The Gerbil was hunched over moaning in her cubicle, The Man was nearby talking to Slow Poke and asked her what was the matter ...

Gerbil:  My stomach hurts, I think I have an ulcer.  How do you know if you have an ulcer?

CD:  You cough up blood.

The Man:  *Laughs* Why do you think you have an ulcer, do you complain a lot?

Gerbil:  I complain and stress all the time, what other symptoms will tell me if I have an ulcer?

CD:  Just WebMD

The Man laughs again. 

Gerbil:  Oh, oh, it hurts!  I want to go home and curl up in bed in my 500 tc sheets.

CD:  It might be IBS

Gerbil:  No, it can't be.  All I ate was yogurt and juice.

CD:  Yogurt can trigger IBS.

Gerbil:  But I'm not, what is it ... I can drink milk.

CD and The Man:  That doesn't matter.

CD:  Maybe it's gas.  Okay, I'm at WebMD, what are your symptoms?

Gerbil:  Like cramping in my tummy, but behind my belly button, they aren't period cramps.  It's not exactly a cramping it's like a sharp pain.

So I select the following symptoms for the lower abdomen area: Muscle cramps or spasms (painful), pain or discomfort, and pulsating sensation.

Then I begin to read off the conditions associated with the symptoms:

CD:  Muscle strain, aneurysm in the belly, constipation, gas pains, gastroenteritis, irritable bowel syndrome, panic attack, UTI, endometriosis, intestinal ischemia, kidney stones, appendicitis, worms, bladder stones, cervicitis, colon cancer.

Gerbil:  Uh! 

CD:  See, IBS or gas, like I told you. 

Gerbil:  It can't be, it's an ulcer, or a miscarriage.  All I ate was yogurt and juice.

CD:  What kind of juice?

Gerbil:  Orange

CD:  It's gas, orange juice and dairy ... not the best combination.  Orange juice is acidic, it'll give you gas.

Gerbil:  Good, then that means my baby is okay.

CD:  You mean your imaginary baby?

Obviously.  Then she bent over again and moaned.

CD:  Here I've got some gas pills in my purse.

Gerbil:  What will they do to me?!

CD:  Get rid of you gas.  It's just extra strength gas relief.  I take them when I'm gassy.

Gerbil:  Okay, I just want one.  Is it going to make me fart?

Chatty:  Better take it at lunch! 

Gerbil:  I'm going to take it right now and start pointing my finger!

Good times in the land of cubicle dwellers.