I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it to the Noveltown Review Mixer but at the last minute we found out we could. YES!

I was really excited to and mingle with such talented people and even more excited because my friend Karen Elizabeth was going to be there. It had been a while since we'd hung out. Her and the co-author of Morning Coffee (who flew out from the East Coast to support Noveltown) were going to meet up with me and Mr. Twinkie.

Of course I get there, and things seem a little strange. Right away I knew this wasn't going to be a typical literary mixer. I knew it was going to be so much more than that.

The first people I see and recognize is Aaron Novack(The Silence Club) and his girlfriend Jen AKA Squirrely. At first they seem friendly enough. We made small talk then Mr. Twinkie and I found somewhere to sit. Mr. Twinkie went up to the bar to get me a glass of wine and we were pleasantly surprised to find out it was an open bar. I of course quickly changed my order to five shots of Patron tequila. YES five.

I don't know if it was the tequila but... doesn't this look eerie to you? Like they are conspiring to take over the world or something? VERY SUSPICIOUS!

A few minutes later Sal the Socialist showed up with Marisela, local artist. That's when I realized this was much bigger than I anticipated. This was more than just a literary magazine premiere and these people meant business. A socialist in our midst. This couldn't be a coincidence. It had to be a conspiracy, right?

Here's Sal, Marisela, and co-authors of Morning Coffee, Elizabeth(and)Alan(and I'm pretty sure they are consipiring against me in one way or another.. just look at those smiles! Don't they SCREAM OUT "I've got a secreeeeettttttt~ I'll neveeerrrrrrr tell!" And that little boy's angelic smile doesn't fool me. See him? He's giving out some of sort of secret sign/message:

When I saw Kindra I felt a little bit at ease. And she had Punkin with her, and her superstar daughter (who is featured as a model in the Noveltown Review's first issue)

Here's me and my savior, Kindra! She has a monster in her basement named Igby who protects her. She in turn, protects me! :

Kindra (who should be a writer/author) standing next to Elizabeth(and)Alan, authors of Morning Coffee:

Ricky and Jason from Hectic Films came up to us to talk about their Zombie movie and asked if we'd like to be extras in it. Mr. Twinkie said YES!

I whispered, "Oh sure.. fool him.. but you can't fool me. I KNOW you're up to something."

They tried to explain to me that what I saw earlier was all in my tequila clouded imagination but I told them ... well actually I can't remember what I told them because Jason handed me a glass of red wine. I started drinking it then I don't remember what happened after that.

I'm scared! Save me, honey, from these DANGEROUS DUDES:

Here they are again, posing with Elizabeth(and)Alan:

Here's Jen trying to act normal... but I know it's all an act. Something is going on and she's on it. It's a conspiracy. I just know it. If only I could figure it out! Maybe another drink would help. BARTENDER.....

I asked Jen if I could take a picture of her. She said yes a little too quickly so I knew something must be going on. But WHAT? Little did I know she was saving my life!

 Maybe another free drink might help me think.

See what was actually happening by going to: Paperback Writer, Noveltown's official blog. (scroll down until you see the picture of me, taking a picture of Jen, while she's taking a picture of Ricky's attempted Twinkie-attack.)

Five tequila shots, two glasses of wine, three glasses of beer later I decided I'd had enough. I was gonna get to the bottom of it. "N.L. Belardes," I said, "you'd better tell me what this mixer is really about and you'd better tell me NOW!"

He caught me as I was stumbling down in my drunken clumsiness, then said, "This, my dear Twinkie, is only the beginning of the invasion. Noveltown is here to take over the literary world. We want to find writers. We want to promote them. We want to take over the world. One book at a time. And nobody can stop us. NOBODY. Noboooooodyyyyyyyyyyy. Muahahahahahahaha" Then he slipped off his human, N.L. Belardes mask and his true alien face appeared. It was very scary.

Ok, OK, that actually might have been a nightmare I had that night after too much alcohol. Actually, what he really said was, "Thanks for the support Twinkie." Then he turned to my husband and said, "Nice to meet you Mr. Twinkie!"

And that, my friends, was that.

Well, actually not really. Then I got meet the ever-so-talented Gary from the Dalloways.

I also met for the first time Christopher Taylor of Christopher Taylor Photography:

Here is Christopher Taylor with Elizabeth:

I also met this girl named Lisa who swore I was her new bestest friend ever! Or maybe she said can I have some pizza? She said we should hang out and she'd call me and yaddah yaddah yaddah and could she have a drink of my beer.

