Recent Blog Posts: Bakotopia

Gift Idea

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 09:59:29 PST

I don't know about you, but I was excited when I found this website.
Where else are you going to find candy cigarettes and Zots?

Week 12 ...

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:32:09 PST

Well this is week 12, the last week in my Challenge #1. Totally stoked that I have made it this far! I will be taking final pics on Thursday morning and my final BF% test on Friday! I will be turning my entry packet on Saturday ... wish me luck. I have tried hard, I know I could have done things different and I learned a lot on this first challange! I will be entering again and with more knowledge behind my belt this time!

Jodi

Mad About Dancing

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 15:28:14 PST

BAKOTOPIA i shaker.

Here comes the Fog.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 08:24:23 PST

It’s that time of year again. The fog is back. I was actually excited when I saw it yesterday. There’s something about foggy mornings that makes me want to bake banana bread, or snuggle up under a blanket. I did both those yesterday. And I made a pot roast. It’s nice to warm the house with cooking and baking. Plus it makes it smell so good.

Bakersfiieldians spend a lot of time complaining about the weather, but deep down I think we like our crappy weather. Or at least we get used to it and learn to appreciate it. After a scorching hot summer, cool, misty mornings are a nice change.

Of course, after about six weeks of nothing but grey, gloomy skies I’ll be changing my tune.

For more from Baketown, click here.

Alone Into the Night

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 21:58:35 PST

Craig didn’t show up for “Control Freaks.” I called him and re-called him and messaged him just like he asked and still he elected to not be present.

I could choose to be hurt. Or not. I am choosing not.

The audience, you see, loved the show. There was a lot of laughter and there were several repeat folks in the house who brought friends along for more.

That says a LOT. From my perch in the booth I watch people watching the show, I gauge responses from their faces, their hands covering their mouths, their elbows in the side of the friend sitting beside them.

For the first time I elected to come around after the show and hang out in the lobby before I started cleaning like a madwoman. I finally decided it was safe to be where the audience was – and so many of these people were friends, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I collected some hugs – especially enjoying Sheila’s comments about Jeremiah, “This is the best work I have seen him do,” and picked up a broom and a dustpan. The glitter was all over the floor, just like Jen’s-lines-as-Betty say they will be.

I have a morbid fear of making either the Empty Space board or the Jesse’s Place cast and crew angry.

Jen came through and said, “You and Julia are the best clean up crew I have seen, you go about your work so quickly and without complaining.” I don’t really think about it. There is a job that needs to get done so I do it. “I feel like such a primadonna” she continued. “Here I am hanging out with people and there you are, digging through trash cans and getting everything away.”

“Ahhh, no worries,” I said. “I just want to be sure we are set for the next show. I have had nightmares about accidentally leaving doors open or people finding trash and complaining about that horrible Julie Jordan Scott.

It was 1:15 a.m. when I was done. I found Jeremiah and Julie outside. “Hey, Miah, do you know what Sheila said to me?”

“No, what?”

“She said this was the best work she has seen you do yet.”

He smiled, shyly, and became the man I met almost exactly a year ago at “Five Women” read through who said the reason he was doing the play was because “I want to find my soul.”

Now he was saying “What I have loved about this part is you allowed me to completely find my character and go way out there with it. I appreciate that,”

I smiled. “Well, as an actor, that is what I like to do – and as a Director, I hope actors will do that, too… and if you did anything horrifying or way off, I would call you on it. Instead, you dove right in and in two weeks had an incredible performance that will allow people to see you in a different way than before.”

We talked a little bit more and I climbed into Betty the Buick and drove away, alone, into the night.

That’s the worst part.

The “alone into the night” part.

I used to be completely ok with it. It was expected.

Now it made my heart hurt. Again. If Craig had showed up, I would not have had the cool conversation with Jeremiah. I would have, instead, rushed through my clean up and gone off with him and probably had a satisfying-on-one-hand time and on the other, an empty, not-up-to-par string of moments that I might just regret.

See, it all works out as it is supposed to work out.

Al Ghazzali wrote, “The heart of humanity has been so made by God that, like a flint, it contains a hidden fire which is evolved by music and harmony and renders each person beside himself or herself with ecstacy.”

Well, I wasn’t exactly ecstatic at this point, but I was content. Empty, lonely, yet content. I was aware. I wasn’t making any foolish choices.

A bottle of wine and some in depth discussion would be incredible in this moment. And the moments allowing myself to simply be empty were a decent second-best.

My hidden fire is still there, waiting – and knowing that since it has been seen and experienced it will be seen and experienced again. It is up to me to create the environment to bring it around again fearlessly.

BIFF it!

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 18:53:04 PST

Check out the BIFF Commercial by Hectic Films... Jim Padgett is the actor and I wrote the script... dig it punks and show up November 24-25... and buy some Lords Books while you're at it for Xmas presents!

Glad-Sad

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 11:18:18 PST

For the last… oh, twenty-four-hours or so I have been describing myself as “Glad-Sad.”

