A blog about Personal Journals.
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Budget Cuts If you can't beat them, join them! Stuck on Alcatraz Sarcasma - from the makers of Damitol ... Office Etiquette in the trash Prison vs. Work Hello, it's Thursday! In the mood for ... A little static on your walkie talkie? Hominy, get it on the plate girl September 06 October 06 November 06 December 06 January 07 February 07 March 07 April 07 May 07 June 07 July 07 August 07 September 07 October 07 November 07 December 07 January 08 February 08 March 08 April 08 May 08 June 08 July 08 August 08 
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Today I received an email regarding recent budget cuts, I also learned that they were possibly going to be remodeling our cubicles. Well, at least I'd have a door.
EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Man
I came home from work today, sat on my couch, and accepted my current fate. So maybe the mortgage company is calling for last months payment, and maybe I'm going to have to work an evening part-time job working minimum wage (which I haven't done since 2000) - but hey, new people to meet and maybe even bitch about my day job to ... As I began absentmindedly eating pistachios I had the most random thought ... I eat nachos like a prissy white girl. Yesterday during my break I picked up an order of steak nachos. I thought about how I'd sat at my desk eating them with a fork, occasionally making a slight crunchy noise when I squished the becoming soggy chips into bite size pieces to fit onto my fork, then loaded them into my mouth chewing quietly. I remember as I ate each bite I imagined how much noise my co-workers would be making if they were the nacho eaters ... how they would crunch and chomp and suck and smack every single morsel. Suddenly I realized I was chewing my pistachios with my mouth open, slowly, but deliberately. It was taking a lot of effort on my part to keep my mouth open and mimicking the noises I could hear them making on a regular basis. My friend looked over at me with an odd expression that asked, "What the hell are you doing" ... I said, "If I can't beat them, join them" I swallowed loudly, sucked the salt off my fingers with enthusiasm, then grabbed my bottle of water and glugged it down loudly as if I was drowning, then I released a big, "Aaauughhhhhhh!". I wonder if I can pull it off, I wonder how they'll react? You know, they probably won't even notice and I'll just end up with sore jaw muscles ... but it might be fun to try a few times, and if that doesn't work, then I'll just start tapping my fingers like racing horses and see if that raises an eyebrow or two. I’ve been a little quiet lately … I’ve been planning my escape. Unfortunately I didn’t get further than my foot halfway through a door. It did feel a bit liberating, and the thought of actually leaving was extremely frightening. Last month I applied for another position that would have brought home nearly $1000 more a month, whisked me away to another atmosphere, and would have kept these idle hands busy. (You know how idle hands are the devil’s tools) I aced the written and oral tests, was the #1 candidate – but that still left me with two other people to interview against at the final showdown. I was the top pick of the woman who I’d be replacing, but alas, I didn’t make the director’s cut.
I’m just going to keep my chin up and continue serving my sentence in this little slice of hell. With that I need to find some more mischief to get my devil’s tools into.
I think maybe I should go with "Mike K." on this one ... but first I should weigh the side affects. Oh, those are a little nasty ... I think I'll just stick with having my co-workers run from the room when I walk in.
Many moons ago I posted Cubicle Dweller's list of Office Etiquette and even considered sending it to all of my co-workers. Recently there had been an increase of dirty dishes left in the kitchen sink, to the extreme that someone made a pretty little sign stating that dishes not washed and put away would be thrown out daily at 5 pm. Another Dweller mentioned a few times in the break room that she had once posted a funny little list of etiquette in the work room nearest her, but no one had taken it seriously, thinking her light hearted way of telling people they were rude was a joke. In the meantime I had politely and with humor asked a couple co-workers to knock off their obnoxious behavior with snippy responses that I was "too young to menopause" "moody" "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" etc. I've just about had it, I'm tired of being labeled a bitch simply because I think clicking your pen over and over, chomping gum like a cow, guzzling water so you sound as if your drowning every hour, and eating like a pig is disgusting and appalling in a shared work environment. After the pretty little sign about dirty dishes was posted I decided to anonymously post my "Office Etiquette" where everyone could see it. The response was humorous to say the least. The office slave who had posted the pretty sign first spoke up, "Ooh, did you see that sign? I did not put it up. I only put up the one about the dishes, but I did not put that one up" The sign was pointed out to more and more people, and I sit just close enough to hear their comments ... "Hmph, that's funny" "Hahah!" and from the Man himself, "I'm not sure if this person is being funny or is totally serious" Two days later the sign had been removed. I posted another one. It disappeared after a day or two, so again this morning I posted a third sign. Each time I stealthily pin another paper on the bulletin board I walk away with a huge grin on my face - and will continue to do so until I escape this god forsaken place. I found this on a friend's blog: Prison vs. Work In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a gaurd locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. But yeah, I guess I'd take work over prison any day ;) I think most Cubies find that Thursday is a great day - tomorrow is Friday and that means we are almost through the week. As I sit here listening to Muppet Techno I'm moderately amused that my co-workers moving about almost seem to be dancing to the rhythm pouring out of my ipod. What a strange dream this could be - or CD's had just a bit too much coffee this morning. Whatever it is, I think I'll hit repeat in 35 seconds to liven things up for another 5 minutes. Did I mention the Gerbil is the devil? Or at least that is what she was proclaiming to anyone who would listen. Apparently her friend gave up pastries for Lent, so she took a photo of a big pile of pastries and sent it to her friend. Then she danced around singing, "I am the devil! I am the devil!" Someone actually replied, "And what took you so long to figure that out?" Nn du Nn du Nn du ... ... a little eavesdropping. As I stumbled my way toward the restroom this morning I heard a stern yet pleading voice down an adjacent hallway. It was the Gastric Cougar - in all her 60's swirl dress knee high pleather boot glory having a very heated conversation on her cell phone. We locked eyes for a moment as I glanced down the hallway to verify who I was listening into. Quickly I turned my head, turned the opposite direction and banged my way into the bathroom. I felt a little embarrassed for her. As I left the bathroom she was now pacing the hallway saying, "These are things we have to work though. We can work through them!" Sounds like someone is being dumped by her 18 year old boy toy and sadly on Valentine's Day. I've never been one to use the toilet while I'm on the phone unless I absolutely have to, or it's my best friend. Today, I really didn't have a choice. The janitor came into the bathroom just as I began spelling relief and at the same moment a voice came on over her walkie talkie, " ... you copy?" *Sheeeeeeeeee "Yeah, I copy" eeeeeeeeeee* Everyone within a 10 ft radius of the other janitor had the audible pleasure of hearing me pee as they continued their short two way conversation. It wouldn't be Christmas if someone didn't bring a pot of soup with hominy, bones, and random meat to the office. Today's menu is pozole. I do not understand the concept of NOT taking the bones out of the stew. I understand cooking with them in it for flavor, but leaving them in to serve it ... well it just seems like such a waste, you have to pick around them and it makes it just that much less enjoyable to eat. Being the white on rice girl that I am, I think one day I will make my own pot of pozole - chicken pozole, boneless skinless chicken breast pozole. Now that sounds like my kind of meal. |
Local time is currently Thu Aug 21, 2008 1:08:55 pm PDT
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