A blog about Personal Journals, Kern County, and Arts & Entertainment.
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I am a big wuss when it comes to scary movies. I don’t enjoy them. I have never understood how scaring the hell out oneself can be considered pleasurable? I tense up. My heart beats fast. I feel like I can’t breathe. My neck hurts, and I get a headache from being so tense. How is that fun? But my husband LOVES them. So one date night, a long, looong time ago… we compromised. I would watch a scary movie with him, only if he watched a chick flick with me.
Well, I couldn’t get through it. I freaked out and decided, “you go ahead and finished the movie, and I’ll go take a long hot shower to calm my nerves.”
I was afraid to be upstairs by myself but I didn't want to admit it to him. I took a deep breath and started walking slowly. I could feel someone’s presence lurking in the shadows. I started imagining somebody following me. My mind started playing tricks on me. I could feel evil breathing over me. Every corner in the house was an opportunity for someone to attack. I kept telling myself it was all in my mind. And my husband was there to protect me. I had nothing to worry about, right? And still, I couldn’t shake the feeling.
Once I was in the shower, that eerie feeling did NOT go away. In fact, it got worse. I felt someone staring at me, so I freaked out.
"Dammit, Norma, it's all in your head. Stop it," I thought to myself.
I had shampoo in my eyes, so I couldn't open them for a bit to verify. Of course, that freaked me out even more. When I finally washed the shampoo out I opened my eyes, and there was my husband... staring at me in this evil looking stare. I screamed!
Then I started crying and crying and crying and I couldn't stop. He felt so bad. Sorta... in between his laughter he felt bad. He couldn't stop laughing. The more he laughed the more I cried. The more I cried, the more he laughed. I finished my shower and got dressed. All the while I’m still bawling. Or like Oprah Winfrey calls it, I was “crying ugly”.
He’s only made me cry like that one other time which I will be writing about soon. But for now, have you ever played a prank on someone and it went horribly wrong? Or has someone played a joke on you and you didn’t take it very well? Please share your experiences here.
My last article that N.L. Belardes featured on his blog Paperback Writer about the Tav Cam Adventures and the girl on drugs who was arrested prompted further discussions between my friends and I via email. We started sharing our own experiences and “wake up calls” and so I’m sharing mine right now. It’s not as bad as the drug thing, but it sure woke me up about drinking and driving.
I had finished my evening shift as a waitress at Mossman’s Restaurant on Buck Owens Blvd (way before it was called Buck Owens Blvd.) There was a country bar attached to the building where my friend was a bartender. That particular night I promised her a ride home. My shift ended before hers, so I decided to wait around while having a few beers.
On our way to take her home I see the dreaded lights asking me to pull over so I do .
The officer walks over to my car and says, “I’m an officer with power…bow down to me! ” OK so he didn’t really say that but don’t most officers seem to have a “bow down to me” sort of stride?
With his notepad in hand, he leans his head down and says in his very man-with-authority voice, “The reason I pulled you over is because you were swerving. Have you been drinking tonight?”
Of course I immediately freaked out! I stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t know what to say. I could feel the tears start to fill my eyes and I was sure I was going to start bawling like a scared little baby.
I had beer breath. There was no denying it. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and scared to death. What do I do? What do I say? Do I lie? Do I tell the truth? Do I try to make a run for it? Nah, my little four cylinder Hyundai S-Coupe was no match for this guy. He could probably skip faster than my cute little wind-up car.
Finally, I took a deep breath and decided to be as honest as possible without really ratting myself out and said, “Well, I did have a beer (meaning three) at the bar after work. But that was about 2 hours ago (meaning just a few minutes ago). And now I’m on my way home (meaning after I dropped my friend off.) There! I was quite happy with my answer. I looked at him to see if he bought any of it.
Of course having confessed to the drinking he wasn’t about to just let me go. Or perhaps because I had been swerving? Either way, he explains to me that he was going to have to give me some tests to make sure I wasn’t over the limit. So he says, “Follow this pen with your eyes, without moving your head.”
I could feel my heart racing a million beats per minute. My face feels flushed and suddenly my hands felt extremely clammy. I freaked out!
“Please calm down Norma , please don’t cry,” I think to myself while taking deep breaths. Then I realized cars are driving by witnessing my humiliation.
Suddenly, instead of crying I start giggling and couldn’t stop. I started saying between laughter, “Oh my goooooooooosh, officer I am so embarrassed. I am sooooo not that girl.” Still laughing, I say, “ I am not the drunk driving girl. I am not the girl that gets in trouble with the law. How embarrassing! I am just a single mom of two kids that rarely goes out, and in fact only stayed after work today to have just ONE beer (*coughLIE cough) because my friend needed a ride home and her shift ends after mine.”
