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The weirdest things happen to me. All the time. Really, they do. I could say I have bad luck... if most of the time it wasn't so damn funny. See, it happens so often, that I have learned to just laugh it off. At least not most of the time. 

Most of the time, I expect it. And I think it's funny. Most of the time.

One example of this is when I was in high school. I was on the Cross Country team. We were at a meet once and I somehow forgot to bring my running shoes. Or I lost them? I don't remember. I was too busy goofing off with my friend Ronnie's sister, Lisa. She was about four or five years younger than me. 

She was cute. 

She was fun. 

She had to lend me her shoes so that I could compete that day. I wore a size 5. She wore a size 7 or 8? I forget. All I know is every step I took her shoes went, swoosh, swoosh... and so I had to take these HUGE giant steps or they would fall off. It could only happen to Twinkie. Only me. Did I stress out? Nah, I laughed it off. And I actually had a really good race. I think it was all those giant steps I had to take to keep the shoes on. 

Yes stuff like this happens to me all the time. I could say I have bad luck. Then again, I could also say I just lead a very funny life. Very funny. Constantly funny. ha. Or I have bad luck? Nah... it's funny.

The biggest example of this is on my wedding day. Which by the way was 8 years ago as of September 19th. So anyways, it was a fairly small family wedding. Mr. Twinkie and I wanted to elope, but alas for the sake of our family we decided to have a "wedding". They were happy. 

Ok so anyways.. on to my story. I woke up, went with my best friends Gabby and Dolores to get our nails done.  My sister in law is a hairdresser, so we went to her to do my hair. She also did my makeup. Then we were off to Porterville, which is where the wedding was taking place.  

The music starts... 
the bridesmaids walk, one by one as rehearsed down the ailse. 
It's almost my turn.  

My sister in law says, "Wait, let's re-touch your makeup and spray your hair with hairspray one last time"   

She asks my friend Gabby to get her makeup bag and asks Dolores to find some hairspray. They follow her orders, then run out for their turn at walking down the aisle.  

My sister in law touches up my makeup. Then she starts spraying my hair. But the spray is coming out funny. It's really white and really thick for some reason. We figure it must be broken or something. She shakes it, as if that is going to fix it, then tries again. Spray, spray.. it looks white and foggy, but she keeps spraying.  

As she gets ready to give up and just put the aeresol can of hair spray away, she looks at the bottle. She reads the label, "SUAVE SPRAY ON DEODERANT.  

Too late to do anything. It's my turn to walk down the aisle. To make my vows to love and cherish him, through thick and through thin, till death do us part. With my white spray on deoderant covered hair. What do I do? Do I cry? Do I call the wedding off? Do I say I need more time? Enough time to wash my hair and restyle it, deoderant free?

 Nah, who cares. I'm marrying the best man in the world. And I'm marrying into the best family(other than my own) a girl could wish for. And the mariachi is playing my FAVORITE SONG so that I can walk down the ailse. Nothing could be more perfect. Even my frosted white hair.

 Which by the way, my husband thought I "frosted" on purpose, to match my white wedding dress.  Happy 8th wedding anniversary Mr. Twinkie~

*those of you who are on my myspace friends list have seen pictures of my hair, now you know WHY it's white!

OMG, I stink. Seriously. What the hell. It's been the past few days, I just can't shake that smell. I shower, I put on deoderant. And yet, by lunchtime... ewwww stinky. I can't smell it when I'm just sitting around. But as soon as I get ready to go somewhere.. I start walking and there it is. The stank. 

I go to lunch and hope it's not soooooo bad that everybody around me can smell it. I mean, how embarrassing. What the hell is going on with me? I get to my lunch destination and AGAIN.... not so bad. But then I get up to go back to work and there it is.. the stank. This morning as I was heading to work, I smelled again. Dammit. What the hell? No way I smell already, right? I just took a damn shower.  What the hell is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

 Maybe it's a punishment of some sort for something I've done in a past life, or something I'm going to do in the future? Why me, though? WHY? There has to be worse people than me. Why me? I never used to stink. Even in my more active days, I'd run five miles and I there was no stank following me around. Is it old age setting in? Should I just get used to the fact that the stank is gonna follow me now that  I'm nearing 35?

Ok, fine. I have decided to come to terms with it. Shit. And then I figure, well, if I'm going to have the stank curse the rest of my damn life I might as well look good. I need to reapply my Mary Kay Downtown Brown lipstick and powder my nose so I can at least look somewhat decent in all my stankness. Maybe I'll even start wearing old lady perfume, to mask the smell. It won't be so bad. I mean things could be worse, right?

