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Apartment Living Survival Guide
Topics: rat hole, apartment, Bakersfield, Bakotopia, living, comedy, party, cockroaches, Beer, drunk, blog
Posted by matt Mon Aug 6, 2007 21:10:49 PDT
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0 responses 5 comments Apartment Living Survival Guide
Just when you thought it was safe to leave the parental units’ nest ... you learn being on your own ain’t so easy

By Matt Muñoz, Bakotopia Editor

Having your own place is the dream we all dream of.

For some of us, it comes the day we turn 18 and don’t have to listen to our parents.

Or if you’re lucky — if you wanna call it that — you’ll get thrust into independence even before your time is due. You know, after pissing your mom and dad off beyond reproach.
Now, we don’t recommend you getting the boot out of the cozy confines of home, but if you do or it’s simply your time to fly the coop, Bakotopia has some advice and stories of apartment survival.

Whether fresh out of high school or in college, there is a way to make it happen.

All of these tips are time proven, and come from in-depth interviews courtesy of some of Bakersfield’s most brilliant, couch-surfing minds. So in keeping with tradition, pop open a cold one and enjoy, for your first apartment baptism by fire starts now:

Mom and Dad want me out!

We’ve all heard it, and for many of us it happens as soon as we’re old enough to get a job.

Your parents had you, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to keep changing your diapers or find your first apartment.

So start looking everywhere. The newspaper, the Net, your cell phone, someone’s got leads to a place for you to stake your claim.
The only way to do it is to get up and be somebody, so don’t be lazy. Wait ‘til you get the place, then you can sleep all day and … uh, we’ll get to that later.

I found a place, but I need credit!

So you have no credit?

I bet you feel stupid that you didn’t listen to those campus credit card pushers — err, I mean, solicitors — trying to sign you up for a VISA or Master Card while you were walking to class.

The best way to fill that void is to find a co-signer to cover your unreliable butt. Everyone has a favorite aunt or uncle, right?

Well, you’d better hope you’ve been a good niece or nephew, because chances are if you ask mom and dad, the answer you get will probably be a raised brow accompanied by a “You're gonna learn kid” type of cackle.

Remember, credit is a precious commodity, so don’t screw it up. Keep those new credit cards safe and out of reach.

Oh yeah, and if by chance you do get a co-signer who happens to be a relative, you’d better be kissing some major ass, and do the occasional favor — like coming over for dinner and eating your aunt’s famous “chicken that tastes like wood.”

Phone, PG&E, Internet — it’s all about C.R.E.D.I.T.

I’ve got the keys, but no place to sit!


So, you’ve managed to coax your way into getting your first home away from home. It’s a rathole, because $225/month was just too good a deal to pass up.

But it is yours, after all, and better yet — you’re away from Mom and Dad. It’s time to go berserk!

One thing’s missing: furniture.

Well, you do have bedroom furniture back at home, right?

So before you start planning your first party, get your friend with the biggest truck to come over and help you haul it over to your new digs — and fast. The word is spreading that your place is the next place to hang all day, so you’d better be prepared.

After you’ve moved over your nice furniture from home, just keep in mind that it probably won’t stay nice for long, so start parting ways with its “from home” warmth.

If you're still looking for more stuff to accommodate your junk, you can always find a garage sale or dollar store plastic kid table. Don’t fret if it has a picture of “Dora the Explorer” — the moochers coming over won’t mind.

Week one: Let the festivities begin! GIRLS! GUYS! WOOHOO!!

(if mom could see me now!)

And they do. You just got paid, your deposit and first month’s rent is all taken care of, because you’ve been planning for this time since your parents first said, “No!”

Everyone who’s anyone is in your house, and it’s only Monday! Yes, this party just got started and it doesn’t have a curfew!

For the morning after, close the blinds, and throw your comforter over the curtain rod for some added darkness.

Trust me, you probably won’t want to see the disaster made in the front room, bathroom and closet from the night before until you’re ready to wake-up. People do tend to lose control of their bodily fluids at various stages of inebriation and excitation — yuck.

Go back to sleep, worry later.

Week two: The party gets bigger, and mom and dad are calling!

You thought you had them off your back? Ha-ha, it’s time for the weekly check-in.

Not only are your parents worried about all the illicit behavior happening while they’re not around, but they’d love to see your new place.

WARNING: Tell them you have to work late and that you’re too tired after a long day. This should fend them off long enough to clean up the mess and figure out a way to cover-up the mysterious stain in the center of the living room carpet.

Week three: Creepy crawlies get a new home, too!

Cockroaches, as we all know, are probably the filthiest critters on the planet, until they met you.

