This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day." 9/11: NEW FOUND GLORY

i heard this one a while back, dont know it word for word, but here goes: There once was a mailman, who for twenty years, has been doing his job. after those twenty years, he decides to retire,and was always loved throughout the neighborhood, so word spread about him retiring. On his last day, he starts his route for the last time, he heads to his first house on the block, and the little old lady that lives there has a pitcher of lemonade waiting for him, as a thanks for the years of great service. He thanks her, and heads on. The next house is a little boy who barely got to know him as his mailman, but gained respect for him, and gave him a handmade card that says: my favv mailman, ily<3. this goes on at ever house, til he gets to the end of the route, and when he gets there, he meets the hottest blonde u can imagine. She motions him to come inside, and they go upstairs and have the wildest most erotic experience imaginable! as the mailman is leaving, her remembers to leave her mail, and encounters her in the kitchen. She then approaches him and hands him an envelope. He asks whats it for, and she responds:"its your gift, for your hard work and loyal service". He then responds:I thought what we experienced was my gift?" she says: well this is from both my husband and i, my husband said: Fuck him, give him a card! ^_^

LOL!! So far, so good! Keep the jokes coming. Two more days til the contest ends!

whether black, white,asian, or latino,You know youve spent too much time in bakersfield and are officially a bako redneck when:

-u consider going to the swap meet as a family outing.-the mercado latino is no longer a hispanic mall, but the mall.-when you drive to far out into panama rd, and see a guy selling roses and chicharonnes on the side of the road.-

when you see your whole neighborhoodand recognize everyone at the walmart on white lane on any given evening.

- Drive on stockdale hwy, and a 16 girl in a monster truck drives you off the road.

-when you consider eating out at olive garden too fancy. come on, its all about Johns burgers.-

when you consider a good deal to be 5 for 10 dollar tshirts wit a free Intocable cd.

-when you realize the bank is closed, but who cares? i can cash my check at the liquor store down the street.

there are more, but cant think of them all at this moment.=]

New Found Glory tickets 9.11 or Millionaires 9.12

 

Well to start it off, i am in no way a homophobe, but i guess the people in my former government class are!Here are a few..How do u know if your in a gay church?-When only half the congregation kneels.

Whats the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?-shit doesnt come out the fridge when you pull the meat out!

What do tall buildings and getting head from Cher have in common?-you dont look down when your doing it.Anyways,if you like, i got plenty more! so ask away!

9/12: MILLIONAIRES A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"

9/11: NEW FOUND GLORY A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Your mom is so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal her. I really don't mean to offend anyone!!! I just really want those tickets!!!! Juliana

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." Millionaires/Intruder Alert.

I'd love to win tix to the Sept. 11th show at The Dome. My niece and I rarely get to do things together. She told me months ago that she really wants to see this show. Music is something that both of us have in common and could bring us closer together. Thanks ;-)P)

There’s a guy and girl having sex. The guy busts a nut and throws the condom out the window. The girl freaks out and says, "What the hell are you doing, I’m not done yet and that was the last condom". "Go get it now", she says. So he runs outside to get it but he sees a little boy has it in his hand. The guy says, "Give me that" and the boy says, "no its mine I found it". The guy gives the kid $5.00 and the kid gives him the condom. Then the kid runs home to show his mom the money. His mom asks, "Where did you get that?" The boy says, "I found a Twinkie, and some guy gave me $5.00 for it and he’s sh*t out of luck cause I already ate the cream out of the middle." Id like to see the MILLIONAIRES, INTRUDER ALERT & MORE AT THE DOME!