.......chews nails and spits thumb tacks and paperclips while doing the wild contortionist routine that the lock-picking circus carney (now cleverly masquerading as NR the R.N., the trouble-and-adult-film-making buxom white-clad angel of medicinal mercy) had taught him back in his wandering doggy-days on the road that led him to Medugoje, Bosnia, where the Virgin Mary appears daily.(Merlot himself had not seen the Virgin Mary - or any other virgins in that part of Bosnia, come to thunk of it.) Being a truth-seeking and holistic cockapoo, Merlot had gone in search of the perfect Snausage, not like the Snausages that all of those funky Internet adds promised would be..........

Leap tall buildings in a single bound. He will run farther, faster. He will be stronger, as well as more flexible when he..............

.......last can of Jolt cola and a jar with a small cylindrical somethingorother in it. She gasped "Where on earth did you find this?"
"Yeah, I know,it's almost impossible to get Jolt cola anywhere these days....."
"Not that", she said, holding up the jar with the small cylindrical somethingorother in it. "This!" 
He looked at her with a thin smile. "Will the wonders of the Ronco DerrierScope Six never cease? Congratulations, NR, I know  a cockapoo that's going to be very happy! Once this is re-attached, Merlot will once again be able to........."

............in Mr.Bubble and Red Bull? My, but wouldn't that be a tantalizing fragrence?"
No longer in the mood for a coy flutter, NR the R.N. batted her long eyelashes as she slid nimbly into Dr.E's arms, and whispered moistly into his ear "What flavor Mr.Bubble?"
"It comes in flavors?" he asked, flabbergasted.(All this flabbergasting was making him thirsty. And also creating a strange urge to change guitar strings.)
"Oh, yeah" NR the R.N. breathed softly in his ear, causing his right leg to twitch.(You know, kinda like your dog does when you hit the sweet spot on his belly.) Her hand slid slowly down his front and into the double-secret doctor's smock pocket and slowly slid out his...............

BTW JESSI, THE TRANSLATION WAS PROVIDED BY:http://babelfish.altavista....

Naughty night nurse vidoe vixen in your spare time. I also know that you used to be a B cup and now your a triple D cup. I have even seen a couple of your pay per view videos late at night. A little advice for the camera my dear, if the roof is red, the basement should match or be bare. I vote you go bare. NR the RN blushes as her bottom lip begins to quiver. Fluttering her long lushious maxfactor eyelashes she says,  So Dr. E are you going to fire me for vidoe taping myself giving sponge bathes to patients in a coma? No said Dr E, but could you please at least do more videos of yourself bathing...........

...circus carney.  I was young, dumb and needed the money.  Please don't hold it against me." She continued.  Dr. E raised one eyebrow after hearing her plead.  "What was that you said, NR?"  She ran towards him, breastesess bouncing in her tight smock like two pigs wrestling under a blanket. Dr. E was mesmerized.  "Please don't hold it against me" she bellowed to him.  Dr. E, completely distracted by the wrestling pigs, looked up and finally gazed into her eyes and asked, "Please don't hold what against me?" His eyes were drawn back to the wrestling pigs like magnets to metal.   NR began to get frustrated. "Dr. E!!  My eyes are up here!" she quipped, grabbing his chin with her hand and guiding his face gently upward.  At that very moment, the two finally locked eyes.  Dr. E couldn't resist NRs big full lips that quivered as she spoke.  He couldn't take it any longer.  He grabbed both of NR's shoulders and pulled NR to him, leaning in closely to taste those lips he secretly adored.  NR pulled away.  "DR. E!!" she said flabbergasted, "What are you doing?  This is totally inappropriate!".  Dr. E had a look of complete confusion on his face.  He finally mumbled, "NR, I can't believe that you don't know by now how much I have adored you for all these years.  You see, I already knew of your history as a circus carney.  I even know of how you were viciously attacked by a PMSing monkey after your first year at the circus that scarred  you so badly you had to have all that plastic surgery."  NRs eyes began to well up with tears.  How could he have known?  "I even know, NR," Dr. E. moved closer to NR, "of how  you finally decided after the monkey attack, to have further surgery and finally become a...................

... can of Tang.

"Oh, but Dr. E, you know how only astronauts and children on Big Wheels swig that stuff!" exclaimed NR the R.N. 

He flippently raised a hand at her as he trotted off down the corridor eagerly awaiting his sweet and tangy vending machine treats, she thought to his earlier question as to how the chastity belt had to of been removed to remove the key ... "Dr. E!" She yelled after him, "I have mad pick locking skills, I picked them up during my shameful days as a ... "

Oh my the attention is amazing.  So sorry I thought Sharon could translate better for you.  My lover and I have been to Paris for

Valentine's Day and then off to Ireland for the 9th annual Gathering Festival.  It was the bomb man!!!  Great musicians!!!!!  If you ever should have the opportunity to go to this event you should.  It is usually in February.  The weather is cold but who cares when you are inside listening to some fabulous musicians.  We had a great time and plan it again for next year.  Paris is so romantic.  The French really don't have any hangups regarding sexuality as apparently you AKA's don't either.  Your responses have been quite entertaining.  So sorry to miss the fun until now.  No more holidays for another month.  It is so nice to be born with a silver spoon which lends to frequent travel and great fun.  Mon cherie, j'taime.

