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Bakersfield Defined...by Idiots.
Topics: Bakersfield, reputation, life, Bakotopia, music, Bakotunes, Podcast, blog, Korn, Buck Owens, bands, meth, Urban Dictionary, oildale, entertainment
Posted by baketown Fri Mar 9, 2007 11:03:39 PST
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I came across something rather interesting this morning. Bakersfield, the city itself, apparently garners definition by some people. Or at least the people who like to use Urban Dictionary. After reading the posts it made me wonder, how would Los Angeles be defined? You know what I found out? It isn’t defined yet. So hey, at least Bakersfield beat LA on this one. In your face LA!

Here is my response, as a person who was born and raised in Bakersfield, to the twelve definers.

#1 – With a population of nearly a half million, it is the third largest inland city in California. God knows why, it's a pretty horrible place, with summer (late May-late October) temperatures averaging in the high 90s and air quality that can practically disable you. Winter is short and usually doesn't get colder than 50 degrees in the daytime.

Meth is as easily found as soda machines and getting drunk at parties in the middle of fields is a common Friday night activity.

Housing used to be dirt-cheap, but as of recently it's increased drastically. Statistics show that every single day 10 people from LA move into Bakersfield.

Ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall (Valley Plaza) so at any given time it is too crowded to take a breath.

Much of the population are Mexicans that hop the border and invade town then clog the streets protesting their "deserved rights" when they are not even citizens.

Areas of town are sort of defined by the high schools: South High (southside), East High (eastside) {don't walk the streets at night because you WILL get stabbed by a mexican gang}, North High (north) {A.K.A. Oildale- which isn't a city in itself, just a name for the trailer park/white trash part of town], West High (west) {if you want to get shot, eat at a taco bell}, Ridgeview High {out in the middle of f**king nowhere}. Then there are the snobby, rich schools around the Northwest/Southwest part of the city such as Centennial High, Liberty High, and Stockdale High. Liberty is home to the hottest, most shallow kids in the whole city. If you're not good-looking, you're invisible.

Friday night high school football games rule many kids' lives. If you're not a jock, then you're going to be pretty fucking bored and will resort to devoting your life to the "hXc!" music scene. (Scene kids in Bakersfield are known to be pretentious jerks.) You will spend your every waking moment in the sweaty, roach-infested basement of Jerry's Pizza watching shitty local bands lose their voices.

Summer's started.. Looks like we won't be stepping foot outside for the next five months. Bring me a Bud Light and a pack of Camels!

kid 1 "I just moved to Bakersfield. Do you know where I can score some ice?"
kid 2 "Dude, just stand at a corner and someone will come up to you and ask you to buy."

The first post is obviously written by a teen aged girl. Lines like “Ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall” kind of give it away. (We have two malls!!) I would also venture to guess that she is a student at Liberty High School, currently unsatisfied with her social rank, and totally prejudiced against Mexicans for some reason. (By the way sweety, its best to save the brackets for math class.)

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#2 – Why trust air you can't see? The unbearable heat during the day adds to deliquency society as people prefer midnight outings and cow-tipping. From gang members to cowboys you will see a variety of "culture" The armpit of California is home to cheap living, suburbia mixed with random farms, and drastically changing geographics every year, as (for some reason) people keep moving there.

I’m confused from the beginning with this one. Aren’t we NOT supposed to see the air? And has she seen the air in Bakersfield? It’s pretty nasty looking.I

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#3 – Yes, it's hot. It can suck. However, its what you make of it. Either way, we still have a pretty bad reputation as a glorified hick-ville...

My friend & I during a random roadtrip to Aspen, CO:

random boy at a bar: hey, where are you girls from?
us: california
random boy: you girls here for the bachlorette party?
us: uhm, no. we're visiting friends. who would come all
the way from cali to get married?
random boy: would you rather get married in aspen or vegas?
my friend: well, i would get married in vegas.
random boy: YOU MUST BE FROM BAKERSFIELD!!!!

How the hell he pulled that out of his ass when all he had was the entire CA I'll never know.

I dunno, that’s just funny.