They seem to be the best words I can think of to wrap around my feelings.

A part of me wants to just sit in the paradox, quietly, and another part of me wants to put my toe in, and cause a ripple, like Sojourner Truth said in her words, “while the water is stirring I will step into the pool."

I was all prepared to start a fire to keep me company on this Sunday morning, a sort of worship service here, alone – while the little ones are at the conventional form of worship, I thought, “I’ll worship here, at home, soulful fire time.”

Katherine was home with me and she and I were getting things ready when she said, “You better call 1-800-Smoginfo and see if it is a no-burn day.”

I knew yesterday was a no-burn day so I figured we were in the clear.

I figured wrong. There went my fabulous worship idea.

Last night I attended a cast party for “Assassins” though like many theatre cast parties, folks from any show are welcome as the community itself comes like a family. I mostly sat either on the floor of the living room or on the leather sofa.

Three favorite moments were when Kaitlin exclaimed over my middle-aged coolness because I was drinking Modelo… and then later, she relaxed her head on my shoulder and I got a good cuddle from an unexpected source and then Anthony came along and cuddled to her and it felt like a collective cuddle and finally when several people I respect a lot said they want to work with me, specifically.

Wow.

I needed that.

And in glad-sad tradition, it made my heart ache a bit, which makes me glad, because it means I am still alive and connected.

Yes. I think it is time to steep in the Glad-Sad space. It just feels right.

Why Arnold's Christmas Tree will Never be a Holiday Tree: Why "The Triminator" endosed this song (or did he?)

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 08:00:43 PST

While so many other politicians and community leaders across the United States are caving in to political correctness as it concerns Christmas, Arnold is not likely to cross that line anytime soon. Just a couple of years ago, he officially reassigned the the name "Christmas Tree," to what had become California's State "Holiday" tree under the Davis administration. What do you think? Will Arnold's recent shift to the left begin to manifest itself in the form of political correctness as it pertains to the Christmas season?

What about you? Have you caved in to political correctness? It's not too late to return to common sense. Go ahead, take the risk. If you know somebody to be a practicing Jew or Muslim who is not down with Christmas, then what I'm about to say is probably not such good advice. I'm not suggesting we do away with seasonal sensitivity altogether.
But otherwise: Wish somebody a Merry Christmas and see if you get a "Bah Humbug!" in return. I predict that 9 times out of 10, you'll get a big smile, and a resounding, heart-felt, "Merry Christmas!" in return.

BTW, I'd like to thank "Arnold" for the heartwarming introduction to my tune, Arnold's Christmas Tree.

U Hurt There4 I Am: What makes a bleeding heart bleed?

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 22:25:05 PST

We're all familiar with the stereotype of the bleeding heart liberal. But seeking to heal victims as a way of vicariously healing oneself knows no political boundary, or any other boundary for that matter. Co-dependents, as they are often called (though the concept is simplistic, and, as such, problematic), though possibly more abundant in medical and mental health fields, can be found in virtually every walk of life----including white as well as blue collar occupations. Personal and romantic relationships, including marraige, are often built on the ineffably weak foundation of co-dependency.

It's all about whether or not the world, and, more specifically, the parenting you received, provided you with the necessary tools to establish a strong and unambiguous sense of identity. If co-dependency was the basis upon which your parental figures functioned (or rather, "dysfunctioned," then it is very likely that, without taking clear and decisive steps to re-establish your identity, you will rely upon the script that has been handed to you.

The idea that individuals can funtion on their own---that they can be entirely self-sufficient, is a myth. However, when meeting co-dependent needs trumps a healthy sense of reciprocity,

Psychologists, and other mental health professionals, I'm not letting you off the hook simply because I am one of you. If you overly identify with the "victim" in your patient and seek to gratify your own co-dependent needs through your patient, you cannot be effective. I cannot say that I have "arrived," in my own journey, so the advice I give is also the advice I receive.

Find yourself. Whatever it takes is what you must do. You won't find yourself in trying to be somebody else. You won't find yourself in trying to save somebody else. So, if you must seek to save others, make sure you are saved first.

U Hurt, Therefore I Am: produced by/instrumental arrangement by Gary La Duke
I just wrote the song and sing lead vocals on this one.

BIFF is on the way November 24th and 25th... - By N.L. Belardes

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 17:31:48 PST

Interview with Simon Sundale?

Message Wisdom

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 11:14:31 PST

The closing statement on the instant messaging

conversation was so right on, so powerful-I am

glad I breathed in and “heard” it..

“Keep feeling.” he said. I almost didn’t notice it.

“Keep feeling.”

I think it was just yesterday that I had said I thought hell would be a place where there were no feelings, no emotions – everything tepid, bland, devoid of response.

For the most part, my life is rather blissed-out. I remember Mike used to say that, sarcastically. “People can’t be so blissed out” was one way of criticizing my cheerful, over-the-top, everyday passion.

Well, maybe people can’t but I was – and for the

most part am.

