A blog about Personal Journals.
|
Are you the only one up here? Is there a party going on? A pink slip? Thank you! It’s just my size! Stuck on stupid ... Desperation is ... Pubic Service Announcement Budget Cuts If you can't beat them, join them! Stuck on Alcatraz Sarcasma - from the makers of Damitol ... September 06 October 06 November 06 December 06 January 07 February 07 March 07 April 07 May 07 June 07 July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 September 08 October 08 November 08 December 08 January 09 February 09 March 09 April 09 May 09 June 09 July 09 
RSS 2.0    |
|
|
A coworker just asked me that - I looked around, smiled and replied, "Me and my imaginary friends" She laughed ... I wasn't joking. Nearly 2 years ago I posted that "Cubicle Does Not Begin With P" The mystery smell has returned - and again I have visions of janitors having crazy after parties in between these claustrophobic walls. Realistically I am beginning to think that maybe it has something to do with the air conditioning unit in the building being turned on and I'm just ultra sensitive to the smell. Just in case, I have already completely sanitized my entire work space, including my chair.
Just moments ago the Man asked if I had a minute. Well, gosh, yes I do! He knew that I already knew … I’m a mind reader, a fortune teller … well, more like very intuitive and cover all bases before the disaster strikes.
It began a month or so ago … a budget meeting was held and we were informed that unfortunately they had predicted incorrectly and there were going to be layoffs. The Man looked directly at me as he said this. When the meeting was over I stated out loud, “Well, looks like I’ll be unemployed come the end of June” then I promptly found a smoker on the floor, borrowed their lighter, went outside to roll a cigarette, then went for a long walk off a short cliff. I don’t smoke very often, hence the fact I carry papers and tobacco, but am usually missing a lighter.
Other co-workers said I must have misread him, must have misunderstood, I wasn’t going to be laid off. Slowpoke called me in for a meeting and said he’d fight for me of course, but I should make an appointment with HR to see where I stood seniority wise and what my options would be.
Two days ago I finally was able to meet with the head of HR. She’s always been good to me; found me consistent consecutive temp jobs when I was an office whore 8 years ago. I knew she’d lay it straight across the table and not make me wait a second longer. She disclosed that yes, my position was one of the ones being terminated. She let me know my rights, assured me she was looking for an opening to move me into, and if that didn’t work I’d be priority on her temp list again.
Demoted back to office whore, but those days were a bit footloose and fancy free. I actually enjoyed moving around from department to department, being used as needed until there was no more use for me, and moving on to someone else. It was refreshing in a way.
She asked me to please not tell anyone that I knew the exact date pink slips would be handed out. That it causes anxiety in the work place – you think?! I thanked her for telling me – I knew it would soften the blow at least just a little. It was better her to give me the bad news and hope for more employment than to be handed the letter by The Man while he had a sad “I’m sorry, but what can I do” look on his face.
Yesterday I cleaned everything personal out of my desk and began cleaning files and shredding everything that wasn’t needed. It was cleansing in a way – or maybe the sound of the paper being shredded into itty bitty pieces just soothed my soul a little.
At the end of the day Slowpoke finally came into the office – I simply stated, “I know” He didn’t know what I was talking about, I quietly filled him in. He exclaimed, “What am I going to do?!” I simply shrugged and replied, “I don’t know” He stated that he was going to talk to The Man and went directly to his office. I thought, “Save your breath, but thanks for caring”
Or maybe it was just a big show and he already knew.
It was pretty much the same reaction from Chatty – she thought she was going down herself. She said, “But I’ve known you for six years!” – and she actually had teary red eyes, like she really would miss me. Or maybe it was just fear of knowing just how much extra work she was going to have to absorb. She told me she was going to keep my cell phone number and call me with lots of questions. I told her if she did she’d owe me a Starbucks coffee each time. If I’m not being paid, I really don’t feel like working – thank you very much.
I walked around Walmart last night stating “Suck it!” to anyone listening. I think I’ll go back to my regular dosage of happy meds for a while – I usually just take half a dose.
