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Say Anything…
As if being in love wasn't confusing enough, we have Valentine’s Day!


Cover inspiration romance: '80s flick "Say Anything"

By Matt Muñoz, Bakotopia Editor

Feb. 14 - a day for showing the one you love how much you care by the amount of flowers, size of candy box, and/or yearly back massage…
Is this what love is really about? I’d like to think not.

This V-Day, Bakotopia went on a search for true love stories - the good, the bad and the strange. What a better way to spend the day than reading about the lives of others - except this time, we’re giving both sides a chance to share their joy and pain in their own words.

Let’s not try to candy coat Feb. 14 like a Hollywood movie - get real. If you’re really in love, make everyday Valentine’s Day. If you’re not, don’t sit around waiting for the right person - live it up!

While some may have found their one-and-only, others are still on the search. You never know unless you take chances, and you’re about experience a little of both worlds.

Happy V-Day everyone, Godspeed!


PART ONE: The Joy - Love Lingo
Cuddle up and feel the warmth, it’s time for true Bako romance
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A match made in metal
Thanks to the Prince of Darkness, a Krotchette finds true love online

By Polekitten / Brandy, Bakotopia.com contributor

If you’re single and live in Bakersfield, there’s a great probability you’ve searched through tons of pictures of men and women at match.com, plentyoffish.com, countrymatch.com and many other dating Web sites out there.

When I moved to Bakersfield, the nasty rumor I heard was actually true - being single in Bakersfield sucks. I was one of those that spent hours looking through pages and pages of pictures of (supposedly) single, eligible men. Let’s say it all together now: “No way!”

Not only will you find the same picture and profile on all these Web sites, many of us have found that these people grossly misrepresent themselves. Why?

Well, for one thing, they (stupidly) post their desirable age group as 21 to 31, even if they’re 50. So one thing they will lie about is their age.

Guys, if you are that single-minded, you’re going to miss out on someone older and fabulous! Next comes the part where you describe yourself. I myself remain modest on my profiles, saying my looks were “average” and my physical appearance “athletic.” How many times have we found out that wasn’t the actual truth?

I decided that I was finished with dating Web sites. Having extra time on my hands, since I obviously did not have dates filling up my social calendar, I turned to Bakotopia.com and MySpace.com for help. Not only did I find genuine, honest people, but I started making friends from all walks of life.  And how fun is it to check your email every day to see if you have any new friend requests? These Web sites are great platforms for expressing yourself both personally and artistically. We look at each other’s pictures, blogs, videos and share common interests.

One day I’m browsing the sites, searching for people in my age group with similar interests and come across a picture of this nice looking guy with long hair standing next to Ozzy Osborne. OK - caught my attention! I clicked on his profile, looked at his pictures (he had since cut off his long hair) and saw his musical tastes were close to my own (Ozzy anyone?) and sent a friend request.

Within 30 minutes, he had checked out my profile, made comments on my pictures, and sent me a message saying, “I want to meet you.”
Wow! How quick was that?

We didn’t meet right away. We talked online, on the phone and got to know each other. The first time we met was my first time dancing as a Krotchette for Krotch at Fishlips - weird date, I know…

We both knew that we were right for each other. This realization hit both of us like it never had before. We spent every night online e-mailing each other back and forth!

Gals, this is the type of man most every woman wants. An honest, compassionate, humble guy. He cooks (really good), cleans, listens to me without offering his opinion (unless asked), writes me poems, and he dances (if you know me, this is a very important quality for a man to possess). Romance is not dead - and I say “hallelujah!”

We now live together, and every day is a new adventure. We’re both looking forward to our future.


A Novel Romance
When in doubt, refer to the Love Dr. - Stephen King

By Sistersheree, Bakotopia.com contributor

I fell in love with my future husband at Barnes and Noble Book Store in Bako - before we were even dating.

We were just friends but I knew that he really liked me a lot. He spent every free moment that he had with me.

I remember standing there looking at him, thinking to myself, “This guy is different, he’s real.”

Something in me just allowed all my defenses to fade. When he demanded that I allow him to buy me a book, I just went weak in the knees and love, sweet love, took over right there in the fiction aisle!

Later that night I called my older brother and told him about falling in love with this guy in Barnes and Noble. My brother said to me, “What book did you buy?”

I Told him, “A Stephen King book.”

To which my brother said, “If I were you, I would have bought a book called ‘How to give a good BJ’ not some Stephen King book!”

Then he laughed like a madman at me for gushing with love over the man I knew would one day ask me to marry him.

That was nine years ago last October. I still love him as much if not more than the day he stole my heart!

