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Under their spell

You could say that Dirty Spanglish is the perfect band to write the Harry Potter song, “Hots For Hermione.”

Pop culture influenced? Likely.

“Harry Potter came out when I was in the third grade,” says vocalist/guitarist Landen Belardes.

He’s 15 now, and like the rest of Bakersfield punk band, Dirty Spanglish, was more than ready for the release of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” at Pasadena’s Vromans — the oldest and largest bookstore in Southern California, on Friday, July 20th.

For Dirty Spanglish, the gig was all about Harry Potter fans.

They even brought their new song, “Hots For Hermione” just for all the fanatical book lovers dressed as their favorite black-robed wizards, tie-loving students and one-eyed prestidigitators.

“We wrote it just for the event, for all the book fans,” said Belardes, who’s also a big fan of the Harry Potter books and films.

So what was the book release party like?

Wall-to-wall screaming fans of all ages were dressed in their best Harry Potter-themed garb as representatives from KTTV Fox News 11, KNBC Channel 4, KABC Eyewitness News, the Pasadena Star and myself from ABC 23/Noveltown/Bakotopia were in the Vromans house to watch the excitement build to earth-shattering levels.

There couldn’t have been a better time for a Bakersfield band to hit a scene filled with wild young fans and a media frenzy.

Dirty Spanglish’s latest song is a catchy, Harry Potter pop punk piece that’s part of the new genre of rock called “Wizard Rock” or “Wrock” songs. Believe it or not, there are nearly 200 bands around the world who exclusively sing Harry Potter-themed songs.

Although Dirty Spanglish isn’t a full-fledged “Wrock” band, they don’t feel so bad. The entire genre started off that way — one “Wrock” song by a rock band. I won’t get into details. It gets complicated.

Anyway, Dirty Spanglish has been on a wild media ride lately as a result of their new song. They were mentioned in the L.A. Times story, “Harry Potter, the guest of honor: Booksellers are enlisting Snape debaters, wizard rockers and more to make the launch an event.”

(Emma Watson as Hermione Granger)

I found their “Wrockiness” media attention worthy and wrote a piece for ABC 23 titled, “Local Harry Potter Song ‘Wrocks’: Youth Band Takes Potter Pop Culture to Their School of Rock.”

Their song was even on KTTV Fox news L.A. as can be seen by the cameraman Sean Patrick Lewis filming these two “wrockerettes” wildly dancing to “Hots For Hermione.”

Band members made several attempts at interviews with KABC Channel 4 and L.A.’s Eyewitness News. It made for good schmoozing from these young teenage rockers.

The party was already well underway by the 10 p.m. start of LA kid band, Wild Youth. They’re Disney friendly, with a bit of Alanis Morissette meets Avril Lavigne, mixed with a dash of the 1990s band, the Sundays.

Interesting band connection: Wild Youth’s self-taught keyboardist, Hank is the grandson of Bakersfield music legend, Tommy Collins, one of the fathers of the Bakersfield Sound. Also, the grandfather of Landen Belardes, guitarist/vocalist for Dirty Spanglish, once did a photo shoot of Collins and Buck Owens. A portion of a street in downtown Bakersfield was closed to shoot the cover for Collin’s album, “Callin’.”

Dirty Spanglish headlined and rocked the house with an 11-song set.

Girls and boys danced, although I noticed many wizard girls grooving.

“Hots For Hermione” was off the hook as every Harry Potter fan within earshot energized to frightening, “wizrockish” levels. They performed their Harry Potter-themed song twice.

Dirty Spanglish’s final hurrah was a rousing encore that led right up to the midnight book release frenzy.

While Dirty Spanglish signed autographs, I wandered in the store to capture the historic first purchase.

Hilarious, the girl who bought the book refused to talk to media and ran off, disappearing into the crowd.

(Hermione takes a Corona break)

Outside, Dirty Spanglish talked to young wizards while people literally poured out of the store, some with arms filled with “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”

Note: Harry Potter fans can purchase “Hots For Hermione” on a special collector’s $5 CD that Dirty Spanglish made for the book event, or find the band on the Bakotopia Music Compilation Vol. 1, and hockey compilation: Growing Up Fighting Vol. 1 available all over Bakersfield!

Bakotopia.com/users/dirtyspanglish

*Story originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, issue 7, 7/27/07

Bakotopia Newsletter 9 - 29 - 06

Deep-fried Twinkies are the path to nirvana...

It's the Bakotopia Newsletter!

Sponsored By
STOCKDALE MUSIC
Bakersfield's PREMIER Musician Outlet!
Visit Stockdale Music today!

The Kern County fair came to town last week, and did I eat.....ugh..

I tried not to be too much of a glutton, but I couldn't resist! Deep fried Twinkies, Snickers, turkey legs, tongue tacos and sandwiches, funnel cakes, and big-ass bags of cotton candy. What the?

My friend Bruce overheard me talking about the deep-fried Twinkies, so he surprised me with one. It didn't take long for my girl, Rebekka, to tell me a gross story. It went something like this..

BEWARE!!!
DON'T GO ANY FARTHER IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT EASY!!
Rebekka:
"My friend Julie told me about a lady she knows who got a bad staph infection in her fingers. The ladies fingers swelled up, she lost all of her fingernails, and it started to, uh.....Kinda like that deep-fried Twinkie you're eating, Matt!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still ate it anyway...yummy!!

A familiar site (and I do mean FAMILIAR,) at the KC fair was hypnotist, Mark Yuzik. In the past all shows were held at the Bud Pavilion. Crowds had to switch out seats in between every show, and it was a big cluster f**k! Not anymore, they moved the hypnotist to the "Frontier Stage," shoving local band showcases to the hay bail stage at the back entrance, which kinda blows.

Attention local bands!! Don't count on anything with the KC fair, unless you don't give a s**t! There..You thought it, but I said it!!!

