There have been two times in my life that I have fallen to my knees in grief.

Once was after my daughter, Marlena, died. I am trying to recall – it must have been a little less than a month later, when some of the initial numbness was wearing off. I remember I walked from the kitchen to the living room and I heard something. Again, I can’t remember what. I lifted my arms over my heard and in anguish they fell back to the Earth, taking me down at the same time.

I rested my face on the couch and sobbed.

The second time was a couple years later. I had a dog, he was a golden colored Chow named  Loo. He was a hyper dog to say the least. Impulse control – not something within his fluffy-covered frame.

Katherine was a baby and Loo bit Ken. We felt we had no choice. Loo might bite a child.

I was out walking Katherine one morning as was my standard routine.  I returned to the house and saw Loo’s leash, hanging on the doorknob.  There was no Loo. My heart started racing. Loo had been my faithful companion when Marlena died. 

Ken walked into the room. “Where’s Loo?” I asked. Ken’s face said it all.

I sunk to my knees. Tears rained down my cheeks.

This natural, sinking in utter sadness reminds me of something I read from Maria Callas, something I have remembered when I burst into song in musicals.  Our characters sing when spoken words alone can not express the depth of moment in a particular moment.

Her wisdom helped provide the motivation to start singing the infamous ‘Pineapple Song’ in “Cabaret.”  It is actually called “It Couldn’t Please Me More.”  Some people found that song to be ridiculous.

For Fraulein Schneider, that song is a celebration, an affirmation, a song that builds a bridge between “Herr Schultz thinks I’m a nice neighbor” to “Va Va Va Voom – Herr Schultz really really likes me and… yes… I really really like him…..”

So, we sing.

When we are struck deeply with grief, we fall to our knees – as Rosemary does during her moment of heartbreak in “Picnic.”  Her not-so-quiet desperation, covered in layers and layers of gaiety lies in shattered pieces as she sinks to her knees.

Last night at rehearsal I allowed that to begin sinking into my own consciousness.

I felt the restlessness within myself. I was doing a lot of pacing, using a lot of breath as we struggled with our lines.  I had my hands on my hips a lot, looking to Barry for guidance, listening to his words as he coached me.

I finally heard him allow me to follow my gut and from there, things clicked into place.  He had probably given me that permission long before, but for whatever reason, I hadn’t let it filter through my awareness.

Playwright Beth Henley said, “Some really good things kind of swing both ways and I like to see people that can swing really, really, really sad and horrible and terrible and really, really, really beautiful and funny.”

That’s what I am aiming for with Rosemary. She never thinks before she speaks, she is self-righteous yet breaks her own rules, she knows it all and tells everyone she knows it all. She is vivacious, caring, and bossy…. yet nurturing and kind.

I am so grateful to have the chance to bring her to life. With each day, it gets better-whether I am at rehearsal or not, I walk around with Rosemary by my side, waiting for my attention, awakening me from sleep.

Her mother was lecturing her on stage last night and I heard it, too.

“Rosemary – you know better.”  “Rosemary, who buys the cow when they can get the milk for free?”  “You’ve gone and done it now, Rosemary.”

It is Rosemary who really sees the sun as it sets.  It is Rosemary who makes the new teacher feel at home.  And it is Rosemary who falls to her knees in grief who also ultimately discovers true happiness.

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"Picnic", written by William Inge and Directed by Barry Wolcott, won the Pulitzer Prize in 1953. It explores the hopes, fears, excitement and sorrow of following our dreams while we make choices that impact the ones we love. It is playing at Bakersfield Community Theatre beginning September 8 for three weekends. Call 831-8114 for reservations and further details