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Good morning all. I debated with whether I should start a new blog since my attitude has somewhat changed from yesterdays crappy one. But I think I will be addressing some of the thoughts expressed in my last blog so here goes:

I didn't know Chris Page. And after much thought yesterday I have resigned myself to the fact that I have, in fact never really dealt with death and the dying. In fact, my friend and I were just talking about this a couple days ago: I come from a relatively small family and people only die when they're like 90. I've only attended two funerals in my life so my experience is kinda minimal. Why bring this up? 'Cuz I have this preconcieved tv-like notion about how people (I?) should act towards others in instances like this.

Very recently, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (breast cancer). Her prognosis, truth be known, isn't good. So lots of dark things have been going through my mind in the past couple of months. Let's toss in my own chronic/manic depression (I take meds for it) and a bevy of other, less-important issues... I guess it all adds up to my lack of experience and some bad timing.

Despite my pessimistic nature I have rare and fleeting moments when I think people (average everday people like me) "should/could" do the right thing. If for no other reason than it's what the heart and soul begs for, no? I believe I now go through life relatively guarded, definately jaded and somewhat medicated against the ills that pervade our culture. But sometimes, a tiny little spark of "something" goes off in me and I wonder (and rage) about what could've been; what should be. Silly? Perhaps. But I think if that spark ever really goes away, I'll be dead inside. Yet another reason why I completely understand why Chris did what he did and how easy it can be to get there.

My recent reaction to Chris' passing stems from a surprisingly deep affinity I feel for the man though I never heard of him until recently. We are both writers, similar age, similar interests, passions and struggles... Assessments of his writing are exact duplicates of the critiques I have received all my life. It's like I'm looking at myself and I wonder: Could that have been me? Could it still?

Maybe this news and subsequent internal revelations are harbingers of bigger hurdles yet to come. Perhaps I am being warned, or prepared in some way. Perhaps I'm thinking too much on it. Perhaps.

From this dead-weight shark to anyone interested in receiving it: My apologies for the ruckus.