Back to the hypnotist...Mark Yuzik has been doing the same KC fair show for years..."When I rub my forehead, you're going to think you're Pee Wee Herman," or "When I touch my left butt cheek, you're going to think you're Michael Jackson," or something like that...IT'S OLLLLLLDDDDD!!!

I mean, what kid in this generation knows who Pee Wee Herman is ? Or even less..Michael Jackson, who looks nothing like a human being now? Change your act Mark!!!

Okay, I admit, Mark Yuzik has changed some of his act, but it's pretty much the same. If you want to continue enjoying the hypnotist, take someone who's never seen the show before. They'll make you laugh more than the hypnotist with their reactions.

Did I forget to tell you I saw you "Pumpkin" from VH1's Flavor of Love at the fair? Lol!!!

The KC Fair ends this weekend, so get your righteous (and / or slightly gross,) grub on, and bungy jump it out of your system!

Back to the good shtuff!!

BAKOTOPIA GOT FREE TICKETS TO TWO GREAT SHOWS!
ENTER NOW!!!
(click on either picture below to be taken to the contest page!)

Jagermeister Tour with Slightly Stoopid & Pepper at the Fox, on Friday 10/20/06!

Kottomouth Kings at The Dome, on Friday, 10/27/06!

Bako celebrity sighting!! Read and Hear the interview!
Desperate Housewives' Eva Longoria visits Bakotopia on 9/22!

It's a LA vs Bako rock n' roll rumble!
Wax Apples & The Dives LIVE AT Sandrini's LIVE PIX!

3 Bad Jacks, Fatt Katt & Wolftones hit the Nile TONITE!

The Blogelist has a hit blog post! Is Starbucks of the devil?

Matildakay finds a bond girl slangin' pie at Marie's?

Theatreaddict gives you enough links to last a lifetime!

Maequeen's got a ghastly ghostly drinkee!

Venezuelan rockers bring back the funk!

New Bakotunes Podcast!

EVA LONGORIA, EPISODE 39!

WAX APPLES, EPISODE 40 (SPECIAL 2 PART INTERVIEW!)

Don't forget to comment on what Bakotopia means to you, for an upcoming article for NAA (Newspaper Association of America!)

THANK YOU TO ALL BAKOTOPIANS EVERYWHERE FOR HELPING US KICK SO MUCH ARSE! CHEERS!!

SPREAD THE WORD! BAKOTOPIA IS FREE ALL THE TIME, ANYTIME, ANY PLACE!

WANNA BE A BAKOTOPIA PARTNER? E-MAIL ME TO FIND OUT HOW...

EVENTS, PROMOTION, CLASSIFIEDS, MUSIC, BAKERSFIELD BANDS, PICTURES, CRAZINESS! 600,000 views a month!!

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Matt

The Komplete Bakotopia KORN Kronicles

THE

KRONICLES

(The band's first B&W promo glossy)

VIDEO 1:
<<RARE video fo KORN's second performance ever in Bakersfield 10/18/93!

VIDEO 2:
<<RARER video of pre-KORN band, L.A.P.D., featuring, Munky, Fieldy, and David Silveria!

CHECK OUT THE LINKS BELOW FOR ALL THE KOOL KORN KOPY!
EXCLUSIVE KOOLNESS YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE!
BAKOTOPIA 2007 interview with James 'Munky' Shaffer!

Bakotunes Music Podcast Episode 55 with Munky! LISTEN!

Bakotopia Magazine issue 9, 9-24-07! LIMIT EDITION KORN KOLLECTABLE! OUT OF PRINT!

LIVE PICS FROM THE FAMILY VALUES TOUR IN BAKERSFIELD!
8/29/07!

World's Biggest KORN Fans!
Melissa O'Neal Erica Gonzales
AND
The KORN Factor with KRAB Radio's, Danny Spanks!

Lesson's Learned: KORN's guitar teacher, JR Goldman!

Bam Bam's Big Fun: KORN's first Bakersfield show in 93!
CHECK OUT RARE VIDEO OF THE SHOW!

KORN Saved My Life: A fan's testimony!

Top 10 Reasons To See KORN in Bakersfield!

KORN OFFICAL WEBSITE

Tattoo Tales

Tattoo Tales
Expressing yourself with ink in Bako is more popular than ever.

WoofWoof: “This is my family tattoo. My mom passed away Sept. 11, 2001 and I wanted something special with her and my sons. Manakin Tattoo’s Josh Hibbard did the work.
“It’s a Libra sign that represents me. The water sign is my mother, and my sons are on the scales. I also have my element of fire on there which also represents my sons and the air pushing the fire up. It took two sittings of five hours each and one touch up. Yes, I get weird looks but that’s OK. I didn’t do it for others. I did it for me. My sons were both with me and it just made it that more meaningful to me. People shouldn’t judge you for your tattoos - BUT they do.”

AltPinUp: “I have stars tattooed on my lower back and each one is for each special friend or family member who has passed in the last few years. I always have guys telling me, ‘Oh baby, you got me seeing stars,’ and things of that nature. I guess you could say I dress to show off my tattoo. I’m not big with latest trends, but I shop at many the local shops and thrift stores in town.”

Tatdude:“My Bettie Page nurse tattoo on my arm represents the fight against breast cancer, which is inspired by the Healing Art Foundation. The tattoo includes an awareness ribbon for Tats for a Cure. Since tattoos are a great way of healing the heart, mind and soul, I wear my heart and art on my sleeve.”

DeadSexyTattoo: “I had the pleasure of collecting a portrait from one of my inspirations of the industry, tattoo artist Nate Beavers. I knew he’d be the artist who could immortalize my loving pet - ‘Chickie.’ She had to be left behind in Michigan, but is forever in my heart and is now on my skin. I chose the left side of my neck so I could share my body art with the world!”

