at her job, who had done nothing wrong, except get in The Snakes way.  They'd been discussing this a while, had demoted the gal, and then basically just fucked with her head - he loves me, he loves me not, type hell.  After this particular meeting I had to take mail to the area the woman worked at and drop it off.  I walked over to the building, stepped in, dropped off the mail, and then the woman began asking me questions.

"Are they going to fire me?"  I knew the answer to that, but I also knew my place, so I replied "I don't know"  She then continued with things like "I've felt like they were for a while, I feel like this is the day, I work hard, why?!"  I again just simply replied "I don't know, I haven't heard anything, you do work very hard"  Then I walked out and back to my office.  I was then called to cover for someone, so I went to that office and took a seat.  A few minutes later I see The Snake with Harpo in tow pass the window.  The Snake banged through the door to the room I was in and asks if I've said anything to anyone.  I was confused - the conversation with the one gal didn't register much with me, so I didn't even think to it, until The Snake accused me of letting her know that she was going to be fired.

Harpo is watching me, waiting for the reaction she thought I'd give - but I was innocent, so I didn't give that reaction.  I was actually dumbfounded and calmly, but firmly said "I know my position.  I am the Director's assistant and what is said in meetings stays in meetings.  It is not my position to spread gossip, nor would I want to.  I walked into that office to drop off mail, she told me that she suspected she was going to be fired and asked if I knew anything.  I told her I didn't"  The Snake opened her mouth to spit some more venom - but Harpo interrupted her and said "I trust you CubicleDweller, that's why I hired you.  Thank you"  Then she towed The Snake out of there.  Still after that, there was a very uncomfortable tension whenever she was in the office.

It was near time for me to be let go, I was ready to go ... I'd had enough.  I figured I'd reopen the unemployment claim, focus on school, take a break.  Then Harpo got the news, there was a hiring freeze - she wasn't going to be able to get a permanent.  She came to tell me that news and then said "So I guess we're stuck with each other" and walked off.  Fan-fucking-tabulous.

Two more months went by when finally she came in and said "Tomorrow is your last day.  They won't let me keep you any longer, I have to wait until I can hire a permanent"

So I packed my box the next day and said goodbye to hell.  I was ready for that break, collect unemployment, focus on school ... 2 weeks of non-working bliss passed and The Lady from HR called with another assignment.  She said it was a part-time position, 4 hours a day for maybe 3 weeks.

And that's how I landed myself here ...

By the way ... rumor made it back to me from inside sources that Harpo had indeed hired another temp, again through a cheaper temp agency.  This temp played solitaire all the time and didn't do any work.  I was told Harpo was miserable, dismissed the girl and then went through temps like dirty underwear until the freeze was over.

Sometimes I run into her at Company Picnics, she still wears her pants high on her waist, still reminds me of an ugly Harpo - but now she smiles a tight smile at me and always asks how I am doing.

Onto the department that liked me so much they managed to get funding to add me in as a temp/permanent - meaning I was being paid with grant money and wasn't hired through the whole human resources route.  Oh but god that boss was a PITA (pain in the ass).  This woman was in her 30's she had been chronically single and was just a bit strange.  She didn't understand what it was like to have children.  For example - my daughter was in preschool, she tripped, fell, hit her head on a trike gashing open her eyebrow.  The preschool called, of course I had to pick her up and take her to the ER.  When I told my boss she gave out one of those "sighs" and was like "well how long do you think this will take?" - I didn't want to loose my job, they paid me well, so I called my daughter's aunt who met me at the ER and took over from there, held my little girl for me while she had baby blue stitches sewn in to match her eyes the day before school pictures. 

Rarely did she give me work to do, I posed as the front receptionist and other people in the department loved me because I could build databases and do all their data entry (one guy wrote me a wonderful recommendation for my file and we still bump into each other occasionally).  Sometimes I'd catch a call right before I was to leave for lunch and I'd have to help someone out, or I'd have to help someone who walked in ... so I'd leave for lunch 10 or 15 minutes late, sometimes 20.  The guy who sat near me and did the tech work would tell me that when I was normally due back from work, my boss would walk out of her office, stand by my desk, look at her watch and tap her foot.  Then I got grief from The Ancient One who had worked there forever, but she never said anything to my face, just complained behind my back.  The tech guy looked out for me when I was gone and would warn me ...  One day I get the speech, that I'm arriving late and taking extra time at lunch.  WHAT?!!!

