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Movie Theater Etiquette
Topics: Bakotopia, Bakersfield, Bakotopia.com, entertainment, theatre, movies, theater, noisy people, rules, etiquette
Posted by AntManDoom Mon Sep 15, 2008 18:13:26 PDT
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Movie Theater Etiquette
AKA: A guide to not acting like a moron, so we can all enjoy the show

By Anthony Bench, Bakotopia.com contributor

I recently went to see a movie at one of the local movie theaters.

It was opening day, and I was excited to check this flick out. I was there early enough to get a great seat, and I sat patiently waiting for the movie to start while I played Street Fighter 2 on my cell phone. I was totally beating down Sagat when suddenly a group of teenage girls decided to sit in the row right behind me.

Do you ever get that exhausted feeling where you just know that someone is going to make your movie experience far from enjoyable? That sinking feelings where you know you have three options: silently take their obnoxious behavior, start a fight with the teenage girls (a lot tougher than they look), or do the grown-up thing and tell a theater manager and hope that he or she actually does something about the disturbance.

As the movie started, the back of my chair was kicked repeatedly, a soda was spilled, their phones rang not once, not twice, but three times during the movie, they had a full conversation with some guy named Spencer, and worst of all they talked during the entire thing. Unless you’re “Mystery Science Theater 3000” alumni, no one wants you talking throughout an entire movie.

Did I fight them? No, there were too many of them. Did I do the adult thing and report their behavior to the theater manager? No, because to be honest I needed a new topic to write about, so I silently took the abuse until this idea came to fruition inside my head...

It seems theater etiquette has all but been forgotten, which is a sad fact, really. Some people, including myself, love the theater experience and prefer it to any home viewing. I love the smell of chemically enhanced popcorn, the grand scope of the screen, the feelings you get that evoke your inner child. But now such feelings are replaced by the harsh reality that you’re spending way too much on a movie ticket and snacks just to sit through a bunch of Hannah Montana’s with a crush on some tool named Spencer as they make unintelligent remarks about a movie they can’t possibly comprehend.

There used to be rules, folks! Rules that once kept theater patrons in line, so everyone could leave the theater with a sense of satisfaction - even if the movie was bloody terrible!

Rule No. 1: Shut up! You’re not doing anything but making a fool of yourself. If your friends get a kick at your stupid commentary, you should stop hanging out with such childish morons and find yourself some grown-ups to hang with. You’re not as funny or clever as you think. If you must comment on something, whisper it to the person sitting next to you. If the person you want to contact isn’t sitting next to you, sit tight and wait till the credits roll.

Rule No. 2: Turn off your frackin cell phone. If you need to be contacted in the case of an emergency, put it on vibrate, and quietly excuse yourself into the lobby. Don’t send text messages. As a matter of fact, just turn off your cell phone. If it is so important, they’ll leave a message or call back.

Rule No. 3: No sexual tomfoolery. The floors are sticky enough.

Rule No. 4: This goes with rule three — making out in movie theaters is a teenage tradition that is almost as American as apple pie. Please, feel free to do so, however, do so where you can’t be bothered, and you won’t be bothering anyone else. Keep your moans and groans minimal, and try not to make that smacking sound with your jaw. Your make-out session will be more enjoyable knowing that you’re not bothering anyone, and no one is provoked to bother you.

Rule No. 5: Sexual tomfoolery often has an annoyingly loud and smelly side effect: babies. Babies have no place inside a movie theater. Hire a babysitter, you cheap twits! Babies are disturbed by loud noises, so why take your spawn to a movie theater to see “Saving Private Ryan”? It’s going to wake the baby and piss off your fellow theater patrons. Leave the kid at home, or wait for it to come out on DVD.

Rule No. 6: Movies can be exciting and action packed. Feel free to be wowed and mesmerized by what you see on the screen, but please don’t audibly show your enthusiasm. Just because Legolas brought down an Oliphant by his lonesome doesn’t give you the right to scream “yeah!” or “awesome!” or “he got him good, didn’t he?” Just keep your excitement intern, no matter how epic the movie gets.

Rule No. 7: Laughter is a great thing, but sadly a lot of today’s movies are filled to the brim with things that just aren’t funny except to that one annoying guy in the fifth row. Usually this humor-challenged loser just happens to have the loudest and most offensively tuned laugh, and he laughs at every ... single ... thing. Especially when it’s really not even supposed to be funny.

If you’re the type, gauge your reaction to everyone else’s. If you’re the only one laughing, it probably wasn’t that funny. If the entire theater erupts in laughter, by all means go ahead.

Rule No. 8: If you find yourself being bothered by any breakers of the rules above, take it upon yourself to save the rest of your fellow theater brethren by reporting the annoying imbeciles to your theater manager. Don’t assume I will do it for you, because more than likely I won’t want to miss a single frame of the movie, or quite possibly I’m looking for inspiration for another article about rules people should courteously abide by.

Till next time, fellow movie buffs — courage!

Also printed in Bakotopia magazine, issue 37, 9-18-08

 

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Comment From: JulieJordanScott

I especially enjoyed 3,4 and 5. The one caveat was when Katherine was a baby I used to take her to the movies all the time. I would sit in a seat against the wall, pull out my boob and nurse her throughout the entire movie. We both had fun and didn't bother anyone...and I am sure she will be thrilled when her friends read this comment... "MOM!!!"