TATTOO TALES II
(CLICK TAT BELOW TO READ)

What’s the story behind your tattoo? Post them on www.bakotopia.com, to be used for an ongoing series in Bakotopia Magazine!

*Originally Printed in Bakotopia Magazine, Issue 11, 9 - 21 - 07

LIVE at Bakersfield Calendar Girls 2007 unveiling!

<<Check out the pics and the music!

12-20-06, Capistrano's Restaurant, downtown Bakersfield.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE?

Bakersfield’s latest batch of beauties — including the reigning Miss Bakersfield — gathered downtown Wednesday night, to celebrate the latest edition of Valdophye Photography’s “Bakersfield Girls” Calendar for 2007.

On Dec. 20, an estimated 150 people waited eagerly inside downtown’s Capistrano’s restaurant, which played host to the calendar’s unveiling.

“This town has changed since years ago,” said Valdophye Photography owner, Eliseo Valdovinos, who started the “Bakersfield Girls” project in 1999 as a way to promote his business and show his artistic diversity.

The first edition of the calendar was released in 1999 to mixed reviews, attracting much attention from the local media that, at times, portrayed the calendar as “pornographic.” Valdovinos remembers one TV report in particular, where viewers were asked to “have their children leave the room, so kids don’t see the naked ladies,” he said.

Valdovinos knew that type of reaction was inevitable, but it didn’t deter him from finishing the annual project, which has only missed two years of publication for the 2004 and 2006 editions.

“When I told people I was going to try doing a local girls calendar, people told me I was going to kill my career, but I like taking chances,” said Valdovinos.

Originally using grainy black-and-white photography during its first few years of printing, the Bakersfield Girls calendar now uses full-color, higher-quality photo finishing for a more polished look, similar to photos found in popular men’s magazines like Maxim, and FHM.

So what does it take to be a “Bakersfield Girl” calendar model?

“I find the models by scouting local areas and word-of-mouth,” said Valdovinos, adding, “All of the models live in Bakersfield.”

With all the ballyhoo being made in the media lately regarding the current Miss USA, Tara Conner — who recently raised eyebrows for inappropriate behavior, but has since been given a “second chance,” by Miss USA Organization owner, Donald Trump; and now Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped Thursday of her title because of racy photos of her posted on the Internet — one model in particular chose to keep a low-profile during the Wednesday night unveiling at Capistrano’s.

Confirmed by pageant officials, calendar model Tiffany Allen, 20, was officially crowned Miss Bakersfield 2007 on Dec. 2, after winning in her division. The Bakersfield pageant is actually three pageants in one: Teen, Miss, and Mrs. Bakersfield. Each contestant competes within their respective age group, and are judged and awarded according to their pageant organization’s rules and regulations.

Gayle Tape, executive director of the Miss Bakersfield pageant for the past 14 years, herself a former Miss California 1974, and runner-up in the Miss USA pageant for the same year, is aware of Allen’s photos in the Bakersfield Girls 2007 calendar.

“We ask that our girls be of good moral character,” said Tape about guidelines for those vying to be Miss Bakersfield, “I guess I’ll have to spell it out.”

Like the Miss USA pageant, nude modeling or behavior deemed “inappropriate” according to pageant rules, are grounds for title removal in the Bakersfield pageant.

However, in the case of The Bakersfield Girls calendar, Allen will not receive any repercussions for her calendar modeling, as provocative as it may seem. The calendar pictures are not nudes.

Also, the Bakersfield Girls photo shoot was held prior to the Miss Bakersfield pageant, and according to the Miss Bakersfield organization, Allen broke no rules, but on a state and national level, she may not be so lucky, if she chooses to continue competing.

Tape has not seen the calendar, but stands behind Allen as the city’s winner.

“Tiffany won fairly,” said Tape, “And that’s my stand as a director. You need to be explicit with your rules, and next year, we will be making revisions.”

Allen could not be reached for comment.

Appearing excited and nervous before the unveiling and autograph-signing session for fans, four of the five calendar models huddled closely together to answer questions and greet fans.

Shooting for four days in Rosarito, Mexico, the girls made the most out of making mischief across the border. Knowing the history of the area, they were sure to draw immediate attention. But just how crazy can five beautiful, young girls get in a small Baja town, where the legal drinking age is 18?

Heather Rawlins, 18, and Melody Dare, 20 — two of the calendar’s models — giggle uncontrollably as they describe being pulled over by the local police twice within five minutes of each other, after leaving a promotional appearance in another local bar.

Both times, the girls said they had to pay a fine; the second stop also included an impromptu autograph session for the Mexican police.

“We had a designated driver, and he accidentally ran two stop signs that no one could see,” Valdovinos said, “It’s not easy to see traffic signs in Mexico. The first time we were pulled over, we had to pay a cop $200, a few minutes down the street, we were pulled over again. The first cop and the second knew what we had paid the first time, so we had to pay the same amount again, and the girls signed autographs.”

Model Spencer Surrat, 18, laughingly shares the crazy Mexico experience she shared with another one of the girls. But like a wild trip to Vegas, what happens at the border is probably better left at the border.

“We were given free drinks to take off our panties and place them on the bar,” said Surrat of a Mexico tourist party rite at Rosarito’s Macho Taco bar — known for its collection of partygoer lingerie — in exchange for free drinks.

“But we didn’t expose ourselves,” said Surrat, who didn’t give specific names as to who went pantiless at the bar.

Rawlins was joined at the calendar unveiling event by her mother, Sheila Rich, who showed nothing less than full support for her daughter’s pictorial.

“Heather’s my only child, I’m very excited” said Rich with a smile. “She’s gorgeous, and she’s always wanted to do modeling and acting. With this, she’s going to see if this is what she really wants to continue doing.”

Rich also explained that while modeling is a dream of her daughter’s, the teen was originally slated for a trip to the US Navy after high school.