I was the first person to arrive every morning and since I wasn't a permanent hire I was not issued a keycard to get in.  I'd have to wait until the doors automatically unlocked, then I'd have to race in and key in the alarm code.  Some days the timer would be off and I'd be standing in the cold for 10 minutes or so waiting to hear the "click".  Two days a week the ancient woman would come in at the same time as I did - but she had a keycard.  A few times I had issues with Aidan at preschool and had to deal with them before I left her, never was I more than 5 or 10 minutes late!  One day I was 15 minutes late - one of those days where the kid just doesn't want to put her shoes on.  I called the ancient woman to let her know I was running late, she didn't pick up, I left a voice message.  When I got there she gave me her happy good morning smile, then made it obvious that she was glancing up at the clock and sarcastically remarked "Oh, I thought I was going to be the only one here today". 

She didn't like that I made more than her hourly.  What she didn't factor in was that I was being paid with grant funds, I did not get paid sick leave, vacation time, or overtime.  The reason I was being paid 2 dollar more than a normal permanent secretary on her first step was because the Director of that department wanted me to have the option of having a little extra each month to get private health care if I needed.  So essentially, she made more than me.

Anyway, back to the talk ... the tech warned me that he had heard the Ancient One and my boss talking about me being tardy from lunch one day because it was 20 minutes past when I was supposed to come back - but I had left 20 minutes late.  The tech actually spoke up and told them that I hadn't even left for lunch when he had left 15 minutes after my regular lunch time.  That didn't matter, I still got the "Can't be tardy, need to be here, blah blah blah" speech.

I was pissed - so I decided to be a nuisance.  Every time I arrived for work I'd clock in with a clock thing we used for people using the facilities, then lunch I'd  punch the clock again, then when I got back from lunch (oh and breaks too), then I'd punch when I left - then I'd tape that paper to my bosses computer monitor.  If she was gone on a business trip she'd come back to multiple papers taped all over her monitor.  She never said a word ... but when the fiscal year ended I was informed that they weren't able to keep me, they couldn't get the funding again. Oh "but don't worry, we aren't replacing you".

Yeah right, they hired a temp from outside the office, from a temp company which saves them money because they could pay them at least 2 dollars less than what a company secretary starting would make. 

So I was unemployed - long enough to open an unemployment claim.  I had an "in" with The Lady in HR.  She liked me, so did her nephew, so I was always at the top of the temp list.  I was sent on a new assignment in one of our remote locations to pose as a department secretary for a few weeks until their new permanent was able to start.  This job wasn't too bad either, I enjoyed it very much and was paid more then a regular secretary.  I can't give details about what I did or the fun I had because it would give away the location and I have to at least try to protect my identity.  My boss liked me, I liked him, that's all that mattered.  To this day we bump into each other occasionally and he always genuinely wants to know how I'm doing.

Then the permanent secretary was able to come fill her spot, so once again I was unemployed - for like a few weeks.  Then I was sent to HELL.

I started out in this maze as a temp - I was whored out from department to department, when they were done with me I moved along to another cubicle like a nomad. 

My first job lasted about a month, I assisted people using our lab facilities.  Then I was bumped up to a secretary position in another department.  The fellow I worked for was Mormon, this one woman from the lab (I'll call her The Ancient One) was like "Oh, you have to work with The Mormon" (she used his name, you guys get the drift).  I was scared, what was he going to be like, where were they sending me?! 

I was the first secretary to EVER get along with this man.  He was usually merely tolerated.  I found him humorous, I understood his dry humor and his OCD on checking and double checking things.  He kept me busy, I kept up.  He was devoted to his family, so if mine was sick, or I was even sick - he'd send me home and some days even tell me not to worry about the lost hours, to log them anyway on my time card.  It was stressful working for him, just because he is in charge of some big events - but I liked what I was doing.  Sometimes at events I'd be harassed by security thinking I was a student because I was so young looking (well I was young, but at 21 I still looked 16).  One day I had what turned out to be symptoms of a  transischemic attack in front of him, he was talking to me all I heard was a whoosh, one arm was numb, I couldn't comprehend what he was saying, I couldn't get words out of my mouth, my face went numb, he asked "CubicleDweller, are you okay?"  Somehow I managed to reply "I don't think so" and he told me to go home, and asked if I need him to drive me home.  I'm stubborn, I drove myself - yeah, stupid, I know.  When I got home I just laid on my bed until it passed, then I was exhausted and just slept.  I didn't tell anyone about that episode for a while so I never had my blood tested to know if that was what I had for sure ... but it was all around the same time I had a doctor keeping tabs on me and the symptoms I had that she said "could be probable to MS" - but never would she write it in my file ... she said that she knew one day I'd have a great job with benefits and if she was to label me to early I'd have a hard time finding health coverage without paying out the ass. 

