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Until recently, I thought I’d seen pretty much anything movies could offer.

But after watching “Sweet Movie,” I know I’ve seen everything. Should you choose to partake of this movie, you’ll be in for a wild ride.

It starts out simple enough with organ music grinding through the opening credits, but you know things are a little askew when the jaunty tune gives way to the opening scene: a poster of a woman with a Statue of Liberty crown on her head, a young woman dressed in an orange Scandinavian grandma costume loudly singing: “On the mountain top / I see something black / Is it cow shit / Or my beloved.”

This is the first clue to steep levels of satyr, but don’t forget to adjust your seat belt and to suspend your current system of morals and values — no matter how liberal you consider yourself to be, we’ve got nothing on the ‘70s!

“Sweet Movie” follows two women, Miss Canada (or Miss Monde) and Anna Planneta. The dual plots eventually intertwine, but the story starts rolling when a nubile Canadian trumps a chastity contest televised nationally on “The Crazy Daisy Show,” winning a marriage to a wealthy American bachelor. Implied is that every girl’s dream is to be discovered by a wealthy bachelor — a contemporary fairy tale sans happily-ever-after.

The dialogue consists of a steady stream of sound bites and commercials, a direct nod to the commodification of American culture and identity. For instance, the bachelor’s family motto, “When we buy something, we buy the best and we buy it new,” is proudly decreed as the hymen of a participant is examined with a live audience. (What current reality show has done that?)

After the recently wedded couple arrives at their castle, the groom makes a speech announcing that, in addition to having a consistent and healthy source of sex, “Marriage is a great gimmick for saving money and time — and time is money!” The groom's sense of fiscal efficiency is partnered with a Protestant inclination towards cleanliness: as the marriage is about to become consummated, the groom cleans his bride with rubbing alcohol first. Miss Canada’s confusion transforms to horror when her husband unveils his golden penis.

Without her sexual consent, Miss Canada is useless to the family and is done away with. After a “finger lickin’ good” romp with a black man in a milk bottle, and a quick scene change alluding to incest, Miss Canada is shipped off, quite literally, to Paris — further illustrating the commodification of women.

In Europe, Miss Canada experiences love at first sight then gets stuck to her lover mid coitus. Stunned and having reverted to an infantile state, Miss Canada is taken in by a commune, which is when the shit truly hits the fan. Any Western or American notions of cleanliness, sterility, sanity, identity or society are abolished. Conceptually, it’s interesting. Visually, it’s disturbing.

Conversely, our other heroine, the Scandinavian Anna Planneta, is free spirit who runs her own ship of pleasure — yet proves to be a siren as she lets no lover live. We watch as a former soldier is caught by her presence and will not rest until he has Anna conquered. Much of Anna’s world is foreign to Western viewers because she is shaped by wars, dead friends, past political leaders and regimes still important to the Eastern European identity but are fading fast in American minds. No longer does the dialogue consist of trite sound bites but a poetic exchange of wooing, party songs, elegiac memories, haunting flute music and loud group singing. In the midst of her ship, surrounded by a collage of political and pop cultural icons, is a gimbaled bed filled with sugar, a major symbol of “Sweet Movie.” In this room is where Anna Planneta’s love and destruction takes place. Not to be outdone by Anna’s sugar bed, at the end of the movie Miss Canada offers up her own performance covered in chocolate — salacious and solo.

In this movie, dualities are key. An important theme is life and death — the horror struck, death-stretched mouths and emaciated yet clothed remains of those massacred in the Katryn Forest are poetically echoed as Anna Planneta’s lover emerges from the sugar bed and grins, his very much alive and gaping, grinning maw so much like the dead. True to postmodern form, the meta-narratives in this film playfully, ironically dance between life and death, East and West, male and female, rich and poor, capitalism and communism, past and present. These hyperbolic examples of stereotypes allow the viewer to easily contemplate issues so common we don’t see them any more.

When you watch "Sweet Movie," do so with a huge grain of salt and enjoy the ride! Watching the interviews attached to the movie help to explain much of the background information, and will calm your anxiety about some of the film's content. After you ingest "Sweet Movie," regular movies will seem terribly two-dimensional.

SWEET MOVIE WEB INFO

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This movie was great fun to watch, and trippy from the very beginning. The soundtrack was edited to coincide well with visuals, drawing specific attention to sound, which is important as the narration is key.

Initially I was a bit dismayed by a lack of superpowers on the part of the vampires (other than vast wealth, ample ammunition, and the ability to jump off buildings and land unharmed). But by the end I was more than satisfied. The set design and costuming were to die for, and most characters developed interestingly — those who remained stagnant I didn't like anyhow. It's a pretty complicated plot, but well worth understanding.

Lucien, the supposed antagonist, is like a creepy Christ, which makes it funny that he's a rebel leader and given to practicing torture. Ironic, but war's war. Craven, the true antagonist, is melodramatic in a two-dimensional way, but perhaps that only proves him a stronger foil for Selene. Brave Selene. Strong Selene.

Tropes throughout the movie point back to modernization — a fulcrum in time when humanity leapt forward technologically and disintegrated morally. The turn-of-the-century feeling throughout the movie heightens a sense of impending change, along with the theme of inevitable progression as dualities are contrasted: ancient culture, contemporary city; animalistic, refined; male, female; older generation, younger generation; human, otherwise; vampire, lycan; bravery, cowardice; determination, weakness.

I very much enjoyed this movie, and can't wait to see it's sequel that, thankfully, just showed up in my mailbox.