“Heather was going to enlist in the Navy’s Delayed Entry Program (DEP,)” Rich said. “But after the war got too heavy, we were told she would probably head to the frontline, so she decided not to. It’s just too risky.”

Nervously making her way next to the other three girls, calendar model Soraya Trejo, 21 — who also holds the title as the 2007 calendar’s official cover girl — seems the most unexpectedly shy of the bunch.

Appearing pint-sized next to the other models, Trejo’s irresistible charm is amplified by her smile, complete with braces.

“My younger sister and I wanted to pose for the calendar together,” said Trejo about a planned photo shoot that didn’t work out. “But I ended up posing by myself instead.”

On the cover, Trejo’s innocent beauty is complemented by a set of white angel wings — similar to those worn in Victoria’s Secret lingerie ad campaigns and a noticeable trend in many men’s magazines, where the “good girl angel” / “bad girl angel” idea seems to never lose its appeal.

Valdovinos declined to disclose how much it cost to produce the calendar and who profits from the calendar proceeds; however, interested sponsors can purchase a monthly page, where their business ad will be listed.

Models are often described in the media as temperamental brats vying for the most attention — not according to these Bakersfield beauties.

“We all love each other,” said Surrat, “There were no cat fights.”

As the girls smile, autographing calendars for fans, it’s clear that it’s all about fun, and the enjoyment of one’s youth, not scandal.

Model Rawlins agrees.

“This is all about showing off the beautiful girls of Bakersfield,” she said.

READ MISS BAKERSFIELD'S RESPONSE!
CLICK PICTURE BELOW!

To purchase a copy of the Bakersfield Girls Calender 2007 contact:
Valdophye Photography
1919 Chester Avenue
Bakersfield, CA 93301
(661) 327-2642
Cost: $15.00
Autographed by the models: $80.00
www.valdophye.com

Bakotopia Newsletter 7 - 13 - 07

Next time, don't forget the sunscreen on your belly...

It's the

Newsletter! (Thanks Eric Duhart for the pic!)

It's the annual time of year we all loathe in Bako: The heat is back, and the water isn’t getting cool enough.

What should you do?

Get creative, man!

This past weekend was so hot I actually took a trip to Ventura with my girl, Rebekka, for an overnight escape. We hung out, walked about 3 miles on the beach to get a drink, and watched two strange-looking barflies creep people out for an hour at my favorite coastal watering hole, The Bombay.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

<<SEE HOMETOWN BOYS 'KORN' IN THE STUDIO! NEW CD ALMOST HERE!

Ventura is a nice to place to jet off to on Bako's hottest days. It's only about 90 minutes away, the beaches aren't usually very full, and most importantly… the weather is about 15 degrees cooler than the Central Valley.

If you're unable to leave the city heat due to work, family, or that your piece of crap car won't make it over the Grapevine, then there are, of course, other modes of escapism to stay cool right here in Bako — the TV, stereo, iPod, computer, or even your kid sister's swimming pool on the concrete. Get creative yourself, or let the power of the media do it for you.

A common theme in this week's issue of Bakotopia Magazine is all about escapism, courtesy of some of our local talent: Bakersfield's Brooke “Pumkin” Thompson. Newly signed rockers Lost Ocean, indie movie director Matt Kieley, stage actor Samantha Gonzales, the VANS Warped Tour, and Jason Voorhees (not from Bako, I think, but he is our favorite machete-wielding slasher. It is Friday the 13th, after all, so why not bring him to the party?).

Yes, Bakersfield's talent pool is pretty big. And even though making yourself look silly on a reality TV show like “Flavor of Love” or getting a cool hairdo because the record company said so isn't always something you'd like a brag about, one thing is clear: The escape they provide from some of our daily lives is priceless.

So right now, go plan a cool, lazy afternoon and evening in front of your TV set with the A/C full blast to see the Friday the 13th movie marathon, the Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School marathon and Reunion show, or even better, read the latest issue of Bakotopia over and over while you're on the can with some Lost Ocean on in the background, and a cold beer on the sink! You'll be glad you did, trust me.

Escape, my friend….escape.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SENT PHOTOS FOR THIS WEEK'S SCENE ON THE SEEN SECTION OF BAKOTOPIA MAGAZINE! FIND OUT IF YOUR'S GOT PICKED THIS WEEK! SEND US MORE!

ISSUE 6 IS OUT NOW!
GET YOUR COPY TODAY! SPECIAL FRIDAY THE 13TH ISSUE! BAKERSFIELD'S OWN PUMKIN ON THE COVER! ACTRESS SAMANTHA GONZALES, INDIE DIRECTOR MATT KIELEY, HOW TO SURVIVE FRIDAY THE 13TH! AND ALL KINDS OF SHNIZZLE! CLICK PUMKIN BELOW!

COVER STORY! WITH EXCLUSIVE PIX FROM THE BAKOTOPIA PHOTO SHOOT AT THE NILE BAR & GRILL AND FULL-LENGTH AUDIO INTERVIEW!

FRIDAY THE 13TH IS HERE! HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE?

BAKERSFIELD'S LOST OCEAN BREAKS OUTTA BAKO?

SHOWS, PLAYS, PARTIES...FIND OUT BAKOTOPIALAND EVENTS HERE!

("My darling Clementine...")

Bakotopia bloggers RULE!!! Get yours FREE today! Read the latest voices!

GOT A STORY IDEA FOR BAKOTOPIA? WE WANT YOUR SUGGESTIONS!! DON'T BE SHY....REPLY!!

YO! DON'T FORGET! BAKOTOPIA IS GOING TO SEE 'HAIR' AT THE EMPTY SPACE TOMORROW NIGHT, JULY 13TH! RSVP WITH TWINKIE! PRE-SHOW DRINKAGE AND GIFTS FOR EVERYONE GOING! YAHOOO SERIOUS! CLICK THE PIC BELOW TO GET THE SCOOPAGE!