So The Mormon and I worked well together for a few months, then I was offered a position back in the lab as their receptionist, it was a pseudo permanent job, the Director had really liked me so she'd pushed for a grant to pay for a receptionist/ whatever position for the rest of that fiscal year.  He was sad to see me go, but in two weeks his regular secretary was coming back from maternity leave anyway.

To this day his secretary still tells me that he thinks "the sun wouldn't set without me".

Apparently The Gerbil thinks she high and mighty. 

Just now a call came in for her, I picked it up thinking it was another person's phone ringing who was at lunch.  She was talking to The Man so I told the caller that she was busy at the moment and asked if he'd like to leave a voice message.  He asked when she'd be available for a quick second to talk, I replied "Probably in about 10 minutes" and suggested he leave a voice mail because she'd call him back.

He was fine with that, but just as I was about to transfer another secretary walks up and is like "I'm going to transfer a call to you" and The Man began to walk off.  So I try to quickly transfer this guy to her before Snide transfers another call.  I missdial the number - crud!  I try a redial before Snide got back to her desk, but she must have been waddling quickly today.

I transfer back to the caller, and as I do this I realize she is just telling another secretary who had called from a sandwich place what she wanted for lunch.  Okay, so that won't last long.  I tell the guy that another phone call came in just as I was about to transfer, but it wouldn't last long.  He laughed and said that was okay, he'd hold.

As soon as the lunch order was over I transfered the guy ... well The Man hadn't completely walked away, he went back to chitchat something that sounded pretty meaningless at the moment.  So she IGNORED her ringing phone!  I tried to pick it up again, but someone else caught it, and then transfered it back to her ... again she IGNORED her ringing phone! 

Okay, we are taught that we have to be here at certain hours, blah blah blah because the people we serve are important at all times and they come first and to always pick up the freakin phones!

So I piped up "The guy who is calling really wants to talk to you"

She replied "Oh we-ell" as the call stopped ringing and The Man walked away.  I began to blog this and she walks past me, then back by me and smiles and says "The Man doesn't like when you answer phones when he's talking to you, he thinks it's ru-ude" ...

HUH?!  So a conversation about how many beds in a Holiday Inn room is more important than our clients???  Isn't The Man the guy who enforces the "We MUST have phone coverage" rule?  Oh, that's right, The Man is an exception to the rule.

I've had him by my desk before with him yakking about whatever to me, my phone has rang ... and guess what?  I answered the damn thing.  Because that is what I am supposed to do, and if he is the head boss, the freakin MAN then he shouldn't be offended by that because I'm following HIS and the companies policy.

I'm pulling the Bullshit card on this one.  I think he just likes her big boobies.  Maybe she should dip them in birthday cake.

The other day an Asian woman who works near me jumped up from her desk and exclaimed "Oh!  I betta' go to toilet befo' I pee pee in my pants!"

Today Chatty began eating chips around 9 am.  That is way way WAY too early for me to even attempt to tolerate the noise.  I said "Chatty, chew with your mouth closed!  Girl, you are making love to your chips!" (Thank you Twinkie for that line).

Chatty stopped and replied "But they aren't even crunchy I poured stuff on them!"  Not crunchy my butt.  Then she said "Someone woke up on the cranky side of the bed"  I replied "I'm always cranky" she replied "Well, you are crankier today!  You are too young to be menopausing already!"  I retorted "Well, I tried pills for that, but one made me a narcoleptic, the other just didn't work ... if they'd just give me back my iPod!"

I made sure my tone had a bit of laughter in it, but deep inside I was freakin serious that I wanted to rip those chips out of her hands and smoosh the bag on the floor coated with chili juice or not.  Lucky for her, she quieted her eating while I consumed my office sludge.

Didn't take my meds today, forgot, how unfortunate.  Now I want to toss all the people, who have for some reason decided to eat chips for breakfast, out the windows.

I stomped off to the bathroom, coffee is running through me, I also just needed to get away.  I like washing my hands, the warm water running over them relaxes me.  While I'm standing the Skeksi from the other side walks in.  She announces that there's birthday cake on their side. 

Then she states "I got icing on my boob"

I shot a sideways glance in the mirror and replied "Well, that's one way to start a party"

Skeksi then told me how so and so has her birthday 2 months before her, and she gets to tease her for 2 months that she's now older.  Then she told me how she'd told my friend on the other side that that is what happens when you are 54, your boobs hang into the cake ...

"But Cubicle Dweller, you'll never have that problem"

I think she was trying to be nice, but I just looked up into the mirror and thought "Yeah, because I have little boobs".  Then I had a fleeting thought of how little boobs can become long sagging boobs, and flop like bunny ears.

Aww, the comic relief I needed.