So I reach into my brand new brown canvas purse I just bought from Avon and ..... it STINKS. It's not me, it's my beautiful new Avon purse that I bought with the matching shoes. It STINKS! HOORAY for my stinky brown canvas Avon purse. I love you.

So I'm sitting around checking my email one night. My six year old is hangin' with mom, talking about stuff. I'm kind of just half listening. He's talking about how bored he is, and how he wishes he was a teenager so he can do all the stuff his brother and sister get to do.

LIKE WHAT?

Well, they get to have friends over.

SO DO YOU

Yeah, but they don't let me hang out with them.

My teenage son had friends over earlier and he'd been kicked out of the room because he was getting on their nerves ealier that day.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF WHEN YOUR FRIENDS CAME OVER YOUR BIG BROTHER KEPT BUGGING YOU AND YOUR FRIEND AND WOULDN'T LET YOU HAVE FUN?

He starts to tell me how he didn't do anything for the teenagers to be upset with him, and they are boring anyways, and he didn't really want to hang out with them... yadda yadda... 

I'm still sort of just half listening, because at this point I know he's tired and he's whining just for the sake of whining. Until he says, "And besides, you never let us do anything dangerous." And he's seriously upset about this.

I'm like... WHAT? He repeats himself. hmmmmmm

OK WELL WHAT KIND OF DANGEROUS STUFF WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THAT MOMMY DOESN'T LET YOU DO?

Never mind.

NOOOOOOOO TELL ME.

Nah  You're a grown up. You're boring. This is kid stuff. You wouldn't understand.

I realize this is one of those moments where I need to actually take the time to get to the bottom of it. what dangerous things does my child want to do? And do I need to keep a closer eye on him? It's very important to me that I know.

I stopped what I was doing and sat by him and hugged him and asked him to please tell me what he was talking about, and I promise I would try to understand.

So that's when he lays it on me. He recently went to McDonald's and in his Happy Meal he found a treasure map. He would like to buy a Pirate's Ship, and go sailing accross the ocean in search of said treasure. But he just KNOWS that I would never let him do this, since he's just a kid. And I'm an overprotective, boring mom. And I just don't understand.

But I secretly get the feeling he loves me inspite of it.

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It's been a very exhausting day. I've been busy cleaning all the stuff I  avoided all weekend. You know, bathrooms, closets, laundry, etc. Getting the kids to clean their rooms is a chore itself. I am TIRED. So finally, I decide to rest a little. I poor myself some koolaid and sit down, ready to read a book. Ok, it was a beer but for the sake of the story we'll say it was koolaid, ok? 

So anyways, my 7year old decides he wants to cuddle. I put the book down, take off my shoes. And ewwwwwwwwwww! MY FEET STINK!  Ok maybe it's not my feet. Maybe it's these 20 year old pair of shoes I have on. Why is it that I just don't have it in me to get rid of them? They are ugly, they are worn, they hurt my freaken feet. And yet... I hang on to them? AND now they are making my feet stink. 

Before you say it.. NO I don't have athletes feet. They didn't stink YESTERDAY. They only stink today. It's the damn shoes. Maybe the shoes have athletes feet, I'll give you that. Do you think if I spray them with fungus spray they will stop stinking?

My mom heard once that peeing on your feet will cure athletes foot. Should I pee on my shoes?

She also heard that if you put about a cap of bleach in some water and soak your feet, that will cure athletes foot. She even did it once, and it worked instantly. Then her husband tried it and burned his feet badly. He had to go to the hospital and everything. True story, I can't make this shit up.  Turns out she thought he meant  a BOTTLE of bleach. That goes to show men just PRETEND to listen, but they really don't. hahahah Just kidding. But not really.

Should I clean my stinky shoes with bleach? Should I use the whole bottle, or just a cap full? I mean, if I ruin them.... would that really be a bad thing?

I just don't have the heart to get rid of my old, ugly, worn, stinky shoes. HEY shoes have feelings too, you know. And they have been there for me through thick and thin. Literally. What's a girl to do?

Anyways, just when I forget about the smell, my son tells me, "Ewww mommy, you have hairy arms." And he yanks one out.

Great. I have stinky feet and man arms. :) hahahaha 

Oh well. Thank goodness I'd waxed my Mexican mom mustache the day before. I'm ready for cuddling! Maybe I'll wax my arms for next time? Nah. I can deal with man arms. I just can't deal with stinky feet.