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT AND FOR MAKING BAKOTOPIA SO FREAKIN' DELICIOUS!

MATT

How to survive FRIDAY THE 13th

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

When I was young I would get so excited to watch the Friday the 13th marathon on the USA network—back when it was still an exceedingly crappy basic cable network (and not just a crappy network without need of qualification). The bad acting, the by-the-book scripts, the gore—always edited out on TV—all this was music to my ears. And 11 movies, nearly 20 hours of viewing pleasure…I still plop down on the couch and enjoy watching any of Friday the 13th movies.

For those of you who do not know the basic plot of the Friday the 13th film series allow me to surmise: it’s about a boy named Jason Voorhees, who drowned in the lake at camp Crystal Lake. 20 years later comes back to the camp, along with the help of his mom, and murders teens in various stages of undress, as well any one else that gets in their way.

Today I will give you list survival tips, on how to survive if you happen to find yourself in a Friday the 13th film. Horror movie fans know that sex and/or (hopefully and) drugs=DEATH. But here are some helpful tips that will insure your survival in a Friday the 13th film.

If you are on the way to Camp Crystal lake, and happen to run into a crazy old man or woman, and they keep rambling on about how the lake is cursed, or you are doomed if you stay there—consider what they have to say. Even though they may smell, have bad teeth, and crazy Phil Spector hair, listen to what they say—they most likely know what they’re talking about. Or you can ignore them, and journey down the road to your own ironic death.

Being alone sucks, but being alone at Camp Crystal lake is essentially a death sentence. If you are alone, don’t walk around in your skivvies, yelling stuff like “Hello? Come on guys…this isn’t funny anymore.” This is basically like saying “Hello, Jason. I am all alone in my underwear. Please slice me in half.” Also, if your friend is missing, or has not come back with the beer, DO NOT INVESTIGATE. You are not the Scooby-Doo Detective Agency. If you do decide to investigate, you will end up hanging upside down from a tree with an arrow in the head.

Anyways, informing your buddy’s mom of his horrible demise takes some finessing, so you should begin work on that, rather than traipsing around in the dark looking for him (or his recently disemboweled cadaver).

Just because your house or cabin does not have any knives, axes, guns, or (Jason’s signature weapon) the machete, does not mean that Jason won’t find a way to kill you. Some of your favorite accessories and ordinary household items can be used for your impending beheading and/or garroting (followed by a beheading). This can include your favorite leather belt, your brand new flying V guitar signed by Don Dokken, a sleeping bag, wine openers, just to name a few instruments o’ destruction. Jason is one inventive killer; he is like the Martha Stewart of the slasher genre. Also, Jason is an excellent marksmen, and can javelin throw an arrow across the lake straight towards a horny teen’s eye or neck.

And now the most important survival tips: how to kill Jason. First, the more creative the plan the better. One way is to try and drown Jason in the river he previously drowned in. That means you will have to some how lure Jason down to the lake, attach some sort of weight to his body, and throw him in the lake. By the way Jason is around 6” 3’. But that shouldn’t stop you since it didn’t stop those teenagers who have succeeded thusly.

(Ay Carumba!)

But the best way to take the guy out is by imitating his mother, wearing her sweater and then uttering some of her catchphrases, such as “kill her mommy”. Or you can take a page from the great Corey Feldman, shave your head, add a dab of black make-up, and convince Jason he is looking in a mirror, scaring the poor bastard. And when he’s down, hack the hell out of him. After you have killed Jason do not sit around pondering what has happened, high-fiving the nearest knucklehead, and then going on a romantic canoe ride by yourself. Because Jason Voorhees never really dies and he will find you.

Hopefully these tips will help you survive your summer vay-cay at Crystal Lake.

If you are not doing anything this Friday the 13th night, crack open an ice cold Newcastle, and watch the Friday the 13th Marathon on AMC. (Forget about the USA Network; they’re dead to me.)

*Originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, Issue 6, 7 - 13 - 07

Rob Zombie 'Bucks' The Industry

Rob Zombie ‘Bucks’ The Industry

(Rob Zombie on the set of Halloween, 2007)

By Matt Muñoz, Bakotopia.com Editor

A glimpse into the mind of Rob Zombie is sure to reveal more than its share of influential figures, not to mention monsters, ghosts, Ozzy, KISS, Buck Owens, and “Hee Haw” ...

Buck Owens? “Hee-Haw?”

“I always loved Buck Owens because that was the one thing I remember as a kid,” said Zombie via telephone from Rapid City, South Dakota, a tourstop on the current Ozzy Osbourne / Rob Zombie ‘Monster 40’ tour.

“I don't remember my dad liking anything, not just music, anything. But he seemed to love Buck Owens’ ‘Hee Haw’ (TV show.) So, we would always watch Buck Owens and Roy Clark. So yes, ‘Hee Haw’ was very influential in my life.”

Coming back to scare the rocks off the Rabobank Arena after eight years on Monday, Nov. 26, with the “Prince of Darkness” himself, Ozzy Osbourne, at 7:30 p.m., Zombie is also out promoting various projects including his first live CD, appropriately titled “Zombie Live.”

“I had been wanting to do this for many years,” said Zombie, 42, of his decision to release a live album. “I recorded a lot of shows over the years. Different things would happen, and I would shelve it. This time everything seemed solid, and I knew it was the best sounding band I’d had. We recorded it last summer.”

Zombie’s career has been anything but “dead” over the past two decades. After a mult-platinum run with his band White Zombie from ’85-’98, the multi-talented solo artist, whose real name is Robert Cummings, has managed to become one of the most recognizable figures in popular music, movies, TV, and comics.

“Everything you do has to be entertaining,” said Zombie of his over-the-top creative nature. “It’s funny the way things start, like you just come up with this crazy idea and then suddenly it becomes a reality - that’s the excitement of it. You’re always thinking about the person who’s going to see it.”

