Normally I just hear "wa waa wa" much like the Peanuts' adults, coming from the other cubicle dwellers around me.  Today a phrase stood out loud and clear ...

"Well, that would be an easy slip in!"

Huh?!  I don't even want to know.  This cubie must have her mind in the gutter ...

Potlucks ... don't you love them?  People bring food into work, you get to stuff yourself silly ... and if you are anything like I am, you don't even bring a dish.

Today was a celebratory potluck for two cubies that are leaving.  Yay, wa whoo, Ariba for them!  As usual, cards were made for them and passed them around for everyone to put their mark on - except me.  Yes, they skipped me.  Were they afraid I would actually literally put my mark on it, as in take it into the bathroom and do a happy little tinkle on it?  Or smudge it with some fudge?  The thought of that alone makes me laugh, but also wrinkle my nose and say "Gross".

Should I feel offended, or thankful that I didn't have to think up some witty "Take care, break a leg, good luck!" slogan for the card.  I probably would have just scribbled "You lucky dog, how'd you escape this place?" ...

If this was my career I'd have to jump in front of a train.

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Have you heard about the 4 women fired from their county jobs for gossiping?  Hmm ... tsk tsk tsk.

HOOKSETT, N.H. - Can you be fired for gossiping about your boss? Four town employees here say they were, raising questions about fairness, free speech and a staple of life in the American workplace.

Thank goodness everything I say is true - no gossip coming from this cubicle dweller, just cold hard facts.

Welcome, stay for a while!  I picked up the latest issue of Bakotopia this morning on my way to corporate hell and was excited to see that I was Blogger Of The Week ... me, little ol' me ... "You like me, you really like me!"

The rest of the magazine is superb, I love seeing what we've wrote in print, no monitor glare!  But I must admit that I was also given credit for something I didn't do ... I see Kindra79's PETA blog was also featured along with her photos - but the caption below them say "photo by CubicleDweller", I wish!  Unfortunately I only had my crappy cell phone camera with me that fateful day, so I can't take credit for the great photos.

Keep it up Bakotopia!  We love you!

First I must introduce Sweet Caroline, an Office Dweller.  She likes to belt just that part of the lyrics on a regular basis in a slightly tone deaf voice.  "Sweet Caroline BAH BAH BAH  SWEET CaroLINE Bah bah bah"  Thank god she wasn't in the mood to sing today ...

Instead as I enjoyed the last crumbs of my bag of colored fishy crackers I began to hear moaning.  I stopped chewing for a moment to make sure I was actually hearing loud drawn out moans coming from the direction of her office ... yep, I was.

I went back to chewing my crackers, but even the crunch in my ears couldn't muffle the progressively louder moans.  "Uh, uh, UUHHH, OH!  UH, UUUUH"  Mind you, this animalistic primal noise was penetrating a closed solid wood office door.  What was penetrating her?  I don't know, and I wasn't about to get up and find out. 

Yesterday I read that PETA would be protesting in the nude downtown.  Today I told my bosses about the protest and they said, "I didn't get that email, how did you find out?"  I told them that I have my sources.  Mwahahaha!  When the Gerbil asked what PETA was, the Man replied, "People Eating Tasty Animals".  I told him we should make signs and counter protest like the guys did last time. 

So what's a Cubicle Dweller to do?  Walk down and check out the protest of course!  I tried to get Slowpoke to walk down with me on my break, but he was busy.  He told me to check them out for him.  He called my cell at one point and asked if they were pretty.  Unfortunately I didn't have a camera with me, well, except for my camera phone, but that takes crappy photos.  He just had to take my word for it.

When I arrived back to the office The Man and Slowpoke were very curious as to what was going on ... but knew their wives would be angry if they went to look.  Slowpoke even called his wife and asked her, she told him he was crazy.  Then Slowpoke told The Man that he felt like Quizno's.  Suuuure he did.  They convinced the Gerbil to go with them, she protested until they told her Quizno's has broccoli and cheese soup.

About 45 minutes later they returned.  Slowpoke said to me, "You'll never guess what we saw!  There were naked girls protesting the Goodwill!"  The Man showed me a photo he took with his camera phone and said "Yeah, guess what I saw today when I went to Quizno's with Slowpoke and the Gerbil for lunch today?"  The Gerbil said, "Ugh, my stomach hurts, how long until that is supposed to kick in?"

Never a dull moment.

The Gerbil was hunched over moaning in her cubicle, The Man was nearby talking to Slow Poke and asked her what was the matter ...

Gerbil:  My stomach hurts, I think I have an ulcer.  How do you know if you have an ulcer?

CD:  You cough up blood.

The Man:  *Laughs* Why do you think you have an ulcer, do you complain a lot?

Gerbil:  I complain and stress all the time, what other symptoms will tell me if I have an ulcer?

CD:  Just WebMD

The Man laughs again. 

Gerbil:  Oh, oh, it hurts!  I want to go home and curl up in bed in my 500 tc sheets.

CD:  It might be IBS

Gerbil:  No, it can't be.  All I ate was yogurt and juice.

CD:  Yogurt can trigger IBS.

Gerbil:  But I'm not, what is it ... I can drink milk.

CD and The Man:  That doesn't matter.

CD:  Maybe it's gas.  Okay, I'm at WebMD, what are your symptoms?

Gerbil:  Like cramping in my tummy, but behind my belly button, they aren't period cramps.  It's not exactly a cramping it's like a sharp pain.

So I select the following symptoms for the lower abdomen area: Muscle cramps or spasms (painful), pain or discomfort, and pulsating sensation.

