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How to survive FRIDAY THE 13th
Topics: Friday the 13th Movie Horror Fun Jason Vorhees Gore Bloody, entertainment, Bakotopia, blog, Bakersfield
Posted by eduhartvt Sat Jul 14, 2007 23:05:34 PDT
Viewed 17206 times
0 responses 7 comments Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

 When I was young I would get so excited to watch the Friday the 13th marathon on the USA network—back when it was still an exceedingly crappy basic cable network (and not just a crappy network without need of qualification). The bad acting, the by-the-book scripts, the gore—always edited out on TV—all this was music to my ears. And 11 movies, nearly 20 hours of viewing pleasure…I still plop down on the couch and enjoy watching any of Friday the 13th movies.



For those of you who do not know the basic plot of the Friday the 13th film series allow me to surmise: it’s about a boy named Jason Voorhees, who drowned in the lake at camp Crystal Lake. 20 years later comes back to the camp, along with the help of his mom, and murders teens in various stages of undress, as well any one else that gets in their way.



Today I will give you list survival tips, on how to survive if you happen to find yourself in a Friday the 13th film.  Horror movie fans know that sex and/or (hopefully and) drugs=DEATH. But here are some helpful tips that will insure your survival in a Friday the 13th film.

If you are on the way to Camp Crystal lake, and happen to run into a crazy old man or woman, and they keep rambling on about how the lake is cursed, or you are doomed if you stay there—consider what they have to say. Even though they may smell, have bad teeth, and crazy Phil Spector hair, listen to what they say—they most likely know what they’re talking about. Or you can ignore them, and journey down the road to your own ironic death.



Being alone sucks, but being alone at Camp Crystal lake is essentially a death sentence. If you are alone, don’t walk around in your skivvies, yelling stuff like “Hello? Come on guys…this isn’t funny anymore.” This is basically like saying “Hello, Jason. I am all alone in my underwear. Please slice me in half.” Also, if your friend is missing, or has not come back with the beer, DO NOT INVESTIGATE. You are not the Scooby-Doo Detective Agency. If you do decide to investigate, you will end up hanging upside down from a tree with an arrow in the head.

Anyways, informing your buddy’s mom of his horrible demise takes some finessing, so you should begin work on that, rather than traipsing around in the dark looking for him (or his recently disemboweled cadaver).



Just because your house or cabin does not have any knives, axes, guns, or (Jason’s signature weapon) the machete, does not mean that Jason won’t find a way to kill you. Some of your favorite accessories and ordinary household items can be used for your impending beheading and/or garroting (followed by a beheading). This can include your favorite leather belt, your brand new flying V guitar signed by Don Dokken, a sleeping bag, wine openers, just to name a few instruments o’ destruction. Jason is one inventive killer; he is like the Martha Stewart of the slasher genre. Also, Jason is an excellent marksmen, and can javelin throw an arrow across the lake straight towards a horny teen’s eye or neck.



And now the most important survival tips: how to kill Jason. First, the more creative the plan the better. One way is to try and drown Jason in the river he previously drowned in.  That means you will have to some how lure Jason down to the lake, attach some sort of weight to his body, and throw him in the lake. By the way Jason is around 6” 3’. But that shouldn’t stop you since it didn’t stop those teenagers who have succeeded thusly.


(Ay Carumba!)

But the best way to take the guy out is by imitating his mother, wearing her sweater and then uttering some of her catchphrases, such as “kill her mommy”. Or you can take a page from the great Corey Feldman, shave your head, add a dab of black make-up, and convince Jason he is looking in a mirror, scaring the poor bastard. And when he’s down, hack the hell out of him. After you have killed Jason do not sit around pondering what has happened, high-fiving the nearest knucklehead, and then going on a romantic canoe ride by yourself. Because Jason Voorhees never really dies and he will find you.

Hopefully these tips will help you survive your summer vay-cay at Crystal Lake.



If you are not doing anything this Friday the 13th night, crack open an ice cold Newcastle, and watch the Friday the 13th Marathon on AMC. (Forget about the USA Network; they’re dead to me.)



*Originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, Issue 6, 7 - 13 - 07

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Comment From: thenovelist

Wasn't that one of the Friday the 13th flicks we saw at the Fox last year? heh. Comment From: eduhartvt

Yes it was, that was AWESOME, hopefully there will be another Horror movie night soon Comment From: matt

I wish they would do it again at the Fox. That was so much fun, and we were actually able to drink beer at the movies! Genius! Comment From: Asagefever

Great read! I think it wise to note,go into no dark rooms,meat packing facilites and ifin a deserted house a disembodied voice says"get out!" ~ do so. Comment From: matt

You;re right Eric, with all this traffic guaranteed through the weekend, it's no wonder no one's tried to advertise their band here...nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.. Comment From: kookoonauts

Spine Tingling! Comment From: matt

I saw a little of the Friday The 13th Marathon - Part 3..3-D!It had Stephanie Zimbalist from Remington Steele (or at least it looked like her at the end.)  Jason without his mask was pretty funny..then bubbles in the lake at the end for the grand "finale." Lol.