Originally a dread-locked, rocking mad doctor surrounded by a cavalcade of b-movie monsters and demonic temptresses through most of his musical career, Zombie has added “movie director” to his list of occupations.

Directing his own music videos, the jump to the big screen came in 1999, when he directed “House of 1,000 Corpses.” After getting off to a rough start due to problems with distribution and the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America), the film was released in 2003, soon becoming an instant cult-classic.

“Corpses” is the story of a crazy family of deranged killers who victimize those unlucky enough to have their car “suddenly” break down near a roadside attraction starring an evil, fried chicken-cooking clown named “Captain Spaulding.”

The popularity of the film helped to spawn a sequel - 2005’s “The Devil's Rejects,” featuring key cast members from the original movie, many of whose acting careers were subsequently revived thanks to Zombie’s idea of bringing the ’70s “grindhouse” exploitation flick style back to life, complete with figures from that infamous Hollywood period.

“I love being able to help them because there are so many people like Sid Hague and Bill Mosley (‘Captain Spaulding’ and ‘Otis’ from ‘Corpses’). They’re just great actors and so underappreciated,” he said. “When I was trying to get (Sid) for ‘Corpses,’ he had retired. We had to try to find him. Now to see how much the fans love him and how he’s more popular than ever, it’s great.”

Listen and watch closely during both films and you’ll also hear Buck Owens singing “Who’s Gonna Mow Your Grass,” a favorite of the movie’s killer clan, as well as a snippet of “Satan’s Gotta Get Along Without Me” from the 1966 “Buck Owens Ranch Show” - both personal favorites of Zombie's.

“I never got to see him (Buck) in Bakersfield, but I got to see him when he would come to LA,” said Zombie. “I never even got to talk to him, but I did get an autographed seven-inch of the song, ‘Who’s Gonna Mow Your Grass.’”

Most recently, Zombie shook up Hollywood again with a re-make of John Carpenter’s 1978 horror classic “Halloween.” The film debuted at No. 1 when it premiered this past August, and to date has grossed over 69 million dollars worldwide. The success of the film may finally have gotten industry “suits” to take him seriously as a director.

“‘House of 1,000 Corpses’ is released, and people were like, ‘Oh, this rock guy is goofing around,’” explained Zombie. “‘Devil's Rejects’ everybody liked, so then, ‘He's serious.’ Now with ‘Halloween’ it’s totally rock solid serious. I think people get it now. It’s not a joke.”

If battling the politics of tinseltown wasn’t enough, Zombie also finds it hard to deal with surviving as an artist in the digital age, where illegal downloading and greed reigns supreme throughout the music industry.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, probably because in another year people won’t even bother manufacturing CDs, no one will even want ’em,” he said.

“The downloads don’t match up with the record sales, so you know people are stealing mostly everything. The touring business is still really good, but now you are starting to get these artists that are really raping and pillaging the crowds and tickets are $200 - $500. The industry seems to be eating itself, and it’s kind of a bummer.”

Despite the perils of the industry, which seem to outweigh the torment suffered by victims in his films, Zombie continues to have success in an area of more importance - his marriage to Sheri Moon.

Moon’s statuesque beauty has become a familiar face (and body) in most of Zombie’s projects, including all three of his films, but it was her role as the maniacally laughing killer “Baby Firefly” in “Corpses” that made her a bona-fide “scream queen.”

“We love working together,” said Zombie of working closely with his wife through much of his busy career. “We’re always busy together. She’s out on tour now dancing in the show, and I think that’s why things have worked out great is that we’ve always incorporated the work into our lives, because if not then you never see each other. Collaborating on these projects always makes it more special and that’s why we do it.”

Sherri Moon will also be “heard” as the voice of “Suzi-X” in Zombie’s upcoming animated film, “The Haunted World of El Superbeasto,” a homage to animator Ralph Bakshi, best known for adult animation classics “Fritz The Cat,” “American Pop,” and “Wizards.”

“Superbeasto” features the ever-popular “Dr. Satan,” whose voice is played by actor Paul Giamatti (“Sideways”) and also features the voice of Danny Trejo (“Halloween”) who plays “Rico.”

In the film, “El Superbeasto” is a down-on-his-luck Mexican luchador who fights against the evil Dr. Satan along with his sultry-sidekick, played by Moon.
The movie, although finished and ready for release, is missing one potent element - music.

“That’s the only aspect that’s not finished,” said Zombie. “The problem is I have too many projects. So now, I’m on tour, so as soon as I get off we’ll go home and that’ll be finished.”

At this time, there is no release date set for the adult comedy cartoon, but Zombie hopes to have it out soon for those awaiting the latest Zombie treat.

Back to work as a touring musician with one of his childhood idols, Ozzy Osbourne, the future looks bright for Zombie, whose demeanor is not one of say the evil “Capt Spaulding” with a penchant for pain, but rather a humorous, hardworking music and fan geek, who understands the value of having such a rabid fanbase.

To show his appreciation, Zombie promises his Bakersfield show to be an even bigger feast of eye candy like his films and videos designed for nightmarish fun the whole family can enjoy.

“100 percent entertainment overload.”

Ozzy Osbourne / Rob Zombie LIVE!
-Monday, November 26th
-Rabobank Arena
-7:30pm
-$49 - $79
-www.ticketmaster.com
-(661) 322-2525

Story originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, issue 15, 11/15/07

Tattoo Tales II

Tattoo Tales II
Part 2: Expressing yourself with ink in Bako is more popular than ever.

Octopussy:
“I’ve been getting tattoos for over 10 years.

“My mom always hated tattoos and told me that having them would change how some people perceive and treat me. I hate to say it, but Mom was right! As a model I’ve been turned down for jobs because I don’t look all-American or girl-next-door enough for some jobs due to the large amount of artwork I have.