He doesn’t believe me. He is standing there watching me laugh with a serene look on his face, motionless and completely not finding the humor in the situation. I can’t say I blame him. He moves the pen, right to left and I’m still giggling like a little school girl.
I say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just can’t stop laughing. This is so embarrassing! Oh my God, eeeeek! I can’t believe I’m getting the drunk test.” I try to stop my silly immature giggling but I just can’t..
He forgives my laughter, but isn’t letting up on the tests. He slowly moves the pen again. His face is now concentrating on my eyes. I can tell he means business. I’m sure he’s very annoyed at me and I start to panic. I try very hard to follow it… while giggling.
“Hold still Norma , follow the stinkin’ pen with your eyes. Don’t move your head. And for God’s sake, STOP LAUGHING,” I think to myself.
Once again… I moved my head. I say, “I’m sorry I’m sorry.. give me one more chance! Just one more! I swear I’ll get it this time.”
He moves the pen again.
I shriek and say, “Oh my gooooooosh, I can just see the headlines now with my ugly assed mug shot in the paper!” Then I “pretend pose” for my mug shot.
So now he finally lets up and starts laughing. I said, “I’m just nervous. You’re making me nervous. I can do this, I promise! But first do you mind if I go across the street to go pee. I really gotta go. Please?”
He says, “Let’s try another test.” So he makes me do the walk in a straight line test. “Heel, toe, heel toe” he says. But I have to pee so bad that I’m crossing my legs and laughing trying not pee and I’m saying, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,! I’m gonna pee my pants.” We both start laughing. “I am so embarrassed. Officer, I swear I’m not drunk. You can even do the breathalyzer on me if you want. The reason I was probably swerving is because I am driving with my tiny spare tire on, and so the car pulls really bad to the right.”
This was totally true!
He looks at my spare tire, laughs with me. And says, “OK, well I’m gonna let you go. But you better go straight home.”
I say, “Yes, officer, thank you so much. I will.”
I know how differently that story could have turned out and I feel very fortunate that it didn't. Does anybody else have similar wake up calls or funny/crazy stories about getting pulled over and given a second chance?
news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070117/ap_on_re_us/brf_wate r_intoxication The hosts of Sacramento's KDND-FM's "Morning Rave" were fired after one of their contests killed a contestant who was trying to win a Nintendo Wii. The contest involved drinking as much water as they could without going to the bathroom. You know, I had read an article a long time ago about how TOO much water can cause brain swelling but I'd never heard of anyone actually dying from it. I chalked it up to one of those dumb studies that our money gets wasted on. Saturday morning I was a woman on a mission. I had a big bag of oranges and tons of orange cookies to make. My oven is broken so the baking was going to happen in Bakersfield, at my sister, the Raven’s house. I woke up the kids and while they got dressed I made my daughter and me a “café con leche”, got my baking supplies ready and loaded them up in the car. Then we were off!
Twenty minutes later while driving on Hwy 65 we hear a loud “POP.” I look at my windshield. Sure enough there it was… the dreaded dime shaped spider webbed crack. DAMMIT!
“Oh my God, mom, what happened?" Kristel asked in obvious disbelief.
“We just got hit by a rock.” I said calmly.
“Our windshield is cracked! WHAT? HOW? What are we going to do? That’s gonna take a lot of money to replace it hu?” she asked, still panicked at the sight of the crack.
“Hopefully they can just repair it" I replied. I called the Raven and asked her to find me a windshield repair place that opened on Saturdays. I didn't want to wait until Monday in case it spread.
The calmness in my voiced reassured my daughter that it wasn’t a big deal as long as it was handled promptly. We continued on Hwy 65 without any more worries. Her listening to her iPod, and me in deep thought.
I started to think about the last time I had something come at me like that and causing similar damage. It was back in 1996. I was living in McFarland and working in Porterville. I was driving along, lost in thought, enjoying nature and the innocence of life surrounding me. I was admiring the different type of birds on the side of the road, some in groups, circling each other as if they were innocent little kids playing their childhood games.
Then BAAAAAAAAAAAM. One of the birds hit my windshield head on. He looked right at me, it’s beak bent, it's little face tightly compressed up against my windshield. It was as if life slowly drained out of it right before my very eyes. I screamed. And I cried. It looked at me with it's beady little eyes as if saying, “Why? Why did you kill me? Murderer!”
It finally slid down the windshield and rolled off with a few thumps, leaving behind a small crack on the windshield in remembrance of my actions.
"Oh my God!" I thought, "my first animal murder."
Sadness overwhelmed me as I thought about it's baby birdies calmly awaiting the return of their mamma who was out getting food for them.
