A new Star Wars Movie is set to come out. So now it's time to start a brand new...

Star Wars Bitch Session....



This new movie lets us in on just what went on between Episodes II and III, as if we needed to know. Well, perhaps we did. Maybe it will explain more about why Anikan went to the dark side instead of just assuming he did so because he was just a spoiled, whiny little bitch who didn't get his way, which is what I could only gather from Episode III. "Whaaa! I'm on the counsel but I'm not a master. I'm gonna be a Sith, that's what I'll do. Then they'll be sorry!"

The plot of this new movie already shows that it will be as much, if not more of a fiasco the prequels were. In this movie, the warring sides of the Republic and the Separatists are competing to ally with the Huts. Apparently joining forces with gangsters, which is what the Huts are supposed to be, will give some sort of a tactical advantage. Imagine, if you will, if the key to winning the war on terror was to recruit the Italian Mafia, and both the Us and Al-Qaeda were seeking audiences with the Dons to form an alliance. Yes, it sounds ridiculous to me as well.

Ten years ago I would have seen this movie no questions asked. I would be in line at the midnight showing. But today I will not pay good money to see this movie. I may rent it, through Netflix when it comes out, but only so I can say that at least I saw it. I have no confidence that this won't be the convoluted Saturday morning cartoon fodder the prequels were.

Ah, the prequels. They have done what nothing else could: ruin Star Wars. Even I didn't consider the Special Edition versions of the original trilogy as anything that could ruin Star Wars. The prequels were my most anticipated movies of all time; I knew they were coming since I was a kid. Alas, I have learned there is a fork in that road, one leading to fanatic bliss and the other leading to utter and severe disappointment. Needless to say, we are at the latter.

I can't talk about every disappointment. If I did I'd never finish this blog. But I do want to talk about one thing now...

Midichlorians

"The Force... surrounds us, penetrates us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." That was the ultimate description of The Force for me. It was a mystical presence in the universe that only certain gifted individuals could tap into. It was fantastical and was what made Star Wars more of a fantasy than a pure science fiction.

Then along came the prequels.

Now the The Force has a scientific explanation of sorts: microscopic bacteria in a Jedi's bloodstream called "midichlorians." Suddenly The Force went from totally awesome to totally gay. So what I understand is that Jedi need these microscopic doodads in order to control The Force. My question is, what's to stop an ordinary person from freebasing Jedi blood in order to acquire this ability themselves? You'd think it's something that would be very marketable in the obviously capitalistic society of the Republic, or at least on some sort of underground black market. "Hey, man. I got your midichlorians right here. One taste and you'll be moving things with your mind, man!"

You know that scene in "The Shining" where Jack is typing away in the lobby and Shelly Duvall comes along and asks him if he wants something to eat, and then he goes totally nuts on her for interrupting his work? My wife just interrupted me while writing this blog. I axed her... nicely not to do so again. Where was I?

So, a Jedi is pretty much dependent on his midichlorians to work The Force. What if he, like, bleeds out and has to get a transfusion? He'd be up the creek if normal blood instead of Jedi blood is pumped back into him.

I actually read something somewhere, some quote from Lucas himself or some other Star Wars trivia source saying that the reason Luke could stand up to Vader was because Vader wasn't really the stud Sith Lord he was made out to be. The reason for that was because he had lost all of his limbs thus impairing his ability to use The Force as strongly as he could have. No, I'm sorry what you thought before, that Luke was really powerful despite being a freshman Jedi, enough to go toe to toe with Dad. Or that in the first battle Vader was holding back because he wasn't trying to kill but merely capture Luke, and in the second battle he had that internal conflict with his good side which was holding him back on laying the smack down. It's just that Vader was handicapped.



But then I started thinking about the midichloreans. Yes, of course! When Anikan got sliced up like a Christmas ham at the hands of Obi-Wan, he must have lost a shitload of midichloreans. That's the ticket! It all makes since now! And it also ruins Star Wars that much more, thanks to the prequels.