Sabotage by the Beastie Boys is blaring from a newer model compact car as it rips into a parking garage and skids to a halt taking up two parking spaces … you still hear the music as your beloved Cubicle Dweller steps from the vehicle wearing her black trench coat, hair pulled up, some softly falling into her face, dark sunglasses shading her eyes, and 3 inch black heels.  She lights up a cigarette, reaches into the car and pulls out a gun.  In front of the office doors she takes one more drag, flicks the cigarette, and storms in swiftly taking each obnoxious co-worker out – with a paintball gun loaded with red pellets.

Hehe, I can close my eyes and imagine them looking up in surprise, some falling backwards as they are hit.  Hahah!  If this was a short film, I think it would be best in black in white, with only the red splats in color.

Really?!  No?!  Are you serious?!  Solved?!  More like unsolved.

This morning the lovable cream filled Twinkie sent me this article.  I'd now like to offer my responses to the article in BOLD letters.

Following are some common cubicle complaints you may have and tips for tackling them:

Complaint: "Things keep disappearing off my desk."  Yep, been there, plain done that.

What not to do: If you see your stapler is missing, quickly swipe someone else's to replace it.  Why the hell not?  That's exactly what they do to me.  It makes complete sense, doesn't it?

What to do: It's hard to monitor your belongings when you're away from your workspace, but you can help crack the problem when you are there. The next time someone reaches over your cubicle wall to "borrow" a sticky note or stapler, politely direct the person to the supply room. If the issue persists or goes beyond company-supplied items, you may want to talk to your manager. In the meantime, reduce the temptation for others to swipe your stuff by placing anything of value, like a favorite book or MP3 player, in a bag or purse that you take home with you each evening.  Favorite book or MP3 player?!  Where does this person work?!  We all know the man already banished my MP3 player, and books?  If we can't listen to music with headphones do you really think they are going to permit us to read material unrelated to work?  I must admit though, I have a copy of Bakotopia on my desk that I thumb through when no one is looking, heheh!

Complaint: "I can't concentrate with the constant buzz around me."  Buzz, buzz, buzz - SWAT!

What not to do: Stand up and shout "Zip it!" at the top of your lungs.

What to do: If you're situated in a high-traffic locale, consider bringing headphones to eliminate the sound. When you really cannot tolerate the noise, retreat to a quieter place -- like an empty conference room. You may also consider speaking to your supervisor about relocating to a quieter area of the building if your productivity continues to suffer.  Again with the headphones?!  Come one I need a better solution than this, it's a great solution and all, I used to do that - then The Man took my headphones away.  Oh and I'm really going to be able to retreat to an empty conference room - hello my WORK is here at my desk along with ALL my databases etc.  Not exactly mobile, thank you very much.  Relocate?  In my dreams.  I'm already at the far edge of our department, can't get any further from the "hustle and bustle" - and their voices carry ... follow you around corners, then into your dreams ...

Complaint: "I respect my co-worker's obsession with Divo ... unfortunately, I'm not a fan." Not a fan of Divo?  The person who wrote this article is not a true Cubicle Dweller - once you hit crazy cubie status you constantly hear Divo and their Whip cracking through your mind cause you just want to Whip it, and Whip it good ...

What not to do: Borrow your sister's Britney Spears CD and blast "You Drive Me Crazy" on repeat. Hopefully, your neighbor will get the message.  Um, yeah ... Did you get the memo?

What to do: If you and your neighbor don't share the same taste in music, even the slightest notes can strike an unpleasant chord. And competing in a sound war will only fuel the fire. The situation may be resolved with a simple request to your co-worker to use headphones. If he or she doesn't capitulate, perhaps you can agree upon certain times -- such as the late afternoon, when things have slowed down -- when the person can play his or her favorite music, at a reasonable volume, of course.  Headphones, headphones, headphones.  It is when things slow down that the music is the most annoying as things are much quieter here and the sound becomes more pronounced.

Complaint: "My workspace has become the office water cooler." Who's hasn't?

What not to do: Join every conversation or feed the office rumor mill by relaying confidential information your co-workers disclose to you. Oh, but I just love chit chatting with my co-workers.

What to do: Make it clear that you're not interested in participating in the conversation. For example, don headphones or let colleagues know you're on deadline for a project and would appreciate it if they would take their conversation elsewhere. Oh my god, is this for real?  "Um, yes, pardon me ... I prefer not to join you in taunting each other. I think I'm going to pick my work up and go to a quieter conference room" ... oh and did you see the mention of headphones again?

Complaint: "My cubiclemate has brought "tuna surprise" for lunch -- again!" I like tuna.

