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Review: The Tilted Kilt
Topics: The Tilted Kilt, Bakersfield, Review, Kenny Mount, The Filthies, Bakotopia, 2008, Citizen Journalism
Posted by thefilthies Fri Sep 12, 2008 13:43:53 PDT
Viewed 800 times
0 responses 6 comments Location: 2900 Calloway Drive, Bakersfield, CA 93312

For Months Bakersfield couldn’t wait for The Tilted Kilt.

The Kern County Scottish Society, The Pub Hooligans, The Dagney"s session players, St. Mary's School of Drinking, all talking about maybe having a Pub in this very bleak Pub less town. The whole Irish Community, The Scots, All the English transplants (Bakersfield has a huge amount of UK and Irish Transplants) waited for this new "Pub" to open. And so it did.

Now who am I to judge this place? Who gives me authority to give the Gladiator thumbs up or down? Is it my bloodline of Irish Ancestry? My official Genie sheet I got at the Kern County Fair that shows a real life Family Crest and proves I am of real Irish Blood? Is it that my family of Mounths and O'Catain roamed the hills of Droichead and Donaghmore and fought back the Anglos with Blood and Courage?

No. But the fact that I've been in almost every Pub in Ireland from Castle Bar to Dublin and Donegal to Skibereen does. I've been there with My Godfather, my Wife, my best friends, my band mates, my friends in Ireland, my friends from Norway, Sweden, South Africa, Sharing pints and fecking good Craic, getting pissed and throwing beer kegs in front of a Christian center in Waterford who left their beer kegs out. I've been in old Pubs, new Pubs, Late Pubs, Pubs you can still smoke in, I've tasted Guinness straight from the nipple not more than a few minutes tapped! THIS is why I fecking get to judge the Tilted Kilt you little Knacker.

The Californian did a little write up on the place and the only complaint was there wasn't a dart board. Now don't get me wrong, darts are stupid in my opinion, but just because the Tilted Kilt does not have a dart board is no reason to hate on them. I can give you 10 really great reasons to hate them besides the fact that they are dart less.

In fact I had a very interesting conversation with an Employee whilst I was drinking at Sandrinis and she informed me that the people of Bakersfield are too stupid to have a Dart Board at the Kilt and their Insurance wouldn't cover them if they had Darts.

Wow! I was trying to see from her point of view but I couldn't stick my head that far up my ass. I'm sure she meant to be clever but I'm immune to the spell of fake boobs so I didn't give the usual obligatory laugh. 

So let’s talk about a few of the finer things at the Tilted Kilt.

"The Roll up Doors"... I've never seen a pub have roll up doors. Maybe it's so they can move rather quickly when they aren't doing any business?

"They're in a Strip Mall".   I've never seen a Pub in a strip mall. Maybe we'll see a Tilted Kilt Express in the Chevron soon.

"$6 and $7 dollar Beers"....  That’s 5 Euro!! 3.50 sterling. 4 Éireannach ....Jesus!

"The Smithwicks and Guinness is Old"..........Yes I know. Everyone’s is.

"It's a big room with tables".....Just like Denny's but with fake knockers.

"There are a cheap set of Pakistani Bagpipes hanging on the wall"........ Maybe they only had the web address for Lark in the Morning! If they're not Irish pipes who gives a crap anyway?

"They will never have live Irish/Celtic music!"...Robbie? They will!! Wait for the newness to wear off and they need another niche.

"They have gay beer mirrors on the wall that they won at the Kern County Fair popping balloons with darts"......How Ironic! Maybe that's why they hate darts?

"They wear costume Kilts"....That’s because a real kilt is Expensive dumb ass.

"The Pint Glasses aren't really a pint"....Maybe if we Americans were a little more serious about our Beer, we would have a measuring system. Now shut up and drink your 433.176473 milliliters of old stale Guinness asshole.

There are a million reasons to hate the place, but the bottom line is there is nothing in Bakersfield like it and until Hooters opens it's going to thrive. Now if they open A Nine Fine Irishmen like in Las Vegas, God help em.

Truthfully, I was excited at first, but I've never been in there. I peeked through the door and made my mind up that if it sucked just looking in, everything else about it has to suck too..

Whilst drinking at Sandrinis with the Blonde Wilted Kilt girl, my wife jokingly said "If you see my husband there, call me" and she said "I wish I could go one night without hearing that."  Ouch! Sweetheart. Don't sell yerself short!

I want to go to a Pub and drink with my wonderful wife and stare at you....you get all my attention cause I'm your Husband. If my balls had just dropped and my wanker kept getting erect for no apparent reason, I would be in there letting girls in tiny Kilts flirt with me for more tips.....but don't give her the satisfaction of thinking your man gives a f**k about her.......She’s a tart...You're a Milf with the sweetest ass ever.....period.

If you want to go to a Real Pub...Head down to:

The Whale and Ale
327 W 7th St, San Pedro, CA...  

After you visit the Wale, go back and visit the Tilted Kilt and see if you still like it..

Also printed in Bakotopia magazine, issue 37, 9-18-08

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Comment From: matt

Dang! Classic punk rock review from our local ambassador! When are ye getting out and playing some music again, homefries? Comment From: seafaire

What an outstanding review from a fine old son a' the sod! There are few things worse than going to a boob bar (a bad one at that!) and having the waitresses roll their eyes at you behind the guys back cuz' so many boyz in Bako think a buck gives them carte blanche. First class writing and we'll change the laddies up or roll em' out a' town. xxoocf, Comment From: matt

I found out there was a stabbing on Saturday night. It's unfortunate that when someone tries to open a place well-known in bigger cities, a group of blockheads ruin it for the public who may be into a place like The Kilt. I hear a lot of stories about violence happening in Rosedale clubs. Why? Comment From: twinkie

Because Rosedale is where everyone that's been kicked out of all the other trendy bars go hang out. Comment From: DollyDagger

Right on! I went on Saturday and had my bubble burst. Mostly on the calibar of "help" I don't wan't to get too specific because I don't want to offend...but I just wondered if they actually interviewed their waitresses face to face... :( I appreciate a Good Hooters now and again, but this was pathetic in comparison. I guess I have great taste in woman, but my buddy regretfully agreed with me, So I know I wasn't the only one thinking it. The food sucked too (Worse than Hooters); and sadly they didn't deliver in other areas to make up for it. Such a disapointment... Comment From: GayinOh8

One vertical brass pole away from being a tittie bar. I went for lunch once just to see what all the hype was about. What shames me the most is NOT that I admit to going, but that there were families there with young children. Absolutely disgusting. As for the violence... What do you expect when you mix guys who have more testosterone than brains, booze and whores? The only logical conclusion is violence. It should come as no suprise that this dump will close within a year. Thank gawd.