"Don't tase me Bro!"
The tasering of a University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer.
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Attack of the killer tomatoes...
As you may or may not have noticed, depending on whether or not you know how to read and actually feel inclined to read the news, recently there have been a series of attacks on humans perpetrated by tomatoes. Surely, you could blame this on salmonella and poor agricultural practice, but in the end you know who is truly to be held responsible—the tomatoes. When Alfred Hitchcock’s film The Birds was released, audiences laughed at the notion of birds revolting against humanity, but when an attack perpetrated by birds occurred in 1975, no one laughed. Now, for those of you who laugh at the notion of the tomatoes being responsible for this recent tomato scourge, I implore you to heed this: you may be laughing now, but you won’t be laughing for long; especially not when a tomato creeps out of your garbage disposal, draws you into a corner and leaves you covered with a red substance that even Ray Charles would know wasn’t tomato juice just by looking at it! Dear God man! All this happening while the media tries to convince us there is no real tomato threat by focusing our attention on our carbon footprints, the November elections, and of course your’ natural right to be boisterously flamboyant about your’ gayness. Before we know it, we’re going to have a full on tomato revolt on our hands where everyone from your grandparents, children and future president to your local, innocent, night time, naked, ocean swimmers will no longer be safe. Dear God man! It seems the final day of reckoning is nearly upon us! That crooked serpent has finally been released from his binds in the form of something that when pureed and sweetened goes well with fries and was once considered a delightful compliment to a tuna sandwich. WAAAAAHHHH! WAIN! WAAAAAHHHH! It seems that all hope is…Huh, wait a tick, this just in…a carrot revolt is said to be not far off from that old alfalfa patch once known as Baker’s Field. In the past, carrot revolts have been known to be used to ensure that future Killer Tomatoes films would never be made again. Yes! Tis true! The carrots are coming! O Joy! Yes, Joy! (Joy is my dog’s name and she’s as elated as I am right now…) It seems all hope is NOT lost! We can go on living our carefree lives filled with all you can eat buffets, softcore porn, and digital watches; and to think, we’ll never have to think twice when someone asks us to "pass the ketchup" again! Harumph! Hooray! The fucking carrots saved the day! Harumph! Hooray! The fucking carrots saved the day!
2 comments from 2 users
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posted by
twinkie
on Jul 4, 2008 at 12:17 AM
ohMYfruckenGod.... genius post. hahahah I love it!!!! posted by
an1ok1joe
on Jul 4, 2008 at 03:24 PM
WHAT NEXT!!!!! Mars ATTACKS!!!!!! Save us Eddie Arnold!!!!!
gak,...gakk
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