What not to do: Wear strong cologne or perfume to the office -- perhaps your "good scents" will counteract the unfortunate odors emanating from your colleague's workspace. Oh, like Patty Le Pew?  In turn Chatty just burnt her toast and the entire floor stinks.  I ran into the kitchen thinking some idiot had left a nearly empty coffee pot on the burner again.

What to do: While you can't tell others what they can and cannot eat or what fragrances to wear, you can try to promote a more scent-friendly atmosphere by setting a good example yourself. Have consideration for co-workers when you choose your lunchtime meal and try to pick less-odiferous foods. If you must heat up a pungent meal, consider eating it outside. Also, don't wear cologne, perfume or lotion that is especially strong.  Seriously, is that all the advice this column can offer?  I DON'T wear perfume or scented lotion to work.  I DON'T eat loud or "odiferous" foods.  This is a perfect example of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.

Complaint: "Those Baywatch posters and troll dolls have to go!"

What not to do: Deface office decorations with a marker (think moustaches (hehe moustaches, I just pictured Micky Mouse with a skinny little mustache) and eyeglasses).  While I find that completely hilarious, it is completely inappropriate (I say this as I grab my sharpie ...)

What to do: While it's OK -- and even recommended by some employers -- to personalize one's cubicle with artwork and photographs to enliven the workspace, it's not OK to go overboard. If a co-worker displays an item that you find distracting, let the person know -- he or she may take it down after hearing of the distress it's causing you. If images are offensive, approach your manager or a human resources representative with the problem.  Alright, seriously - if this actually bothered me I'd know I was just a whiny little complaining b****.  I do not give a rats a** about what my co-workers have in their cubes, be it naked photos of their kiddies or miniature replicas of 10 week gestation babies.  I don't care enough to look in, it doesn't affect me, we have our own cubes so I don't have to stare at someone's poster of a naked baby playing the sax. 

While bringing co-workers' bad habits to their attention can be awkward, it's often better to speak up rather than let the disturbance persist.  The one time I spoke up I was told that I had woke up on the cranky side of the bed and I am too young to be menopausing.  A friendly and direct request may be all it takes to resolve the issue. Likewise, if someone comes to you with a complaint, be respectful and do your best to accommodate their requests. While some minor annoyances are par for the course when working in a cubicle, if you respect others' time and space, they'll hopefully do the same for you.  Bull.  Currently a cubicle dweller 2 cubes from me is cutting their fingernails.  I bet they are flying all over the place so the janitor can vacuum them up.

Once I went into a gift shop and saw the standard monkey figurine, but with an additional monkey covering his crotch - do no evil.  I should have bought it, I've never seen another one.

Anyway, I was minding my own cubicle dwelling business when I walked into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.  The first thing I hear is "Breast" ... then "They used a flap of skin to make her nipple" Uh-Huh ... "Did they tattoo her nipple?"  WHAT?!  "Around the areola to fill in the color, I can't believe they used a muscle"

Okay, what's next?  I have a feeling you could throw anything at me today and I wouldn't be phased.

Okay, maybe lady looks like a dude - in drag.

I just made a little trip to the bathroom ... as I entered, Sweet Caroline exited.  She's a tall women, but even so I never once even thought of her looking like a man in drag.  Until today ...

She was wearing a frumpy long dress and her horribly bleached hair short hair was in big ringlets, perched on her nose were black Lisa Loeb'ish glasses.  I had to do a slight double take as I walked under her arm.

larger view

I was diligently typing away when out of the corner of my eye I saw someone walking past wearing a hazmat suit.  I continued to type for a moment and think to myself "What the hell?!" before I looked over at the person now standing next to my cube.

It was just the Fat Ghost fully covered in her muslim garb. 

I take this as a sign that either A - I need more sleep; B - I need more pills; or C - I'm just completely loosing it.  Or maybe D - none of the above.

Arsehole client makes my Friday

Letter from arsehole client:

CD

I have just noticed you have moved the conference from the 9-11 to the following week 16-18

That is now a complete disaster for me, obviously I am going to have to try and rearrange my diary. I have clients going to the Rugby World Cup and now that is all out the window.

You do realise that week is the week of the Rugby World Cup Final and you will lose a lot of participants because of that timing.

Regards

(insert common English name here)

Response to arsehole client:

(insert common English name here)

The event has been set for 17-18 October since December. The dates have not changed.

While admittedly I did not realise the World Cup was coming to its conclusion that week, I've just checked the match schedule and it would appear there are no matches scheduled at any point during the conference.

You do realise you're a complete prick.

Regards

CD