I said, yes she could then I told her she'd probably forget all about me in the morning. And she did. Has anybody seen my new BFF? If so tell her it was nice hanging out with her that short while at the Noveltown Mixer and I'm sorry her limo buddies made her leave. She was fun!

She was with THIS GUY... who turns out we used to party together in high school... oops I mean after high school when we were of legal drinking age. Then he did a myspace pose. Me and my new best friend teased him about it.

In all honesty, it really WAS much more than just a party/mixer. It was a room full of people with dreams and the talent to get there. And a man who does everything in his power to help! N.L. Belardes does a lot to support and promote the literary, music, and arts scene and I just want to say thanks for all you do, N.L! I wish you much success in this project and whatever other project you take on!

If you want to preview and/or pick up your own copy of the newly released Noveltown Review,  all you have to do is go HERE for details!

Some of you had been wondering where I've been hiding the past few weeks and well... partly I was just really busy with my kids Little League practices/games.  This year my boys are on two different teams which means baseball LITERALLY every day except Sundays.

Baby Twinkie's team pictured here in their blue "Texas Rangers" shirts during the Porterville opening ceremonies:

Then last week we were in Vegas. But as you can see, now I'm back!

Yes, I know I was just in Vegas a few months ago. But in my opinion you can never get too much of Vegas.

Big "J", Goocher, Cabana Boy, Teen Barbie, Twinkie, Mr. Twinkie, Harley Chick, and Big Daddy pictured here in December for my birthday dinner at PF Changs:

This time around we went with a different group. And we were there for entirely different reasons.  All work, no play!

We had a very important SUPER DUPER top secret  Superheroes convention which I'm only sharing with you guys because I trust you! You CAN keep a secret right? YES... my friends and I are Superheroes working closely with the C.I.A. and FBI. Our mission this trip? To test all the alcohol in Las Vegas to make sure it wasn't poisoned.

Most of the guys including Mr. Twinkie drove out Wednesday, to set up all our super dangerous weapons and to scope our secret lair to make sure it hadn't been compromised. They were kind enough to scope out all the card tables and even "pretended" to gamble a bit so as to not arise suspicion. 

Ok so the truth is they couldn't wait to get there so they left a day early to drink and gamble the night away without us wives nagging at them that they were spending too much time gambling and not enough time telling us how beautiful we looked and buying us drinks.

Some of the girls flew there Thursday evening. Two other girls were stuck back at home finishing a very important super secret mission. The only thing I can share about that mission without having to kill you is that the weapon of choice was a #2 pencil, and lots and lots of multiple choice coded questions which if were solved could very possibly cure cancer, end world hunger and save the world. So they flew out Friday afternoon. 

Ok Ok... one of our friends is a teacher and they were doing some state testing with the kids that day.

I drove out Thursday at noon with Cabana Boy and Teen Barbie. The drive started out pretty eventful. It started in Bakersfield when Cabana Boy was getting on the HWY 58/Stockdale onramp.  We were quickly spotted by one of our Canadian nemesis, Semi Truck. Cabana Boy quickly decides he's going to have to lose him... and FAST! We threw grenades out of the windows, accidentally hitting an old lady in a Ford Pinto. It immediately caught on fire. We also hit a preacher and nun in a 17 passenger van full of orphans on their way to a free health clinic. BUT we finally managed to hit Semi Truck and thus escaped unharmed.

Ok what actually happened is that CB was on the lane that merges and turns into one lane to get onto the 58. Nobody was letting him.. bastards... The lane was ending.. so he had try to cut FAST.. he actually had no choice! so anyways.. He tries to cut in front of this Semi Truck but the semi truck had other ideas. The truck driver basically RUNS US OFF THE ROAD! Bully bastard.It was so scary. Luckily that on ramp connected with another on ramp and there were no cars on it so we went over a makeshift divider(running over those plastic cone thingies) and used that lane to drive on until someone let us on the damn ramp/freeway.  

See here? This is us, finally excited!

Don't be jealous of my MAS Magazine hat and shirt! woot woot!

We get to the hotel, I catch up with my honeyboo. We get dressed to go out to a casual dinner. Mr. Twinkie actually had spotted a brewery off the strip on his way from Boulder Station (which is where him and his friends were staying) to the Rio. So that's where we went. We were so happy to finally see each other. See here?: it's us being happy to see each other.

