The last hour I've been going through my photo albums on yahoo.  I went from pixie brunette to funky short blond, to aviator blond, then BOOM - it went black.

I didn't even get that far.  I became a bit emotional as I looked at the photos taken 12-31-04.  I'm cute, blond, happy ... had no clue that several months later I'd be told I had cervical cancer, then several months after that an operation that I thought would be in an out - instead I was out of work 10 days, bled for months, and couldn't get any answers to why my cervix was "spongy" or why I would randomly gush blood like a geyser.  That's about when I went black again.  I haven't gone back ... instead I've let my hair gradually go back to normal, just as I have gradually gone back to normal.  I still get have random issues with the girl parts, whatever - I'm a cancer survivor.

Still ... I wish I could turn back time and relive 2004.  That was a good year, let me rephrase that, that was a fucking awesome year!  I miss the friends I'd head out of town to visit on random weekends - my getaway to the coast, something about them and their place was just what I always seemed to need.  Then they moved to Washington right at the end of the year. 

I guess I'm just feeling kind of down, big things, good things, have happened since 2004 - I graduated college, survived cancer, bought a house, went to China ... but there is something missing, or maybe someone ...

Oh, not to mention my Aunt Vickie passed away last year, then my Gram passed away last week.

And that's what led me to searching for a bottle of wine, then instead popping open a bottle of champagne.  Isn't that supposed to be a celebratory drink?  Nevermind, I'm always doing thing backwards.

I'm just not satisfied, I feel a little melancholy, even a bit lackadaisical, morose, and gutted.  Times like these I really should pick my sketch book back up.  Maybe I will.

Sigh.