Then I begin to read off the conditions associated with the symptoms:

CD:  Muscle strain, aneurysm in the belly, constipation, gas pains, gastroenteritis, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attack, UTI, endometriosis, intestinal ischemia, kidney stones, appendicitis, worms, bladder stones, cervicitis, colon cancer.

Gerbil:  Uh! 

CD:  See, IBS or gas, like I told you. 

Gerbil:  It can't be, it's an ulcer, or a miscarriage.  All I ate was yogurt and juice.

CD:  What kind of juice?

Gerbil:  Orange

CD:  It's gas, orange juice and dairy ... not the best combination.  Orange juice is acidic, it'll give you gas.

Gerbil:  Good, then that means my baby is okay.

CD:  You mean your imaginary baby?

Obviously.  Then she bent over again and moaned.

CD:  Here I've got some gas pills in my purse.

Gerbil:  What will they do to me?!

CD:  Get rid of you gas.  It's just extra strength gas relief.  I take them when I'm gassy.

Gerbil:  Okay, I just want one.  Is it going to make me fart?

Chatty:  Better take it at lunch! 

Gerbil:  I'm going to take it right now and start pointing my finger!

Good times in the land of cubicle dwellers.

Chatty came back from lunch with a toy microphone.  She is saying everything she says into it ... even when she walked to my boss's desk, she carried it to her and is keeping it directly on her mouth so it has a horrible feedback that is killing my ears.  (My ears are sensitive, I pick up all kinds of noises.  Oh, but I bet you have already figured that out).

Maybe she's aspiring to be a talkshow host ... she better not quit her day job.

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First let me introduce my fellow dweller "Bitchbert" ... she's from the Darkside.  I've mentioned her before, the one cubicle dweller I actually enjoy talking to. 

Bitchbert:  Hey, CD … I have found at least one of the bathroom culprits.  I'm not sure what this person consumes, but it should be registered as a biohazard on the other side.....

CD:  I think I know who it is, I walked in right after you left and she was leaving.

Bitchbert:  Was it bad?  I have been noticing for a while and it’s usually the same person...code name ELF

CD:  Yeah, nasty!  I actually started gagging.

Bitchbert:  Then yep, it is confirmed.  ELF is a potential health hazard.  But the whole trying to be stealth thing is just so wrong...  Ummmm, there aren't enough deterrents to coming here that we need that as well? Maybe she doesn't know?

CD:  Well, like they say ... a rat can't smell his own cheese. 

Bitchbert:  OMG, that was SO wrong.  So will this make it on the Blog?

CD:  It has too!  People must be warned of ELF's potentially deadly toxins.

Bitchbert:  Maybe there will be some sort of treatment to those that have already been exposed...  Maybe they could make gas-masks or oxygen available?  Maybe she should go outside...my dogs don't stink that bad.  Give her some air

CD:  That is the question ... how can we air her out without letting on that we know her secret? 

Bitchbert:  Well, since she doesn't seem to know/care, we could start with subtle things and progress as needed.  

CD:  Do they have vending machines that will drop an oxygen mask for a quarter?  We could put that up like they put up tampon machines...

Bitchbert:  Maybe we should invent one.  Like those perfume dispensers...

CD:  Hahah!  Oh we'd be millionaires!

Bitchbert:  At least we would be protected.  That is just so wrong and it seems like she is in there every time I am...hmmm, maybe she is just trying to get rid of me, no paranoia here.

CD:  She must have a little red button that flashes and lets her know, she's always in there when I'm in there too!  For being so tiny she excretes a lot of crap.

Bitchbert:  My sentiments exactly.  Maybe that is her version of the binge and purge.  Maybe she is just stinky...it’s a mystery, kinda like Bigfoot or UFO's

With office sludge running right through me I made my way to the restroom.  As I pushed my way in an office dweller came up behind me, so I did the polite thing and held the door open until she was close enough to take it herself.

Then I had a strange urge to do the same thing to her stall door ... so there I sat, on the toilet, laughing to myself.  I was picturing myself holding a stall door open for someone and saying "Welcome, enjoy your stay".  Just imagine the look that would be given to me.

Ever have those mornings?  I'm sure you do ... the kind where you can't get your hair to behave, have to tame it into a ponytail because it needs to be washed, then as you are racing out the front door with toast in hand you realize that purple bra you chose to wear underneath your low cut gauzy wrap blouse is going to greet everyone you pass with a big "Hello!" (not to mention your cleavage, but never mind that).

That was my morning, but there wasn't anytime to go inside to try to find a black bra (to at least blend in with the shirt).  "To hell with it!  I'll use a paper clip or something!", I exclaimed, and marched to my car, then drove the short commute to the office.

As I walked up to the large glass doors I saw another cubicle dweller coming toward me from the inside.  She opened the door, held it open for me and said, "Welcome, stay for awhile!" ... her tone was perfect, it was not bright and chirpy ... it was the friendly joking voice of someone who knew what entering those doors held.

I actually laughed, which must have burst some euphoria pocket in me ... my ride up to the top floor was joyful - yes, I said joyful.  Even though this CD hasn't had her morning cup of sludge.  I plopped down in my painfully "ergonomic" chair, opened my top drawer and saw a little pin I was once given.  I used it to pin the lining of my shirt to the middle part of my bra, right at the cleavage, then laughed, because the pin reads "COSMOS".

So now I have secured a bit of modesty, only if you are looking down into my shirt will you see the tips of my purple cups ... the plump chi chis?  Well, they'll just have to greet the world today.