Craig didn’t show up for “Control Freaks.” I called him and re-called him and messaged him just like he asked and still he elected to not be present.

I could choose to be hurt. Or not. I am choosing not.

The audience, you see, loved the show. There was a lot of laughter and there were several repeat folks in the house who brought friends along for more.

That says a LOT.  From my perch in the booth I watch people watching the show, I gauge responses from their faces, their hands covering their mouths, their elbows in the side of the friend sitting beside them.

For the first time I elected to come around after the show and hang out in the lobby before I started cleaning like a madwoman. I finally decided it was safe to be where the audience was – and so many of these people were friends, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I collected some hugs – especially enjoying Sheila’s comments about Jeremiah, “This is the best work I have seen him do,” and picked up a broom and a dustpan.  The glitter was all over the floor, just like Jen’s-lines-as-Betty say they will be.

I have a morbid fear of making either the Empty Space board or the Jesse’s Place cast and crew angry.

Jen came through and said, “You and Julia are the best clean up crew I have seen, you go about your work so quickly and without complaining.” I don’t really think about it. There is a job that needs to get done so I do it.  “I feel like such a primadonna” she continued. “Here I am hanging out with people and there you are, digging through trash cans and getting everything away.”

“Ahhh, no worries,” I said.  “I just want to be sure we are set for the next show. I have had nightmares about accidentally leaving doors open or people finding trash and complaining about that horrible Julie Jordan Scott.

It was 1:15 a.m. when I was done. I found Jeremiah and Julie outside. “Hey, Miah, do you know what Sheila said to me?”

“No, what?”

“She said this was the best work she has seen you do yet.”

He smiled, shyly, and became the man I met almost exactly a year ago at “Five Women” read through who said the reason he was doing the play was because “I want to find my soul.”

Now he was saying “What I have loved about this part is you allowed me to completely find my character and go way out there with it. I appreciate that,”

I smiled. “Well, as an actor, that is what I like to do – and as a Director, I hope actors will do that, too… and if you did anything horrifying or way off, I would call you on it. Instead, you dove right in and in two weeks had an incredible performance that will allow people to see you in a different way than before.”

We talked a little bit more and I climbed into Betty the Buick and drove away, alone, into the night.

That’s the worst part.

The “alone into the night” part.

I used to be completely ok with it. It was expected.

Now it made my heart hurt. Again. If Craig had showed up, I would not have had the cool conversation with Jeremiah. I would have, instead, rushed through my clean up and gone off with him and probably had a satisfying-on-one-hand time and on the other, an empty, not-up-to-par string of moments that I might just regret.

See, it all works out as it is supposed to work out.

Al Ghazzali wrote, “The heart of humanity has been so made by God that, like a flint, it contains a hidden fire which is evolved by music and harmony and renders each person beside himself or herself with ecstacy.”

Well, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic at this point, but I was content. Empty, lonely, yet content. I was aware. I wasn’t making any foolish choices.

A bottle of wine and some in depth discussion would be incredible in this moment. And the moments allowing myself to simply be empty were a decent second-best.

My hidden fire is still there, waiting – and knowing that since it has been seen and experienced it will be seen and experienced again. It is up to me to create the environment to bring it around again fearlessly.