"Don't tase me Bro!"
The tasering of a University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer.
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Attack of the killer tomatoes... The History of the Bra... September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 
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As you may or may not have noticed, depending on whether or not you know how to read and actually feel inclined to read the news, recently there have been a series of attacks on humans perpetrated by tomatoes. Surely, you could blame this on salmonella and poor agricultural practice, but in the end you know who is truly to be held responsible—the tomatoes. When Alfred Hitchcock’s film The Birds was released, audiences laughed at the notion of birds revolting against humanity, but when an attack perpetrated by birds occurred in 1975, no one laughed. Now, for those of you who laugh at the notion of the tomatoes being responsible for this recent tomato scourge, I implore you to heed this: you may be laughing now, but you won’t be laughing for long; especially not when a tomato creeps out of your garbage disposal, draws you into a corner and leaves you covered with a red substance that even Ray Charles would know wasn’t tomato juice just by looking at it! Dear God man! All this happening while the media tries to convince us there is no real tomato threat by focusing our attention on our carbon footprints, the November elections, and of course your’ natural right to be boisterously flamboyant about your’ gayness. Before we know it, we’re going to have a full on tomato revolt on our hands where everyone from your grandparents, children and future president to your local, innocent, night time, naked, ocean swimmers will no longer be safe. Dear God man! It seems the final day of reckoning is nearly upon us! That crooked serpent has finally been released from his binds in the form of something that when pureed and sweetened goes well with fries and was once considered a delightful compliment to a tuna sandwich. WAAAAAHHHH! WAIN! WAAAAAHHHH! It seems that all hope is…Huh, wait a tick, this just in…a carrot revolt is said to be not far off from that old alfalfa patch once known as Baker’s Field. In the past, carrot revolts have been known to be used to ensure that future Killer Tomatoes films would never be made again. Yes! Tis true! The carrots are coming! O Joy! Yes, Joy! (Joy is my dog’s name and she’s as elated as I am right now…) It seems all hope is NOT lost! We can go on living our carefree lives filled with all you can eat buffets, softcore porn, and digital watches; and to think, we’ll never have to think twice when someone asks us to "pass the ketchup" again! Harumph! Hooray! The fucking carrots saved the day! Harumph! Hooray! The fucking carrots saved the day!
The National Geographic channel will be airing "The History of the Bra" tonight at ten. This is truly going to be an uplifting story. The show will keep you abreast of the lives and times of bras as the facts will be backed with tremendous support. National Geographic vows to hold nothing back while they reveal the background and foreground of this fundamental lump of history. So strap yourself in tonight at ten and fill your cups with knowledge. It will be over in a flash and I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss all the useful tidbits of information.
Plus, you might get to see some boobies. :)
Andrew Meyer, the guy who is responsible for spoiling the ending of the latest Harry Potter book to dozens of die-hard fans waiting in line for the book the night before it's release, was tasered in a University of Florida lecture hall after he attempted to harangue Massachusetts senator John Kerry during a campus talk held there the other day. Footage of the tasering, having spread widely across the internet, has opened up the floodgates of an eye-opening debate over First Amendment rights and police brutality as the cop doing the tasering, a known Die-hard Harry Potter fan, can clearly be seen muttering the unforgivable torture curse: "CRUCIO!!!" :)
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