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#4 – a really s*** place where the air is as clean and pure as paris Hilton bakersfield. why bother?

I think he may have the new city motto, other than that, its just dumb.

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#5 – city in central california. frankly, it is mierably boring. its a giant field with buildings. yuck. bakersfield is boring.

Quite frankly, I find Random boring, so it seems to me Bakersfield is the perfect place for him.

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# 6 – The CA city also known as "Bako" (or better spelled "Bake-o") in reference to its typically hot temperatures, the proximity to producing oil fields (which is an in-joke for oil barons), and the predictable uber-presence of barbecue, bacon bits, and Mexican food, often served up to country-western and/or mariachi-norteno music.

While visiting Bako, try "the tri" -- which is loca lspeak for tri-tip, a beef cut that is (of course) barbecued.

I've been driving for ages -- are we in Bakersfield yet?

I hardly think “Bake-O” is famous for its tri-tip. Basque food maybe. And I have never in my life heard someone say “try the tri.” (Why you gotta go dissing on the bacon bits man?)

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#7 – The Hell(boredom)hole KoRn hailed from In Bakersfield if you were not a jock, then you're screwed with boredm

If I was not a jock then I’m screwed? Don’t these people grow up?

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# 8 – Didn’t you already post this?? And by the way, “The land Bakersfield occupies used to be a barren, desert-like field?” Actually it used to be wet, swampy, river basin stupid.

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#9 – A place where people from hell come. Also a place people like to bash by putting definitions like this in their profile. But really, it is that bad....this place f***in sucks....

This person is clearly bi-polar.

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#10 - A horrible place filled with illegal immigrants and dirty minorities that are doing the United states no good. Bakersfield is full of wetbacks and dead-beats

This person is clearly a racist.  Me? I like me a good Mexican.  mmm mmm!

#11 - Where delionns('08 ers)come from. Bakersfield is for lovers.

This person is clearly from Oildale, loves it there, and doesn’t know how to spell.

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#12 - where crips kick it from the cbc im a country boy crip in Bakersfield

Okay Mike. That’s great. I’ll come visit you in prison.

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So, how would you define Bakersfield?

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Comment From: Thesilenceclub

Stereotypes are my worst soul rotting enemy. Comment From: doctormason

I don't know. When I first came here I was taught that people here always complained about Bake-O, and that I needed to know who to believe. You're supposed to ask "How long you been here?". If they reply they've been here most of their lives, then don't pay attention their complaints. If they are NOT from here, then they're the most likely to either leave, or do something about what they're complaining about. Comment From: likhy2

This was a very interesting blog. However, it was a pretty hard read. I did not follow the dialogue very clearly. On what site or “magazine” were these people writing about Bakersfield? And which are YOUR comments? Some entries were italicized to discern from the other writers and other entries were not italicized. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it and guessing “who’s on first”. I have been here for eight years. I also moved here from L.A. County (City of Pacoima). The locals do bitch a lot of Bakersfield, but I have had a good time here mang. It’s not that bad. Still, I will be moving back to L.A. (Glendale) to pursue my teaching career. All I can say, is that I had a hell of a good time here. Oh, and don’t get me started on that whole “illegal immigrants are invading this country and taking all the jobs and bringing more crime and violence to our innocent, pure, and lovely country.” Some are still in denial and have not realized that WE WON and YOU LOST!!!! Immigrants will be allowed their fair chance at naturalization. GET OVER IT!!!! Comment From: Tammyj

Well, I for one think our town is great!! Yeah, I do complain about the heat, and the lack of things at times, like things to do late at night mostly. But, when we do go on vacation for a few days, I really do miss home, a lot! The best thing about our town is community. When there is a house fire, or when the food bank is low, or when the boys and girls club is broken into, this town wakes up, and steps up!! When it comes right down to it, we are all there for each other, and that's what counts!! I wouldn't want to live any place else!! Comment From: baketown

I copied and pasted the posts from Urban Dictionary, then I commented below it. I made my comments in bold. Hopefully that will make it easier to read. Comment From: josephd32

So basically, the whole thing can be summed up as simply: Bakersfield. Life as it should be.