“As a citizen I’ve had cops and business-owners treat me with suspicion and then change their tune when they find out I’m a real live tax-paying government employee myself! I think my biggest pet peeve is with the people (and I don’t mean children) who take it upon themselves to grab at or touch my tattoos. There seems to be an assumption that if I did this to my body then it must be open season to walk up and put their hands on me.

“The rude comments and general ignorance about the art itself never ceases to amaze me, but I don’t regret a single drop of ink.

“I think that if you’re going to get a tattoo it should mean something to you, don’t just pick some crap off of the wall. You'll be less likely to regret it later.

“A lot of the ‘tattoo scene’ people complain that tattoos are becoming too trendy because of shows like ‘Miami Ink.’ That might be true, but I’ll still be happy with my decision to celebrate my skin by tattooing the hell out of it when it’s all said and done.

“And in the meantime, my mom’s come to terms with the fact that not all tattooed people are criminals or cruds and has even admitted that she likes a couple of mine.”

ArtByTheresa:
“I have a tattoo from local artist ‘George’ now at Naked Al’s downtown. It is of a dagger piercing through an apple with a banner that says ‘Mom.’ My mother is from Brooklyn, NY so instead of sticking with a traditional dagger through a heart I changed it to an apple. I love this tattoo because there are small intricate details such as a fleur de lis and a fish head at the top of the dagger.

Syrenmamma:
“I have a tattoo of a pink switchblade going thru a heart down my forearm. I got it because a pink switchblade was the first present my husband got my when we were dating!! He has a similar one on his forearm to. We also have matching stars on our hands. No names, but matching tattoos!! HEHEHE!”

What’s the story behind your tattoo? Post them on www.bakotopia.com, to be used for an ongoing series in Bakotopia Magazine!

*Originally Printed in Bakotopia Magazine, Issue 11, 9 - 21 - 07

READ TATTOO TALES III
(CLICK PIC BELOW!)

Flexing freedoms with the Kottonmouth Kings

Flexing freedoms with the Kottonmouth Kings

(Kottonmouth Kings)
<<LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW WITH BRAD "DADDY X" XAVIER!

Kottonmouth Kings appearing LIVE at The Dome Dec. 21

By Matt Muñoz, Bakotopia.com Editor

In the war of the independents, no one can boast victory like the Kottonmouth Kings.

The first glimpse of the what was to become a blunt-wrapped dynasty of punky hip-hop with a vanilla twist came in ’97 when the group scored a shot on the soundtrack to “Scream 2” with the song “Suburban Life.”

Returning to smoke up the stage at The Dome on Friday, Dec. 21, at 7 p.m. in support of their latest release “Cloud Nine,” the boys from southern California and Tehachapi strategically plan each move with precise timing.

“The ‘Scream 2’ soundtrack was part of a deal we made with the record company to break us out,” said Kottonmouth co-founder, Brad “Daddy X” Xavier, speaking from the group’s tour bus in Chicago, where another sold-out show awaits them later in the evening. “It helped us get the ball rolling in a big way.”

Although the soundtrack helped kick-off the introduction, Xavier and crew were from the beginning bent on staying in control of their careers the only way they knew - the DIY way.

“Back in the day I was promoting nightclubs, and I was in a punk rock band called Humble Gods. D-Loc and John Richter (future Kottonmouth vocalists) grew up in my old neighborhood. When they were out of high school, they started hanging out at shows, and they were just funny characters. I had a studio at my house and we started making beats and songs for fun. Next thing, it just organically evolved into 20 songs. I decided to start Suburban Noize Records to put out the first Kottonmouth Kings record.”

Of course, when the buzz of an unsigned artist becomes too hard to handle, the majors couldn’t take it anymore and wanted a piece of the Kings themselves.

“Right after we finished recording and artwork for the first record, that’s when all these major labels started steppin’ to us,” recalled Xavier. “Interscope, Elektra, Capital. We wound up doing a joint venture deal for Suburban Noize and Kottonmouth Kings for the first release.”

After the success of “Scream 2,” the group knew it was only a matter of time before the creative forces of the majors would begin to creep into the operation a little too much - a reality Xavier wasn’t about to allow his group to surrender to.

“We’re totally autonomous and independent; we answer to nobody. We run and operate our own clothing and record company,” he said. “We diversify. It’s more about a lifestyle - Suburban Noize has over 20 acts, and as far as the KMK is concerned, we make a new, innovative record every year.”

The wild “rip-hop” Kottonmouth party sound - a rough blend of punk rock, rap, and original mixed beats - comes courtesy of the brotherly bond Xavier, Dustin “D-Loc” Miller, and Richter share with members Lou Dog - drums, Pakelika - dancer, and DJ Bobby B.

According to Xavier, the group stays committed in all areas of operation, including the creative process.

“Everybody respects each other’s talents, strengths, and gifts that they give to the band,” explained Xavier. “We go out on tour and grind it out like a rock band. We’re in some gnarly cities and we gotta bond like brothers and make it home - we really depend on each other like soldiers.”

Critics of the Kings’ blatant use of marijuana in their lyrics, artwork and image don’t seem to be of any concern for the group, who embrace the almighty First Amendment and freedom of choice.

“We go all over the world. Different states have different laws,” said Xavier. “Yes, we’ve had police show up to our shows, we’ve been banned from places. The bottom line is - we live in America, so we don’t have many problems from the speech perspective.”

Apart from the Kings’ domain, Xavier also believes there’s far too much “herb harassment” going on in the world.

“The concept of a plant being a crime is an absolute mind-boggling concept,” he said. “We have a way in this society of making wrong look right, and right look wrong. The government can spend millions on this war, arm 18-year-old kids, and put them in harm’s way. Yet, you get caught with a joint, they’re going to throw you in jail. Whether you choose to smoke or not should be your own personal choice - not some police or government agency.”

