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It’s ‘BARELY’ summer in Kern!
Topics: Nude Sunbathing, Bakersfield, NL Belardes, Bakotopia, June 2009, Citizen Journalism, Lady Larue
Posted by thenovelist Tue Jun 23, 2009 14:14:37 PDT
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It’s ‘BARELY’ summer in Kern!
Get your hiking shoes on, and a little more…

Article & photo By NL Belardes, Bakotopia.com contributor.
Legs courtesy of - Lady LaRue

A nude hiker makes his way along the banks of the Kern River near Lake Isabella. Is this a random sighting?

Has he just stepped out of the water or from the pages Jessica Anya Blau's novel “The Summer of Naked Swim Parties?”

Recently I searched the Web for “Kern River nudists.” While researching for an interesting summertime story, I came across a brief paragraph of an encounter where clothed hikers saw an unclothed nude hiker. No big deal, right? People are hiking naked all over Europe, so why not America?

Or maybe not.

On May 4, nude hiking was banned in the gorgeous Alpine countryside, according to the LA Times. No more Swiss men dangling in the Appenzell Inner Rhodes. No more folks in just socks and hiking boots. Apparently, a related press release said UV rays are dangerous, and naked people in the Alps are,  well, “disturbing and irritating.”

I wonder just how many nude sunbathers and hikers are wrongly labeled as sex offenders. Does that happen in Europe? I’ve seen photos of a woman on a rock nude sunbathing. No, I won’t say who. And no, I wasn't sexually offended. In fact, I distinctly remember being a little more grateful of the mighty Kern River that day. Those cool rocks, the delicate breeze and the rush of water in the distance.


Above: Lady LaRue

I’ve seen my share of people running half nude along the river. One old Mexican guy was a lookout at Yokuts Park one day. I rode by. He glared at me. Two young lovers frolicked.

I once went to a nude beach on a dare. I think I was 18. I walked down to the sand, yanked down my trousers for about 30 seconds, then pulled them up. Sure, there was one hot woman lying on the beach. I’ll never forget her. But it was the full-on over-40 volleyball game I saw in the distance that killed the moment from lasting more than 30 seconds.

The beginning of summer: It’s the time of year when swallowtails can be seen flitting over gardens, between trees and over swimming pools. You can’t mistake them. They’re the biggest butterflies around. Yellow and black and more graceful than the painted lady butterflies that sometimes can be seen in the hundreds, their wings in spastic movements. Like those nude volleyball players.

I don’t have to go into detail about their comical mounds of flesh in spastic, non-graceful swinging and swaying as the ball zoomed through the air.

Come on, what’s wrong with a little volleyball along the mighty Kern? It’s summer!

Also printed in Bakotopia magazine, issue 57, 6-25-09

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Comment From: matt

You can run across a lot of strangeness along the KC river...I'm being Yahoo serious!!

Comment From: thenovelist

Or in local parks. Heck, I hear people streak right outside the Bakotopia offices. Oh wait, that's just those PETA chicks... Comment From: twinkie

I thought Bakersfield rooftops were the way to go? Remember that video you guys shot a while back? hahahah... I do. I watched it over. And over. And over. And over. tee hee. Comment From: thenovelist

Oh you mean that rooftop SEX VIDEO that Bakotopia caught on film and people at ProSoft Technology in downtown Bakersfield were staring at, taking photos and videos of like a bunch of dirty perverts?? Yeah, I remember that. hahahaha Comment From: JtotheLO

LOL yeah, crazy things happen along the Kern River and through the canyon. Plus, on the Summer Solstice each year, outdoor enthusiasts hike sans clothing on Naked Hiking Day. Comment From: thenovelist

JtotheLo: And you would know this how??? Matt: I just had to type in the word "Dildo" to get this piece posted. A Bakotopia trick? Or some kind of bizarro naked universe koinkidink? Comment From: matt

Haha...the odds of 'dildo' being asked are slim, but possible. What are the odds, huh? Since we're on the subject...Trivia - "What does the name 'Steely Dan' refer to in bizarre literature?" Also a '70s jazz rock band...you better remember this.. Comment From: thenovelist

I dunno, Matt, but I wrote a piece on "Dildos of the Ancients" for "Random Obsessions: Trivia You Need To Know." People can read all about it on 8/1. Hahahaha... (Psst. I think you said Steely Dan was a dildo reference) Comment From: twinkie

YES N.L.... that SEX video. I wonder if it was actually Pro Soft people on top of that rooftop doing the nasty? Of course whoever he was, he'd have to be Pro HARD. heheheheh... oh I crack myself up. Comment From: thenovelist

Oh, Twinkie, those folks were just the voyeurs. Matt should do another rooftop video but do a mockudrama of the first starring local pro sports mascots... hahahaha. Everyone wants to see Swish and Colonel Claw'd get it on.... Comment From: matt

Aww the Sill Bldg. Sex Bandits Video was taken off YouTube after two years and over 8,000 views. I found the raw footage the other day. Hilarious... Comment From: thenovelist

What the hell were you doing looking at the raw footage for? hahahahaha... just jarshin' Comment From: matt

We need to use it somehow for a new video on freako Bakersfield...