I was really excited to go to this brewery since I love beer, but I especially LOVE ice COLD beer. I ordered a Hefenweinzen with lemon. It tasted like they had already given it a splash of orange (YUCK too sweet for my taste) AND it wasn't ice cold. I was bitter.

See here: this is my fake "No, don't worry my beer is fine" smile!

On the way back to the room we saw Prince and so of course we stopped and chit chatted for a while then he asked for his usual kiss on the cheek. He's funny like that. One time I forgot to kiss him and he didn't talk to me for years. We barely made up during his superbowl performance.

Here we are last week kissing Prince:

The pool was closed the next day because of bad weather, but we really wanted to at least check it out. We'd seen this cabana looking things the day before and we thought it would be fun to take some pictures in it.

On the way down, Cabana Boy informs us that we should take the day to go shopping. He really wants to buy a pair of WHITE CAPRIS. For HIMSELF. ha.  We of course teast him to no end. White capris? ummmm no, I don't think so. In Porterville? And your name is (insert his real name here)? Ummm NO! In Hollywood? And your name is Matthew McCoughnehey? YES. After that he became our Cabana Boy in the white capris. Because I told him another place where they would be acceptable was a tropical Island of some sort. Serve us a drink, Cabana Boy!

You've worked really hard today, Cabana boy, go ahead and take a nap.

The free show in the Rio... let me ask you something...  Is it just me or do those people look MISEREABLE everytime they perform?

*she throws some beads out to the crowd then thinks to herself, "OH GOD, I don't get paid enough for this shit. I'd rather be working at the Crazy Horse" (one of the less "classy" strip bars in Vegas. Don't even ask how I know that. If I tell you I'll have to kill you!)

Later that night we had decided to go to the new club at the Palms, Club Moon, which connects to the Playboy Club. We walk in excited as can be. As we're walking in trying to figure out which way to go, a HOT tall blonde chick is walking our way with some dude. She's wearing a silver glittery top and showing TONS of storebought cleavage. So while we're staring at the cleavage, our friend Nacho Libre looks down for half a second, probably thinking, "what kind of man does it take to satisfy this beauty" Then he exclaims, "Vince Neil, dude!" he extends his hand out as if he just saw a long lost friend. Vince is nice enough to shake his hand, say hi to all of us. Then he's on his merry way. (I think he's a Motley Crue dude, right?)

We didn't take any pictures.. it all happened so fast nobody thought to ask to take his picture. Oh well! Whatever... moving on. After that, I'm not really sure what happened. Some of walked straight to the Ghost Bar line. Others take off for the Playboy Club line. We stayed in the Ghost bar line. Well then somehow someone decides maybe we shouldn't go there, because there was a long line. Plus there is a rumor that the cover charge is $100 per person (turns out that was just if you wanted to skip the line and go to the V.I.P. line)

 Damn! We were so close. Shit! Oh well! While everyone decides what we're gonna do I walk to the nearest bar to get a drink.  I notice a bunch of camera men. Hmmmm what's going on? I look accross the bar.. it's the Real World cast. The cast that filmed their season at the Palms a few years back. Trishell, Steven, Elton, etc.

I call Mr. Twinkie .. he tells everyone. They meet me there. I want to go up and ask if I can take a picture (hahahah) but Mr. Twinkie says, "BABE Please do NOT embarrass me." dammit! Ok fine. I won't be a Real World groupie if it bothers you that much. But then one of the guys walks away from the cameras and walks my way so I stop him real quick and get my shot! If you watch the Real World, this is the dude that was in love with Trishell, but she was too busy being a lush and gettin' it on with everyone else in the house and in Vegas except for him. Trishell also came out on VH1's The Surreal Life and got it on with the guys there too. This dude has come on the Real World/Road Rules Challenges and is one of the "nice guys". A total sweetie!

When all was said an done we ended up at the VooDoo lounge at the very top of the Rio and had a blast dancing the night away. We had a great time.

The next morning Teen Barbie and Cabana Boy inform us that while partying at Club Moon/The Playboy Club they saw Gwen Stefani and her old No Doubt Crew plus enterouge waltz right in after her concert performance to their own V.I.P. section. Then minutes later, Paris Hilton, Nikki Hilton, and her crew walked in as well. Paris was making out with some guy by the end of the night. They didn't know for sure who he was but he looked familiar.

All in all the trip was a blast. It's hard to believe we were just there in December!