Tears streamed down my face blurring my vision. I no longer saw the wonder of nature. I no longer saw the rows and rows of the majestic agricultural life. I no longer noticed the birds playing their games, circling, full of joy and life and innocence. I just saw death. It grabbed a hold of me, choking me until I couldn’t breathe. I cried inconsolably the rest of the way. I couldn't shake off the feeling of being a birdy murderer.
I managed to get through the day and only cried a few more times while confessing my murder to my coworkers. They couldn’t understand what the big deal was. It wasn’t my fault they said. They reminded me that the bird ran into me, not the other way around. It didn’t make it less painful. I killed nature and it weighed heavy in my heart. All this changed the next morning as I woke up and my WHOLE WINDSHIELD was cracked. The small dime sized blemish had spread like wildfire! Stupid ass frikkin' bird! Shit! Damn! #$#&* What the hell was it thinking running into me like that? Why couldn't it have committed it's birdy suicide elsewhere? Jerk ass mothacracker! Suddenly all the pain and guilt disappeared and was replaced by anger. His eyes no longer screamed out, "MURDERER!" Instead, they taunted me. That bird knew what it was doing to me and it was laughing at me, even after death. Thinking back, it probably wasn't even a momma bird. It was probably a rebel teenage bird playing chicken with it's other stupid teenage rebel bird friends. They probably dared him to fly towards me and then veer off at the last minute. A teenage birdy tragedy that cost it's life, and me $500. I did learn one thing, however... a cracked windshield can't wait. You have to repair them as soon as possible. So this past Saturday, I did just that.
One of my very good friends lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So as soon I heard (yes, I didn't already know...) that President Ford was from there, I immediately called her and asked her if she was going to the funeral. And if she was .. could she please share the experience with me. So she did. It's a bit long. But really "takes you there". I Hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Although I was only four years old when Gerald R. Ford became President of the United States and don't remember any of it, I couldn't help but watch the events on TV. ... I had not known the man, but somehow felt the West Michigan connection to him as so many thousands around here did also. And I was so proud. He reminded me so much of my grandfather who had passed away several years ago. And it made me miss him. His work ethic, his commitment to God, his boyhood in Grand Rapids, his love of dogs, his golf game (although my grandpa may have been a little better!), his love for his wife and children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren. Not to mention he was such a strikingly handsome young man! My grandpa even met him once, shaking his hand. I believe they even lived on the same street at one point...Union Street. "On Eagle's Wings" was sung at his funeral in Grand Rapids just as it was song at my Grandfather's funeral. I might also mention that "Shall We Gather at the River" which was sung at the service at the Ford Museum was song at my Grandmother's burial service. Two things I heard repeated over and over about Gerald R. Ford that will always stay with me. First, were his three rules in life: 1) Never tell a lie, 2) Work hard, and 3) Never be late for dinner. Can you imagine the world if everyone lived be these three rules? No betrayal, no unhappy bosses, and more importantly..no unhappy wives! Second, was in his acceptance speech for President (I believe). He said, "I am indebted to no man, but only to one woman". He not only loved his wife, Betty. He adored her. We all want to be loved, but how much more do we want to be adored. Adored is a powerful word. My heart goes out to her as she has lost the love of her life. She was lucky, she was loved AND adored. Now, back to when President Ford and his family arrived at the Gerald R. Ford International Airport in Grand Rapids. When I should have been folding laundry or cleaning, I found myself glued to the television unable to move. The University of Michigan marching band was there to greet the family (along with dignitaries and all that) and as the casket was taken from Air Force One, Hail to the Chief was played. Another number was played followed by the Michigan fight song, Hail to the Victors. It was a President Ford had wanted. Knowing this, it brought tears to my eyes. The motorcade route was lined with thousands of people as it made it way to the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Musuem in downtown Grand Rapids. President Ford began laying in repose around 7:00 p.m. By 9:00 p.m. it was approximately an 8 hour wait with about 40,000 people waiting in line. I so badly wanted to head downtown (only 10 minutes from where I live) but decided to wait until tommorow).
When I turned on the news at 6 AM, there was still an hour wait and crowds were steadily increasing. I'm a small-town girl, big crowds were not my thing. By 10:00 they closed down the lines and at noon the visitation was over. An estimated 57,000 people came to pay their respects over a 17 hour time period...more than triple that turned out in Washington D.C. Grand Rapids was definately proud of their hometown hero, their "favorite son" had been warmly welcomed home despite the cold temperatures. Wednesday was a new day here in Grand Rapids. A beautiful day. Clear blue skies...something we had not seen in weeks! Temperatures were expected to be in the 40's, no snow in sight. Very unusual for the first week in January when it is usually the coldest time of the year. People once again came out in the thousands to once again catch a glimpse of the motorcade as it made it's way from the museum to the church in East Grand Rapids for the final funeral and then back to the musuem for the burial service. The intermit would then be followed by a 21 gun salute and a 21 plane flyover with a missing man formation. I didn't want to miss this. I once again watched the days events on television.