Why? It is because I choose to keep feeling.

When I hurt – when my heart feels tight and constricted, I keep feeling – and more positive emotion eventually comes when I stay open to whatever feeling needs to flow through me.

It is difficult to express, actually.

Last night I wrote an angry poem. That isn’t very common for me, but I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to be open to being grouchy and curmudgeonly.

It is all a part of the continuum, after all. There isn’t separation.

How does one “wordify” bliss? How does one put it into a box marked “passion”?

I wonder. I wonder. I wonder.

Well, first of all – passion isn’t something readily put into a box. It isn’t something you can quantify, just as bliss is something individually tangible and witnessable but containable? Now that is something to consider.

I am reminded of the song from “The Sound of Music” where the Nuns sing, “How do you hold a moon beam in your hand?”

You don’t. Hopefully you wouldn’t feel the need

to anyway.

For now, I am letting go of the need to “wordify” bliss.

The process of translation into words, just isn’t

necessary right now.

In time, perhaps it will be right. For now, I will

just keep feeling.

Most people say things like, “Take care” or “Have a

good one” but no, not this soul. This was someone who understood what I was experiencing. He understood viscerally and took a moment to not be

trite and pat and formulaic.

“Keep feeling.” He said.

Thank you. I will.

Reading reading...

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 09:21:33 PST

I think this blog is going to be a more personal blog... me just whining about too much work and too little time. I'm working on a few blog posts for my Paperback Writer blog. Three book reviews: Punk Shui, Drugs are Nice, and Born on a Rottenday/Love on a Rotten Day... I've been reading so much lately that I'm behind on my reviews. What are you reading? I just started The Innocent Man by John Grisham...

Maybe Instead

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 02:51:05 PST

I wait for sleep

To engulf me

Pretend I don’t

Miss saying

Goodnight to you

My heart says

“You still can”

But I want to

Kick my heart

I am mad at it

Tomorrow is due

So I really need

To close my eyes

Or maybe instead

I’ll close my heart

I'm going to recede for a while...

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 21:48:24 PST

So I've got a lot of homework and stuff to finish up... my semester ends in mid-december so until then I doubt I will be very active on here. But dont fret precious, I'll be back soon. So until then, leave me any thoughts or feelings and I'll respond when I get a chance. Take care until I get back. :)

P.S. If there are any good plays going on, somebody be kind enough to let me know... I have been intrigued by the local theater lately... particularly the Empty Space Theater thanks to Mr. Munoz.

Love is in the Air

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 16:52:19 PST

We went to Don Vinos again for their free wine tasting. This time it was a little different than the last time I wrote about here:

go here for my last Don Vinos experience: www.bakotopia.com/home/Blog/twinkie/847

You see, last time, in the middle of all the goofiness and stinky purses, Dorp and I decided to put Goocher on the spot and set her up with J__. Just to be goofy. And to put her on the spot. We weren't really serious about it. I don't think? Well, maybe we were a little bit serious. But mostly we just wanted to be goofy. And we wanted to put her on the spot.

She was soooo pissed at us. hahaha Which is what we trying to do, piss her off. But him, well he was a good sport. Which I actually expected him to be, since he's such a great guy!

He came to check on us, and I’d commented something really dumb, laughing the whole time I was saying it. I don't remember exactly how it went. But it went something like this:

”Hey, J__ Dorp and I were thinking since YOU’RE single, and Goocher is single, you two should hook up.”

Dorp says something, which I don't remember right now.

He says something too. Can't remember that either. Whatever...

Dorp and Goocher feel free to chime in here with the correct conversation because at this point, I know I’d sampled one too many wines off the list and my memory is fuzzy.

The important thing is he is such a good sport and just goes along with it. Goocher just sits there gritting her teeth and smiling politely at J__ while pinching me and Dorp and whispering empty threats about killing us if we don’t shut the hell up. Of course we don’t shut the hell up. We know she won't kill us. She loves us.

So we keep egging him on and finally he politely asks her for her phone number. She gives it to him VERY reluctantly. So he says, “look at her, you’re forcing her to give me her number. It’s probably not even her real number.”

She says, “It’s not fake” at least I think that’s what she said. I couldn’t really understand her because she was talking though her teeth.

J__ says, “ If I call it right now will I get a complete stranger on the other line?” He's laughing. See Goocher, he thought it was funny too.

Dorp and I can’t stop laughing. And I have to go pee so bad but don’t want to miss out on anything.

She says, “IT’S MY NUMBER. WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU A FAKE NUMBER?”

He calls her bluff and dials. Her phone rings. She looks annoyed/embarrassed? hard to say at this point and says, “See it’s meeeeeee” and hangs up. He walks away to help other customers. That’s that. End of story. I mean it’s not like he’s really gonna call, right? RIGHT? I mean…. Right?

Wrong. He called. They hit it off. They have been dating ever since.

So yes, we went to Don Vinos again. But this time Goocher got both our very needed "girl time" but she also got to visit with her man.