Pizza boxes piled a mile high; Taco Bell bags with half-eaten burritos; week-old coffee still in the pot; and dirty clothes everywhere but in the hamper — a roach motel made for a king.

Yes, we humans can be pretty dirty in mind, body and apartment.

The depths of disgust that some of us delve into while in an apartment can make even the hardest of hearts shutter in revulsion.

Since some of you reading right now might be eating lunch, we’ll refrain from talking about scabies.

Clean for god sakes! Grab a trash bag, a broom and a can of Lysol. Roaches don't discriminate, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either!

If the roaches still stick around after you’ve developed a daily, post-party cleaning regimen, leave the lights on when you go to bed to keep ‘em hiding.

Week four: Rent is due, and I’m about to get fired!


By this time, you’ve probably used up all of your sick days calling in to work hungover, and as luck would have it, you have no gas in your car, and all your party friends have abandoned you — time to find a roommate to bail you out.

Finding a roomie to help out with paying the bills is an excellent way to get back on track, provided you find the perfect partner.

Roommates come in all shapes, sizes, colors and mental states, so be careful!!!

Don’t believe me? Check out some real-life twisted tales of roommate strangeness courtesy of some Bakotopians and feel free to add some horror stories of your own here: (click the lil' devil pic!)


Week five: I’m about to get evicted, and life sucks!

You’ve screwed up royally, your roommate plan never worked out because you never actually collected the rent money they promised you in the first place (and now the roomie has bailed).

The party is about to end, hopefully without fatality. Why not go out with a bang?

Remember, you’ve already paid your last month’s rent required, so you can milk that to throw a couple more ragers, right?

I’m out, now what?

If you’re lucky, you can ask your parents to let you have your room back after your eviction, save your aunt and uncle’s credit rating by speeding up the move and fixing all the nail holes in your wall with toothpaste (trust me, it works) and — Voila!

You’re back at home sweet home, and you’ve avoided ruining any future plans of getting another apartment!

But, hey, at least you survived your first round of apartment living ... start saving up now for that next security deposit ...

GOT ANYTHING TO ADD? POST A COMMENT BELOW!

*Story originally printed in Bakotopia Magazine, issue 7, 7/27/07

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Comment From: tashkajones

“chicken that tastes like wood.” ahhahahahaha.... love that song!!!!... very nicely put together. Comment From: jersooz

JerSooz says ...Loved the Adventures of the 1st Apartment all we can say is OMG it's true a Cock Roach will live 14 days after zitta zitta off with the Head (How Quickly we learn to Pick up after ourselves and wonder How Smart Our Parents were) Sounds like Your Party time was like Old Navy Days how quickly you learn Whoops got to get to Class or Back to Ship ... Least in Navy didn't have to pay Rent (Uncle Sam made sure you had that Single Bunk with No Comfort Zone Gee all for Little Pay who would have ever thought ) Talking Whoops Rent is due No Money You least were able to go home ... Party time also could go unchecked ( Just Lost Your Job Just get Another One Chant) verses Navy was for most Brig Time if didn't catch on fast! ... Can tell the Sea Stories of Drunken Sailors and events brought back memories of seeing stupidity both myself and others plus things should never see regarding body fluids and human problems uncontrolled ... Funny Reading the Article Was thinking Youth Past also fond Memories Lived through can only look back and Think OMG how'd We live through that Then thought How Brave to write about Your Party Time Your 1st Apartment I will also Think Navy Think Military whats does it all have in Common? Party Time! The Rights to Passage ... Then Think Gee Mom and Dad Glad You truly never knew what Parties been through then Just have to Laugh Keep Up the Great Writing and Remember Just Like Your Mom Just Like Your Dad tried to get through to You ... Just hope Others aren't as Thick Headed Stubborn as We were ... Then Hope They never become Your Roommate Jer of Jer&Sooz Comment From: lovemyminerals

We all go through this.. It's just a part of growing up!! Take it as a lesson learned and move on.. That's all you can do! Comment From: LaurenNelae

Haha! Very very funny!!! A few weeks ago i thought i saw a mouse running around my apartment...turns out it was a huge COCKROACH!!! Gross!! Nice blog! Comment From: zero

I've been out since the week after highschool graduation (which was june 06'). Mostly because i went off to ITT Tech and all. But then I came back and moved in with my girlfriend, and we're doin just fine. No bugs, no nagging parents. ocationally my sister will come over unnanounced to smoke out, and thats about the one thing that bugs me. I get my bills paid on time, and me and my girl still manage to have kickass weekends. I get to spoil my girl w/ a roach-less place to live, food to eat, concerts to go to (although Projekt was her treat), and anything mateiral that she could need, sometimes want. Whats so awesome is that I'm still 18, and about the biggest pothead that RHS had ever seen. Awesome, isnt it.