I have to add that the funeral service was very moving. I loved it when former-President Jimmy Carter was saying how much he and the Ford's had in common. He pointed out that they both had three sons and then after MUCH prayer {long pause, followed by laughter}, their prayers were answered and they each had a girl. One of the brothers nudged Sara in the pew and there were smiles by Mrs. Ford and the four children. Another touching moment was when the cameras zoomed in on a U of M stadium blanket draped over the pew in memory of Bo Schembechler. If you didn't know, Bo Schembechler (former coach of U of M) was asked by President Ford to be a pall bearer) but passed away last Fall. Things were running about an hour behind so I knew that when my two young girls (9 and 6) got home from school, I would have time to go find a spot to secure our place in history. I wanted to be able to say, "I was there", and for my girls to say "I saw that". We perched ourselves in a prime location. The anticipation was more than I expected and I found myself overcome with emotion, something I really didn't expect. All of a sudden, black cars zoomed by at a fast pace. We learned this was the motorcade carrying Vice President Dick Cheney. An ambulance is always in his motorcade. I jokingly asked if this was in case he accidently shot HIMSELF! haha. Ok, not funny. Anyways, off in the distance I could see the flashing of lights. The crowds became very still and quiet. Then, a few police cars followed by a few black SUV's. And then it was upon us...the black hearse carrying President Ford's casket.
Inside I could see the American flag covering the casket and the colors of the flag were so vivid. Everyone was pointing and whispering "there he is": boyscouts, grandparents to grandchildren, parents to children, mothers to babies, veterans. People of all age and races came to say goodbye one last time to our hometown President. It didn't matter who you were or what you believed at that moment in time, we were all one. It was an amazing sight to see. It seemed like forever until the rest of the motorcade went by.
And then an eternity until finally the cannons began thundering a 21 gun salute to our President. Smoke filled the air. It was beautiful. The sun was setting over the museum and I could amost feel as if God was saying "well done, my good and faithful servant Gerald R. Ford, well done".
Suddently, the planes began flying over. First one, then four, four more, four more, another four, and the final four. I understand Taps was being played as these planes were flying over and I mentally played it in my head. Tears once again filled my eyes. As one of the planes in the final four broke formation and shot straight up into the sky, you could begin to hear quiet applause in the crowd and some quiet cheers. But mostly it was quiet.
Some people were saluting, some had their right hands over their heart. All this happening with the most spectacular sun setting over Lake Michigan. If you have never seen a Michigan sunset, you don't know what you were missing. It could not have been a more beautiful day and picturesque setting. It pays to know the big Man upstairs and Gerald R. Ford knew Him.
Just as quickly as the planes arrived, they were gone. I began to think that life is alot like those planes. We seem to get so busy with this and that in life but before we know it, it can be gone in an instant. Live life to the fullest, don't sweat the small stuff, love and adore with all you have, and by all means...don't be late for dinner!
I have this little teeny tiny mole on my chin(right under my lips) that hair grows out of so I have to constantly pluck the frucker. Usually, as soon as I see the growth I pluck it so nobody really knows it's there. Other times, I forget and it grows so fast I can't keep up. I said, "OUCH! WHAT THE FRUCK?" He starts laughing and says, "Sorry it was bugging me." Does anybody else have any embarrassing date stories they'd like to share? I went home for lunch today, as I normally do. I had some leftover BBQ ribs from dinner the other night. Of course typical me... I got it all over my face so I wiped my mouth with a napkin. Then I started cleaning around the house and had a full conversation with two of my kids.
On my way to work, I decide the sun is too bright so I grab my sun glasses. For some reason I quickly glanced in the rear view mirror to see how they look. They look exactly the same as the last time I wore them. (what was I expecting to see anyways, right?) EXCEPT for I’m wearing half my damn lunch on my cheeks. What the hell? I can't believe one of my kids said something to me. geez louize!
I wipe. Nothing. I wipe again. Still nothing. I resort to the ol’ saliva trick(ewww). YES! Whooo hooo! BBQ sauce is OFF my cheeks. BUT… now I have no makeup in the areas where I wiped. Damn it. Two white marks on my face. Nice! I look in my purse and thank goodness my powder compact is in there. I apply compact and it covers up my saliva wiped cheeks. YES! Happy New Year to me!
So happy new years to you all, and an inevitable messy new years to me!
Cheers!
~Norma
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