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CONTEST IS OVER! WIN TICKETS TO SEE CARLOS MENCIA LIVE 10/5!
Topics: Carlos Mencia, contest, tickets, tix, Bakersfield, Bakotopia, Mas Magazine, october, 2007
Posted by matt Thu Oct 4, 2007 12:00:32 PDT
Viewed 512 times
0 responses 39 comments Location: 1001 Truxtun Ave, Bakersfield, CA 93301

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Comment From: keyes

Q: why did the chicken cross the road? A: to get to the other side. (sorry, but everything else i know ain't civil.) Comment From: crazyshorty98

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.' Comment From: missbaby

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green. okay, so dont diss it. i know its retarded...buuuuuuut.....ive actually done this....AND i've done this SOBER ok? i think it was funny when my husband asked me "what are you waiting for baby?" hahaha... Comment From: qwejibo

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'The gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.' Moral: Women are evil. Comment From: RSDmom

How do you make a tissue dance? Ya put a little boogie in it.. OK, like the other guy said all my other jokes are very bad I am married to a truck driver lol.. Comment From: tgrJams

Q: Why is a woman's menstration time referred to as "PMS"? A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken! (Okay, I know that that was horribly un-PC, but... damn... it's funny!!!) Comment From: shawnabonna

Q: Why do women prefer having a koala bear more than having a man? A: Because koala bears eat bushes and leaves. Comment From: musnagel

WHERE DO COUSINS COME FROM??????????

                           !!!!AUNT HOLES!!!!

Comment From: ggirl

THE PASTOR'S ASS:    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.The local paper read: ... "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."  The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS."  This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:  "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."  The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:  "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."  This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:  "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE."    Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?  Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop crying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier.

Comment From: soundboy

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. Comment From: momx4

One night a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender;Drinks for all on me including you,bartender. So the bartender follows the mans order. "That will be $56.50 please." The drunk says he has no money, so the bartender slaps him arnd and throws him out. The next night the same guy comes in and orders drinks for everyone including the bartender. Again the bartender follows fills his order and again the drunk guy has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night the drunk comes in,he orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What no drink for me,the bartender says. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink." Comment From: Tammyj

This always makes me laugh!! ~Tammy

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Comment From: Deanna

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!" Comment From: krisnalex

Friday in HELL... Body: Body: FRIDAY IN HELL One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great. "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" Comment From: Tatdude

Who Are the Sisters to Meet? Rosie Palms & Her Four Sisters;) Comment From: zxandu

Q: How many beaners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fuck the light bulb, pay the god damn power bill. Comment From: krisnalex

Three little ducks go into a Bar................ "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." Now tell me YOU'RE NOT going to Forward THIS . Comment From: Meatloafthepiercer

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'. Comment From: teeparty

What did Micky Mantle and Jerry Garcia have in common? THEY BOTH HAD OVER A THOUSAND HITS!!!! (Many thanks to Zen Robbi for posting this joke today:) http://www.myspace.com/ZenR... Comment From: DeadSexyTattoo

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog." Comment From: teeparty

Oops! Sorry Matt! I thought my post would appear at the top, and when it didn't, I thought it didn't go through. Sorry for posting twice! :/ Comment From: mr33

(my daughter's favorite joke) Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He was feeling CRUMMY Comment From: Lariosa

Old favorite: What's the difference between a Frog and a Horny Toad? Give up? The Frog says Ribbit Ribbit and the Horny Toad says Rubbit Rubbit Comment From: brian

How about 25 one 1 liners 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?" 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9.. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" Comment From: krisnalex

2 girls get naked, 1 girl asked the other. Why does your pussy not have any hair? She replies, have you ever seen grass grow on a busy road! Comment From: krisnalex

DEFINITION OF A NERVOUS WRECK: A man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend.....AND THEY ARE ALL A MONTH LATE Comment From: lilnemo

Little Joey was outside and he over heard some older boys talk about condoms. So he goes into the house and asked his father what condoms are. The replies, "Okay I guess your old enough to know, get your coat we have to go to the pharmacy." The father takes litte Joey to the pharmacy and takes him inside and shows him where the condoms are and what they are for. "Why are there different packages?" "Oh, that's easy." "Okay, what's this one for?" Joey points to the 3 pack. "That's for the College Student, he gets that for the weekend, One for Friday, One For Saturday, One for Sunday." "Oh.What's the 6 pack for?" "That's for the 20 Something single guy. One for each day of the week, with a day to rest." "Oh! What's this one for, the 12 pack?" The father sighs and frowns,"That's for the married man, One for January, One for February, One for March, One for April,One for May... and So On." Comment From: sandie

Carlos Mencia is the most hilarious. A must see... lol...lol...and he is handsome. He is soooo retarded...The joke about his friend getting on the rollercoaster...a knee slapper!!! Comment From: ozmacity

Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck! Comment From: conz

What did the bartender say to the horse? "Hey buddy, Why the long face?" Comment From: nanoxnano

user name- nanoxnano One of my favorite jokes: One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars!" Comment From: IamWhoIam

I wanna win tickets!! How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Hope I win! Comment From: artbytheresa

Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude" Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us! Bush/Cheney '04: Don't Change Whores in Midstream. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars! Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile. Bush/Cheney '04: It's still Clintons Fault Bush/Cheney '04: Making the world a better place, one country at a time. Bush/Cheney '04: Less CIA -- More CYA. Vote for Bush & You Get Dick! Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now! With a Bush, a Dick and a Colin, everyone gets screwed Bush/Cheney '04: Iran and Syria are still out there. Bush/Cheney '04: Building a Bridge to the Great Depression Comment From: brandonbang

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios?

 A: "Neato...Doughnut seeds!"

Comment From: ggirl

One more, can't resist: Did you hear about the flasher who retired but decided to stick it out for another year? tee-hee. Comment From: brandonbang

Q:  What's the definition of bravery?

A:  A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Comment From: simplyuniq

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" Comment From: simplyuniq

so who won? Comment From: matt

Can't say, but they are very excited. This was one of the best contests we've had. There are some really good jokes here, and I wish could take every body to the show..Thanks for all the support!!!