........."By the way, NR, what's this small cylindrical somethingorother in this other bottle? And did you run across any spare change when you were digging this stuff out of where it came from? I'm going down to the vending machines for a peanut butter twix and a can of......."

....bottle of Excedrin, the extra stregnth pain reliever he kept on hand for those times that he taxed the load level of his pockets, or tested the accumen of his sharp (as a marble) wits on conundrums such as this.
"It's just not adding up" he mused softly, popping six Excedrin into his mouth and chasing them with two warm Red Bulls*. (They really should make those cans bigger, don't you think?) His eyes reflectively wandered down to the cordovan boots that he was wearing, where his gaze stopped as he was puzzled yet again. What on earth would make me shave and polish my boots, he wondered. A sudden memory flashed across his mind, he was driving - no, he was backing out - my God! Could it be possible? Am I actually, in fact, unequivably, without a doubt, trapped in the dual personas of-
       "Dr.E! Dr.E!" NR the R.N. bustled up to him (minus the heretofore annoying squeak that always accompanied her bustling - that WD-40 really DOES work, he thought) holding two specimen jars. "We thought that you needed to see these."
       He took the proferred jars and held them up the fluorescent ceiling light. One jar contained a small key, the other a small cylindrical somethingorother.A smile began to form on Dr.E's lips."Well done, NR! I'll bet my last RockStar that this is the key to the chastity belt under the bloomers of the lady that was brought into ER that you called me on my cell phone about as I was backing out of the driveway of the house that Jack built - sorry, I meant, out of my driveway this morning. (!) Where on earth did you find this?"
       NR the R.N. smiled coyly. "Well, let's just say, Dr.E, that we never would have found it without the Ronco DerrierScope 6!" she said proudly.
       Dr.E's smile suddenly faded, as his gaze locked with that of NR the R.N.'s. "Let me understand, Nurse", he said with deliberate soft slowness.(And she knew she was in trouble, since Dr.E had called her the N word.) "You couldn't use the Ronco DerrierScope 6 unless you had the chastity belt undone, and yet you used the Ronco DerrierScope 6 to find and extract the key in order to unlock the chastity belt." His eyes bored into her. "Un petite mysterie, nes pas?" (Eerie sound of an ocsillating Moog sine wave.)
       Unable to escape his gaze, NR the R.N. stammered "Whu-what are you saying, Doctor?"
       "Un petite mys--"
       "N-no, what I mean is, what are you s-s-saying? I don't speak French very well."
       As he stared at her, it occurred to Dr.E that yet another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place.(A bit early in the script, perhaps, but more on that later.) Drawing in a deep breath, he said....

*Gentle reader - do not attempt the six Excedrin with two Red Bulls at any time. I tried slamming asprin with Coca-Cola once, and my stomach hasn't been the same since (well over forty years ago). For all I know, the combination of Red Bull and Excedrin might cause parts to fall off of you, if not make you comatose or dead. 
DUN BE STOOPID!!!  

Back pocket. He must be from "another world". No human could possibly fit something that large into their back pocket. This would also explain his rather large green.......

Dr.E stared blankly at Nurse Ratchet.(who went by the abbreviated name NR the R.N.), silently wondering how he had gotten from his driveway to the hospital. "Gotta lay off the hash" he quietly told himself, and then began to re-think the events of this already busy day as he unwrapped and devoured a L'il Debbie brownie.
"So, it's the ol' Ronco scope in the back pocket trick, is it, NR the R.N.? You expect me to believe that he could fit something that big in his...."

....back pocket. "Oh Doctor, no wonder you couldn't find it" said the nurse.

"Nonsense" the doctor muttered, "it is much too large to fit in my back pocket!!"

"Not if it is slightly oiled!" she grimmaced as she pulled out a can of WD-40 from her skirt

...sleeve. And now the poor thing is starting to babble in tongues, and has apparantly taken on another personality, some sort of froggy Mick character who am of Paris and is going to a Scotish gathering in Ireland."

Dr.E (who, leave us not forget, is really El Petticoto) stares at his cell phone, transfixed by what Nurse Ratchet was telling him. How can this be? he thought frantically to himself. We don't have a Ronco DerrierScope 6 - unless, of course, Nurse Ratchet's seemingly harmless flirtaions with Reginald Rodino the Ronco Rep (R2 the R2 to his friends) had escalated to the point that Reginald, swooning under the spell of the fetching Nurse Ratchet, had magically pulled a Ronco DerrierScope 6 out of his.......