I know I usually post funny stuff but this is no joke. March 30th I got a message on my answering machine at home from the principal of my kids school. The message basically said there was an abduction attempt reported off Olive St (in Porterville). Two girls were offered a ride by a guy in a brown car. They refused, then the guy demanded that get in. So they ran to the Police Station and reported it.

The next attempt was just a few days later. (Well it seemed like a few days, it was probably more like a week or so.)

Same thing. Brown car. The kid ran. The third attempt I actually heard about on my way to Las Vegas on Thursday. This particular attempt really hit close to home LITERALLY, if the others already hadn't scared the hell out me. The third attempt was a block from MY neighborhood.

 A BLOCK.

ONE BLOCK.

I called my sister in law who was in charge of my kids while we were vacationing and told her, "Hey this is probably gonna sound like a silly request, because I know you already do... but PLEASE take extra care of my babies while I'm gone. And please make sure they don't walk home. I just got a call about a third attempted abduction. Same guy, same car."

She giggled a little, because my kids are too young to walk home (6 and 7) but then on a serious note she promised me she wouldn't let them walk home and she would take extra care of them.

Now, I just got another call from the school. A fourth attempt. This time it was a  red truck with a white camper shell. Before I thought, "they will find this guy in NO TIME! I mean, come on! The idiot is stupid enough to use the SAME CAR? This will help the police find him, I'm sure, right?"

Now with the car change and it possibly being the same guy, well, he's getting harder to look for. This is getting scarier and scarier by the minute.

**EDITED TO ADD THE OFFICIAL PORTERVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT PRESS RELEASE

PRESS RELEASE



SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY





On March 30, 2007, Porterville Police Department received a report from a female juvenile that while she was walking to school she was contacted by a male subject, driving a brown vehicle, who told her to get into the car. The student ran to Summit Charter Academy and reported this to the school officials.



On April 19, 2007, a report was received from a female juvenile that while walking to school, in the area of Mathew and San Lucia, a male subject in a brown vehicle approached her and told her to get into the vehicle. The student ran to Oak Grove School and reported this incident to school officials.



On April 20, 2007, a report was received from two female juveniles that while walking to school they were approached by a male subject in a brown vehicle asking them if they wanted a ride and when they refused, he told them to get into the vehicle. The students ran to the Tulare County Sheriffʼs Department, Porterville sub-station, and reported this incident. In these incidents the suspect vehicle is described as a 1980-1990ʼs brown Camaro. The subject is described as a possible Hispanic male, medium complexion, and medium build.



On April 23, 2007, the police department received a report from a 15 year-old female, who reported that while walking to school in the area of Olive and Newcomb, she was approached by a Hispanic male subject in a red pickup with a white camper shell with tinted windows on the camper shell. The man told her to get into the vehicle. The student kept walking and the subject drove away. The student reported the incident to school officials.



The Police Department, in conjunction with the Burton and Porterville Unified School Districts, are working together advising student's parents and citizens to be observant of suspicious people and vehicles near the schools and on the routes used by students who walk to school. The Police Department has made this a high priority and is using all available personnel.



The Police Department suggests the following safety tips for parents.

If possible, drive students to school.
If your student walks, make sure they are walking in groups rather than by themselves.
If a student is contacted by someone they do not know, they should run to the nearest safe location (i.e. school, convenience store) and report the incident immediately to the police department.




Chuck McMillan

Chief of Police

I remember when we still lived in Mexico we visited my gramma at the "rancho." Her tiny shack had no plumbing so in the middle of the night if you had to go pee you had to go outside.She had a pig that I thought was actually a monster, so my sister, who is one year older than me but I'm sure was ten times more powerful would go with me, to protect me from this monster.

I remember in the 3rd grade I caught my "boyfriend" Jr. behind the building with this girl named Reah. She was new in town and blonde and beautiful. And she was starting to develop boobies. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting to develop mine... anyways... I told him he shouldn't be back there with her and  she said, "Go away and leave us alone." He laughed. My heart broke.

I remember in Jr High my friend James brought a plastic bag full of flour. But he told everybody it was cocaine. He got sent to the principals office after showing it off one too many times behind the teachers back. He was such a ham like that.

I remember one summer I met this guy at the park. Hot, friendly, and NEW to McFarland. We quickly made friends and we hung out all summer. I sorta had a crush on him, I guess? But we were strictly friends. The first day of school, I quickly found out Lionel had made friends with lots and lotsa girls that summer. ha. Crazy Lionel!

Anybody else have favorite or memorable moments from their childhood  they'd like to share?