I decided to write a report here on Bakotopia once a week. Sort of an editorial about what's going on that may or may not be worth turning an eye to. Read along, click along, clap along or just watch the videos over on the sidebar...

Bakersfield news has been its usual strange roller coaster ride: shootings, court stories, random bits of strangeness. OK, the Space shuttle landed in Kern County again -- minus one $100,000 tool bag. Fresh & Easy opened their hip grocery store chain in Bako. I popped in on their opening and all the media were gathered like bugs on produce while folks outside chattered in the cold holding onto green carts like a giant midget car race. Me included. I ate a tofu burrito sample and talked to their twitter expert and marketing guru. The mayor was there lurking and there was a sort of "Key to the store" moment that seemed kind of like a game show.

The new downtown Bakersfield trolley is a kick. I was expecting a huge San Francisco Rice O'Roni treat. It's small, but fun. And it's a start. I just hope they got the bell fixed after the mayor broke the chain off. Hilarious video. Why am I the only one who posted that hilarious footage online?

Who would have thought a salsa Virgin Mary stain would be such a popular story? People have been flocking to it. Could be the sense of hope we all need during the holidays. There's hope in salsa like there's hope in the Lotto. Hey, if there's a line to this woman's house I just want to know if there's free chips and salsa like Kuka's had at First Friday.

I wrote some nonfiction about glue machines, pink glue, crazy Davey and life in the late 80s.

Rockwell, the Lord of Trout's, marched two giant horses outside his Oildale bar to make a point about strength in community. Imagine if he used rhinos, or marched a flock of ostrich?

I guess I got all opinionated on the "day without a gay" story. Really, locally, there is no story. Gays in Bakersfield mostly hide under rocks. I just don't think they're calling in sick around town. If they are? Well someone please give that person an award. But I'm guessing local gays just want to WORK during the holidays like everyone else.

In Fresno, their roller derby girls hung up their skates, while their ice hockey team attendance is down. Not in Bakersfield where people still love their teddy bear toss. The Bako Jam is getting under opposing rival coaches' skin already. The coach of the Utah Flash busted his clip board at the Rabobank Arena. Poor sport.

That's all I got. It's just a lot of nothing anyways.

Don't worry, I'll give you a whole new list of nothing next week...
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N.L. BELARDES is managing editor for FaceBakersfield. His work has appeared on the homepage of CNN.com and other news sites all over America. You can purchase Lords: Part One, which describes the infamous Lords of Bakersfield. His Twitter novel, “Small Places” was recently featured in the Christian Science Monitor. His bizarre trivia book, “Random Obsessions,” is due to hit store shelves in late 2009. He’s also a contributing writer to TheNervousBreakdown.com.