PART TWO: The Pain - Love is a Battlefield
Cupid got you down? You're not alone. Check out a couple stories from the front lines
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Pyramid-Sized Love Scheme
A bizarre story of one woman's journey from bad to worse

By NanaMiss, Bakotopia.com Contributor

I had what was possibly the most torturous valentine experience ever. Rivaling even the fact that six checks bounced in my bank account last year on Feb. 14, I was demoted to “Let’s just be good friends” status by the guy I was dating while we were lying in bed three days before Valentine’s Day.

My mistake was asking him, “So, how do you feel about us?”

Yeah, that was stupid considering I was already in the midst of Valentine planning, having just had some sexy photos taken for him. It’s not like I was in love or anything, but I was getting it regularly and sometimes that’s important.

Why did I have to go and get all touchy-feely anyway?

Because “heart day” was only three days away. He actually said he’d like to spend it with me and asked if I was OK with that.

I grunted and said, “Don’t do me any favors” - but he was persistent and, damnit, so familiar and sympathetic that turning down free sushi on Valentine’s Day just seemed masochistic. Besides, sushi usually leads to something.

He called the day off, saying his friends John and Sara would like to join us for dinner, and wondered if that was alright by me. I was skeptical, but I was hungry and did not protest. Besides, it might keep the conversation light.

John and Sara had no idea that we were no longer a couple, and Sara kept making references to “When you guys move in together and live happily ever after,” while I glared disdainfully in my former’s direction and he examined the light fixtures.

I wasn’t wrong about the conversation being light.

It was so light that my thoughts began to drift while I lazily dropped sake bombs into my beer. Three sake bombs later and the conversation turned to John and Sara’s business. I politely inquired with “oh?” and “mm-hmm?” and woozily surfaced to the realization that they were giving me an Amway sales presentation!

Feeling like I was caught at the front door without my crucifix by someone holding a Watchtower magazine, I hoped I appeared incoherent enough for them to stop the sales pitch.

I burped, I checked my cell phone, I leaned over the table and asked, “You gonna eat that?” I even went ahead and ordered three more drinks.

At some point I wobbled off to the restroom and hoped no one would follow me. There I made several phone calls and left the same number of slurring voice mails for friends I hoped would rescue me.

Instead I rode home with him, sullen - my hopes of sushi leading to sex crushed by a global leader in multi-level marketing.


Kern County Catastrophe
A trip to the fair end up as a big bully barf-o-rama…yuck

By rocket1air, Bakotopia.com contributor

I have a pretty bizarre story from when I took this lady to the Kern County Fair.

I was in my early 30s at the time and still single. My relatives were always trying to hook me up with the “right” lady. I mean, I didn’t have any problems finding the ladies on my own, but every once in awhile my relatives would introduce me to someone cool and we’d go out and have some drinks and some laughs.

So on this one occasion, my cousin Martha told me about this girl she worked at the bank with who she said was pretty nice. Martha showed me a couple photos of “Alicia,” and damn she did look pretty fine. She had a great smile and long brown hair and, although she had a lean body, there were curves in all the places that I liked (hehe).

Alicia had been married at one time, but she had been divorced for about a year when I met her. I talked to Alicia on the phone and we made plans to go to the fair for our first date. I am not really a person who likes to go to the Kern County Fair, but I thought, “What the hell…. I picked her up that Sat. evening, and I told her that I would pick up the tab, and she could buy me lunch or dinner sometime later (I was already thinking about the second date ….)

We got to the fair and Alicia wanted to eat so we got some corn dogs, fries and soft drinks. That hit the spot for me so I was cool for the evening. Not long after that Alicia wanted some cotton candy and a large fruit drink. We walked around some more, and she wanted a burrito and a sticky bun - 15 to 20 minutes later she wanted a slice of pizza and a 64-ounce diet Pepsi. Not long after that, it was a giant box of popcorn and an ice cream cone!

Now I am thinking, this girl is gonna get sick on me. That’s way too much junk food to be eating in a two-hour or so span!

Right about now, who should walk up to her, but one of her old boyfriends - and a couple of his buffed-out friends. I would find out later that the guy had just been busted out of the Marine Corps in San Diego and his two friends were also jarheads. I would also find out that the guy had been thinking about Alicia and wanted to hook up with her now that he was back in Bakersfield.

So, the Marine and Alicia are exchanging small talk (and ignoring me) while his two buddies are mad-dogging me and getting me kinda jittery. I go from happy-go-lucky with not a care in the world to damn are these clowns gonna jump me?

Finally, Alicia tells the dude that she has to go, so I quickly take off in the opposite direction with her. I am kind of hoping that these three guys leave the fair because I didn’t want any more bad vibes that evening. I guess that chatting with her friend worked-up her appetite because she was now interested in a cheeseburger and more fries!
I had come into the fair with $100, but now I am thinking, “Is my money going to last me through this evening?”