Being white “b-boys” who know the respect paid to hip-hop culture since it’s solely African-American beginnings, the Kings’ also understand that naysayers who think the group doesn’t have skills was just part of re-writing the rules of the rap game.

“It was never a struggle between ourselves. .We take things seriously,” said Xavier. “I've had a love for hip-hop since back in the day. I think our records and beats will stand up against anyone in the game. It’s easy to discredit us because we’re white, but every house we walk into is sold-out, people singing along - those are the people I care about.”

With plans for more even stage rocking and music in 2008, the Kottonmouth Kings have a shout for longtime Bakersfield fans eagerly awaiting their return to The Dome.

“Stay free, stay down for the crown, walk in peace, and live every day like it’s your last.”

Kottonmouth Kings LIVE!
w/OPM and Subnoize Souljaz!
-Friday, Dec. 21 - 2007
-The Dome, 2201 V St.
-7pm / $22 / All Ages
-661-327-0190

Originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, Issue 17 - 12/13/07

The Healing Art of Tattoos

Saving The Boobies Through Healing Arts
Duo generates healing, artistic atmosphere for survivors of breast cancer

(Aimee Shaw, front, and France Garcia, 2007)

By Jackie Gibson, Bakotopia contributor

Breast cancer. Think about those two words for a second.

Many brave and heroic men and women have had those two little words spoken to them. Those two little words can make a huge impact on a person’s life.

In a matter of seconds the security you thought you had invested into living a long life can disappear. The shock of learning that you or a loved one or even a friend now has to climb an upward battle can be positively overwhelming. But overwhelming doesn’t always have to mean bad.

There are medical advances being made every day in order to help find a cure for breast cancer. Most of you may already know that the survival rate for overcoming breast cancer is the highest it’s ever been.

What you may not know is that art has become a growing form of free expression for breast cancer survivors.

Here in Bakersfield we are lucky to have the Healing Art Foundation, 124 North Chester. France Garcia and her husband are the founders of this non-profit organization. Aimee Shaw is a survivor. Through their shared love of art Garcia and Shaw have made many people aware of their cause. Together they have a strong message.

Garcia started the foundation when she lost her cousin, Monica, to breast cancer.
“In the same month my husband had a heart attack and I was injured. Starting the foundation was a way to honor my cousin and to raise breast cancer awareness,” said Garcia.

The foundation provides art work for breast cancer survivors and offers a wide range of services: including tattoo artists, permanent makeup artists, piercing artists, merchandise, and graphic arts.

Shaw is a 34-year-old Southern California native who was 30 when she was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. She has since undergone a double mastectomy. After Shaw’s double mastectomy she was faced with the decision of whether or not to have reconstructive breast surgery. She didn’t.

“When my husband and I met, I had tattoos,” said Shaw. “He was the kind of man who didn’t really like tattoos on woman. Not anymore though. Now he has a huge back piece.”

Shaw told told her husband she didn’t want the reconstructive surgery and would rather get body art – tattoos.

“I made an appointment with a doctor for an orientation anyways just so my husband could see,” said Shaw. “The doctor got out his portfolio and we looked at it. My husband said, ‘OK, you should think about the tattoos you want.’”

So the research began. Shaw looked online for breast cancer survivor art and tattoos.

Garcia’s Healing Art Foundation kept coming up, and the two began conversing by e-mail, becoming friends over time. The two have kept in touch since Aimee was diagnosed in 2003.

After talking and getting to know each other, they were able to meet for the first time at the first Bakersfield Tattoo Convention.

“It was great being able to finally meet France,” said Shaw.

The foundation started as an organization that offered free art to cancer survivors. Artists were members who donated their time and talents to many people. Now with the growing popularity and the national recognition the foundation has received, the operation has changed.

“Now instead of the survivors having to choose a member to get art from, they can choose whoever they want,” said Garcia, who also said the foundation organizes fundraisers.

“When we started the Healing Art Foundation it was a little taboo. Now it’s grown so much. I think that with shows like ‘Inked’ or ‘L.A. Ink’ it’s gotten more acceptable,” said Garcia.

The foundation has helped many survivors get their wanted ink. It’s a badge of courage. Shaw sports the awareness ribbon. It wraps her whole body, and inside the ribbon are meaningful images that inspire hope and represent what Shaw holds dear. Right around Shaw’s lower shower is the upper oval of the awareness ribbon with the image of the hands of Jesus.

(The front and back of Aimee Shaw's cancer awareness ribbon tattoo)

“I chose the hands because I’m a Christian. It’s like ... He’s in charge,” said Shaw, who also chose blue butterflies in honor of the movie “The Blue Butterfly,” a true story about a little boy surviving cancer.

(The front of Aimee Shaw's cancer awareness ribbon tattoo)

“My mom has been very supportive in my decisions,” said Shaw. “She has a blue butterfly. My daughter wants one when she is 18, too. It’s something that we will all carry through life together.”

Garcia's favorite piece is a nurse wearing the ribbon on Shaw’s lower right arm.

(France Garcia)

“It stands for the healing and the love and what we do. We try to make people feel better. It’s our goal to get out there tell people it’s OK. We’ll help,” said Shaw.
When asked if these two courageous women have anything to say about breast cancer awareness, Garcia said, “Awareness. Be aware of your breasts. Do self exams. Also, think about it. How often do you give yourself a physical breast exam? Sometimes having someone else do it can help detect something even better. Like your boyfriend or husband! They probably play with them more than you do! Have them check.”

The Healing Art Foundation will be at the Bakersfield Tattoo Expo this year at Rabobank Convention Center - October 6-7, 2007, so come and say hi just in case you missed their 2006 Save the Boobies tour.

They will also be holding their first annual Tats & Art for a Cure Convention March 14-16, 2008! SO STAY IN THE LOOP!

Originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, issue 12, 10 - 5 - 07

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