I felt like I was living a Jackson Browne lyric at “Picnic” rehearsal yesterday.

“Here come those tears again, just when I was getting’ over you… just when I was gonna make it through another night, without missing you…. thinking I might just be strong enough after all, when I hear your footsteps, echoing in the hall….”

Mark missed rehearsal today so I got to run my “Marry me, Howard” scene with Barry. I was clicking even without “my Howard.”  Even with Barry’s practically line-by-line blocking instruction I was able to brew tears, real tears… really emotionally responsive tears… as I was left… again.

Later we were blocking a very different, victorious scene… and Mrs. Potts showed Rosemary compassion… deep, heartfelt, real compassion… and I started welling up again. I fanned myself, trying to get it to stop.

Maybe it was Rosemary’s situation, a situation I can relate to completely. Not necessarily the exact situation, but the impact the situation has upon her psyche.

Maybe it is my situation, my life that brought the tears so easily. Maybe it is Sam starting kindergarten, maybe it is Katherine starting High School. Maybe it was feeling like I was ruining Emma’s birthday by being at the theatre for much of the day instead of doting on her.  Maybe it was sheer exhaustion.

I don’t know.

I am reminded of what I say when my life coaching clients use those three words.  “I don’t know.”  “If “I don’t know” wasn’t in your vocabulary, what would you say instead?”

I would say I love what I am doing so much that sometimes it scares me.

I would say I find solace in my art and sometimes that solace excludes others and that makes me sad even though I am exhilarated by it – even the emotion itself.

I would say I am afraid for each show I work on, afraid it will not find an audience, afraid the other actors may evaporate, afraid my performance will be disappointing, afraid I will step on someone’s toes if I don’t keep my big mouth shut, afraid it might be my last time on stage.

Yep. That’s the bottom line.

Sure, I worry about those other things, but the bottom line is because I know what it is to step away for thirty years, I relish each moment I am on stage. It is not just a “oh, gee, this is fun to do a show” thing for me.

It is so much more than that.

Here come those tears again. Thank you, Jackson Browne, for making a guest appearance at rehearsal yesterday.

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"Picnic", witten by William Inge and Directed by Barry Wolcott, won the Pulitzer Prize in 1953. It explores the hopes, fears, excitement and sorrow of following our dreams while we make choices that impact the ones we love. It is playing at Bakersfield Community Theatre beginning September 8 for three weekends. Call 831-8114 for reservations and further details.