Alicia had put a serious dent in my wallet. I had wanted to grab a couple of drinks before taking her back home. Alicia had finished with her “snack,” but I could tell that she wasn’t done with all the junk food. I kept thinking, “Where is all this food going?” and sure that this ain’t gonna turn out right.

Well, lo and behold, a few minutes later Alicia did get sick and began throwing up outside one of the pavilions. Of course, people are looking and there I am standing next to her, trying to look “cool” and sympathetic, but all this up-chucking is certainly getting the attention of passersby. And now who should show up, but the three Marines!

The ex-boyfriend cuts in and begins trying to comfort Alicia.

“Do you need any water? What can I get for you?” he says.

I tell him, I got it covered, but he shoves me away and tries to take control. Finally, Alicia is done barfing and the color is starting to return to her face. She got some barf on her blouse and her shoes and a little in her hair. I tell her, go into the bathroom and clean-up a bit. While she is in the bathroom, the ex-boyfriend Marine jumps in my face, accusing me of getting her drunk or giving her some drug (yeah right) and I am doing all I can to defuse the situation.

I could tell he (and his buddies) wanted to throw-down, but I just kept trying to play it cool. Finally she returns from the bathroom and says, let’s go. Just what I wanted to hear.

She was feeling better in the car, but I wanted to go home, I had had enough “excitement” for the night. When we got to her place, she wanted to make out (she still smelled like barf!). But me, I was just thinking of getting home, turning on the TV and having a beer.


Fun with Dick And Jane
A woman scorned gets the last laugh in a tale of sex, lies and videotape

By TheOneandOnlyNeverLonely, Bakotopia.com contributor

Last year, I was dating this guy for about six months - let’s call him Dick just for fun cause that’s about all he was good for anyway.

When Valentine’s Day came around I was just happy to have someone, even though he told me he didn’t want a relationship. We made tentative plans the day before to go for ice cream at Rosemary’s on V-Day after work, and then to go hangout and enjoy each other for dessert.

While checking my e-mail the next morning, I opened a message from Dick sent at 4 a.m. that day. It basically said: “Sorry, but I am having some problems at work, so I am going to go hiking by myself for three days to clear my head.”

I didn’t think that was really strange at the time since he said he goes hiking all the time, but I was crushed! I cried and spent the night alone, but I believed him. I was so naïve!

We got together as soon as he got back. I asked him for pics from his hike - he said he forgot his camera. He also happened to be mysteriously “sunburned” from the snow.

So, to make up for V-Day, we exchanged gifts - Dick gave me a card, along with a pink flowering plant called a Cyclamen (which means “resignation and goodbye” - he later claimed he didn’t know). Thinking back, I should’ve seen the sign.

I continued to see him only to find out six weeks later in April that it all was a big fat lie - total dishonesty characterized by another lie (which I will get to later).

Eventually he confessed over the phone that he really went to Hawaii with a friend. I asked him if this “friend” was a girl named Jane (who also happened to be the wallpaper on his cell phone).

“No!” he said and made up another story about some chick that lived in Long Beach and told me that he only went because it was free and he had never been before - nice try.

Then he tells me they didn’t sleep together (yeah right) and that they were “so done.” He concluded that he was a self-proclaimed asshole and broke two girls’ hearts in two weeks. Funny thing is that the plant he gave me died that same day.

Yet I still continued to see him whenever I could. Yeah the sex was that good!

Then, as we got together from time to time, I noticed his trips out of town became more frequent. We weren’t MySpace “friends” anymore but I would peep his page from time to time, ya know?

I had also heard rumors from a mutual friend that he was engaged. Naturally, I wanted to know the truth.

One day in July, his MySpace page was no longer set to private so I saw both of their profiles. His social status declared “In a Relationship.” I snooped some more and found their pics from Hawaii and from a wedding he attended with her (he claimed that I couldn’t go because he didn’t RSVP in time).

I found out everything - all lies. I was totally floored to see it was Jane! She wasn’t even that hot! Then, I remembered we had slept together for the last time like two weeks before his so-called engagement. I decided it was about time she should know the real man he is. I spilled all of it. Turns out he slept with me the day after he proposed!

After a few messages and replies from Jane, she wanted proof. I sent her our sex tape via e-mail - ha ha!

He had the nerve to call me, crying about how I ruined everything and that she was upset (as if I gave a shit!).

“How could you?” he asked.

I said, “You fucked with the wrong bitch!”

This is just one of reasons you don’t wanna mess with my heart… because if you F with me I’ll do it to you twice as bad. I’m not a bitter woman - more like bittersweet.

I love being in love. This is one thing about me that will never, ever change no matter how much heartache I experience.

As for my sex life these days, it’s never been better! Thank you very much!



Article originally printed in Bakotopia magazine, issue 21, 2-7-08