The look on The Man’s face was the exactly what I’d seen in my mind the last couple of days. He knew I already knew, but stated this was the hardest part of his job. He handed me the letter and there was a paper for both of us to sign. He kept glancing at his watch, and said, “I don’t know why I keep checking my watch, I know the date” and I replied, “Because you are nervous” and he said, “Yes” …
As I thanked him for my brand new pink slip I wanted to say, “Try figuring out how you are going to pay the mortgage, the rest of your bills, and feed and clothe you child. Now that is liable to make you nervous” … I should have been the one glancing at my watch – but I already knew what time it was.
It’s time for a change.
And a change could do me good.
What part of "TURN OFF THE BURNER WHE N YOU TAKE THE LAST CUP& nbsp;OF COFFEE" don't you understand? Fortunately I have an uncanny sense of smell, smelt the burning coffee sludge remains, and saved another pot from cracking. Drinking a Pepsi 3 months 11 days past it's best by date that you found in the bottom of your drawer and put in the fridge ovennight to at least cool it down. Very little sizzle upon opening.
Attention all personnel … this is a Pubic Service Announcement. For the safety of all employees please refrain from trimming your pubic hair over the employee toilets. There have been reports of injuries to other employees due to them balancing and hovering over the toilet seat to avoid having to have any contact of said pubic hair. That is all.
Today I received an email regarding recent budget cuts, I also learned that they were possibly going to be remodeling our cubicles. Well, at least I'd have a door.
EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Man
I came home from work today, sat on my couch, and accepted my current fate. So maybe the mortgage company is calling for last months payment, and maybe I'm going to have to work an evening part-time job working minimum wage (which I haven't done since 2000) - but hey, new people to meet and maybe even bitch about my day job to ... As I began absentmindedly eating pistachios I had the most random thought ... I eat nachos like a prissy white girl. Yesterday during my break I picked up an order of steak nachos. I thought about how I'd sat at my desk eating them with a fork, occasionally making a slight crunchy noise when I squished the becoming soggy chips into bite size pieces to fit onto my fork, then loaded them into my mouth chewing quietly. I remember as I ate each bite I imagined how much noise my co-workers would be making if they were the nacho eaters ... how they would crunch and chomp and suck and smack every single morsel. Suddenly I realized I was chewing my pistachios with my mouth open, slowly, but deliberately. It was taking a lot of effort on my part to keep my mouth open and mimicking the noises I could hear them making on a regular basis. My friend looked over at me with an odd expression that asked, "What the hell are you doing" ... I said, "If I can't beat them, join them" I swallowed loudly, sucked the salt off my fingers with enthusiasm, then grabbed my bottle of water and glugged it down loudly as if I was drowning, then I released a big, "Aaauughhhhhhh!". I wonder if I can pull it off, I wonder how they'll react? You know, they probably won't even notice and I'll just end up with sore jaw muscles ... but it might be fun to try a few times, and if that doesn't work, then I'll just start tapping my fingers like racing horses and see if that raises an eyebrow or two. I’ve been a little quiet lately … I’ve been planning my escape. Unfortunately I didn’t get further than my foot halfway through a door. It did feel a bit liberating, and the thought of actually leaving was extremely frightening. Last month I applied for another position that would have brought home nearly $1000 more a month, whisked me away to another atmosphere, and would have kept these idle hands busy. (You know how idle hands are the devil’s tools) I aced the written and oral tests, was the #1 candidate – but that still left me with two other people to interview against at the final showdown. I was the top pick of the woman who I’d be replacing, but alas, I didn’t make the director’s cut.
I’m just going to keep my chin up and continue serving my sentence in this little slice of hell. With that I need to find some more mischief to get my devil’s tools into.
I think maybe I should go with "Mike K." on this one ... but first I should weigh the side affects. Oh, those are a little nasty ... I think I'll just stick with having my co-workers run from the room when I walk in.
|
Local time is currently Sat Jul 4, 2009 10:12:01 pm PDT
Bakotopia is 100% local to Bakersfield, CA, USA
